"they're fine... perfect actually" says the nurse on shift to my colleague who requested my obs to be taken as I was feeling unwell, they're fine he says, yet I feel like the complete opposite. My heart is racing, my chest is tight, my palms are sweaty and I'm struggling to see straight or make a coherent sentence. This is what one of my BPD/anxiety episodes at work looks like, me sobbing on an office chair trying to compose myself and being sent home told to rest and get myself right, not to worry it'll all be okay. But will it? Will I return to my next shift faced with the same weighted dread on my shoulders or will I make it through laughing and joking?

Working full time with a mental illness is tiring, it's long days filled with toilet trips sobbing to yourself, it's sick days pretending to have the flu out of shame, being called into the office to be asked how you're doing, and lying saying you're fine. It's telling coworkers "yeah, I'm just tired!" as they ask why you're so quiet today, and saying you've been feeling unwell as they ask where you've been recently.

I've been working ever since I was 16 and flitted from job to job, suffering from countless panic attacks, BPD episodes and anxiety attacks in offices, outside the building and on the bus in. I've had empathetic managers and people who couldn't care less unless I was staying to finish my shift. But I've tried, god knows I've tried. I've left jobs for the sake of my health and I've gone elsewhere and yet again struggled.

Having a mental illness and trying to work full time is always going to be a struggle, but when you're unwell, having time off shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. Do we go into work when we break our bones? Do we take a day off for the flu or some other physical illness? Then why should our mental health be any different? We shouldn't be hiding from our diagnoses and not naming this as our sickness reasons, yet we do.

Advice I see and hear a lot but don't see in practice is "no job is worth your mental health" which is so unbelievably true, yet we don't follow it, because it's just not practical sometimes is it? We all have bills to pay and money we need and sometimes you physically can't accommodate a sick pay day or to be unemployed for the sake of our health. But we should, and jobs should be more accommodating to mental health.

Finding a job you love is so important, but it doesn't fix your mental illness, and I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's not the job. Don't get me wrong sometimes it is but a lot of the time, the problem is the illness, and that's not something you can help but something you learn to cope with and something you become stronger from. I love my job and I love going to work but that doesn't stop the tears from falling in the toilets and the panic attacks in the staff room. Your brain may tell you that you don't belong in your job or that you're a failure but you aren't one bit, you're struggling and it's perfectly okay to ask for help.

Always ask for help.

Meg x