Struggling To Cope? Me Too

I’ve been trying to keep it positive and light here on myMindandmeg for a while during such turbulent times, but the inevitable has come. I’m struggling. I’ve had a bit of a breakdown about it all today and realised how overwhelmed and anxious and out of it I really am. Everywhere I look and turn to coronavirus is there looking back at me. I wanted to write how I’ve been feeling especially today down, because I think it’s good and therapeutic but also to let everyone else know especially those reading this that it’s okay to feel this way. These are really unprecedented times that no one could have expected and it’s perfectly okay to be overwhelmed, anxious and worried for the present and future, because I know I am.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve found it hard to sleep at night. I think about a lot of things when I’m trying to sleep, usually it’s about stupid things I’ve said in the day that I regret, or happy moments I want to remember and cherish. But now it’s filled with daunting thoughts of the future and the days to come. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently isolated down south with my boyfriend at his flat - which I am incredibly lucky to be able to do as I realise not a lot of people are able to be with their loved ones right now - but I’m doing this as my mum has been in an out of work In a school and I was already isolated for 7 days symptom free down here when the lockdown was imposed, so it was safer for me to be here. But all I think about is who will be the first to get it between me and Patrick, and what are we going to do when it happens? I’ve already said to Patrick I hope it’s me that gets it, because I don’t think I could cope with him holed away in the bedroom unable for me to see him or be with him whilst I try and carry on as normal and look after the place. But he also believes I wouldn’t handle corona as well as him and be extremely emotional and all over the place which is a reasonable thing to say I guess.

The main reason I’m down here though apart from being cautious with my mum, is that I’m due to start a new job as a Residential Childcare Worker any day now, I’m just waiting for a phone call to tell me I’m ready to start and in I go. And obviously the minute I leave Patrick I can’t come back and mix households and contamination with him, so I’d have to stay away and isolate back home, and keep my distance from my mum too. I’m terrified. As excited as I am to start my new job, that was before all of this happened. Before the risk of me being infected with coronavirus happened, before the whole shitstorm began.

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, I’m scared. But I think we all are right now, right? Right now is the time for us all to pull together and be there for one another, to bolster each other in tough times. I couldn’t be without my amazing friends and family in these times, texting and calling one another to check in, I don’t know where I’d be without them, a thought I hope never comes true.

I miss them a lot. I miss going for dates with Patrick, I miss being able to go home and hug my mum and dad, I miss being able to visit my grandparents and my niece and have a big squeeze. I miss the old life I took for granted so much and wished away. And I know so many other people do. And what I really Hope, is none of us ever take it for granted again. Never wish the days away, never say “I wish I just had three months off work” no matter how stressful our days are, never argued with a loved one and slept on an argument without apologising, not realising tomorrow might not come. It all sounds very dramatic when you write it down but it’s true, life right now is pretty dramatic, and will stay so for a good long time yet. This is just the beginning I’m afraid but I know we can all get through this together.

If you’re also feeling overwhelmed and struggling, please reach out to someone. Talk about how your feelings, you don’t have to talk about the dreaded C bomb, just chat about life, talk about old times or anything to take your mind off of it, go for your daily walk and get some fresh air, take hold of yourself and tell yourself this is all going to be okay, and go again. As hard as times are right now we really could be worse off, and I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s a competition of whose for life the hardest, but in a realistic way, we’re in our homes with a lot of free time to do anything there, take advantage of it, pick up a new hobby or craft and get busy.

Life is for the living and that’s what we’re going to keep doing.

Please stay safe and look after yourselves.

Meg x