I've been trying to figure out how to open this blog post for about 25 minutes, when I want to write something positive and helpful but all I can really muster up the strength to say is, I'm struggling.
I'm struggling to just get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to shower, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to speak to anyone and I want to sleep all day. But I do all these things, I get up, I go to work in a psychiatric hospital and I do my best to help young people cope with their lives when I can't even cope with my own. I talk to people and laugh and joke with colleagues and tell them funny jokes about my life and pretend everything is fine, I smile and laugh and walk down the corridors singing and fist bumping my co workers with a "I'm good thanks you?!" when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball on the floor and sob.
Living with a mental illness is exhausting. Faking and living a second life is tiring, having to pretend to be fine is draining. But we do it, because it hurts too much to just say "actually you know what, I'm not doing so great right now". Admitting I'm struggling is a personal milestone I can't quite tackle and never have been able to, I've never wanted to appear weak, or leave myself open to judgement - "is she safe to work here like that?" "maybe she's lying to get attention" "she's so dramatic" "all she does is complain that girl".
For me, BPD means I swing from one erratic mood swing to the next within minutes, sometimes seconds. Today I've been singing my heart out in the car, barely able to sit still in my seat in the coffee shop talking and ranting at a million words per second, happy and laughing and now a mere few hours later I'm so sunken into a depression I couldn't even get out of bed to go get a drink, just sitting up to write this post is physically painful on my body and my mind feels numb. I'm panic stricken about what my mood will be like next, and how easy it will be to get up tomorrow and take myself off to work. It also means that earlier, when I received a phone call to say I wouldn't be seeing my psychiatrist, someone I've seen every 3 months for nearly 4 years, again, I completely broke down, sobbing on the phone to the duty manager and angrily telling her to fuck off when she couldn't help me and was only passing on the message as to why I hadn't received an appointment letter.
I struggle to contain and deal with emotions, particularly stress or change, this can make me angry and erratic, and lead to a complete mental breakdown. For example, last night a wave of sadness took over me, and I began sobbing on my friend out of nowhere. I was overcome with emotions of not being able to cope with this anymore, and just wanting an out. When they and my mum touched me to try and comfort me I began screaming in pain, I couldn't bare to be touched or spoken to. 20 minutes later when I finally calmed down I fell straight to sleep, exhausted at the deep depression my mood had swung me into.
Living with borderline personality disorder makes these experiences a daily occurrence, and can make me difficult to be around. I can find different tones of voices hard to swallow, instantly feeling a hostility between me and someone else, and find it difficult to voice my frustrations at situations I don't feel comfortable in, instead hyperventilating and getting myself close to a panic attack in my seat.
But it also means I can be the life and soul of the party, the one that gets everyone up to dance and the one that always wants to please people. The one that's always there to listen, to help you with whatever you're going through and lend an ear day or night. It means I can be empathetic and sympathetic and help you get through problem, because I know what it feels like to struggle.
Living and dealing with a mental illness is exhausting, painful and tiresome, but it is doable. Going to work everyday, seeing and talking to friends, going out for drinks and meals and spending time with loved ones is possible, no matter what your mind tells you. You are always loved and never alone.
Meg x