The Therapy Diaries

So, I started therapy a month ago and thought as usual I'd share this new journey with you guys, it's a bit of a long rambly post but it's honest and from the heart, so hope you stick through it with me.

I've been waiting a long time to finally get some and after meeting with a psychologist who assessed me and my needs, decided to give me some one to one sessions to do some DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is essentially a talking therapy based around cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT, but tweaked to better fit the needs of those with emotional dysregulation - such as bpd sufferers.

I've been to four sessions now and my feelings are, underwhelming.

It would be unreasonable of me to assume there would be some a large change in my mental health after four sessions, yet I can't help but feel somewhat deflated. Am I missing out on the big trick of therapy? Shouldn't things be getting better yet? I don't quite know what I was expecting to come of it or what I was expecting to feel, but it just wasn't this. 

I've never really done any therapy throughout my mental health struggles, I dabbled in some talking therapies for my anorexia and OCD tendencies as a child - and that seemed to have worked well as I no longer suffer with either of these. 

Yet, I can't remember feeling a sense of "Wow, this is totally for me", and never really have felt that about the minimal psychological help I've been offered over the years. 

Many people initially seek help for their mental health and may assume that counselling is where they'll start. That's not always the case. Waiting lists can be up to a year long in areas like mine for something as basic as a talking therapy or a group therapy. 

Frequently, medication is likely to be offered in the first instance, to see if that eases the symptoms.  

When it comes to disorders like bpd, bipolar etc, full psychological therapies are the only thing that will make some significant difference in your struggles, but finding it readily accessible is still so difficult nationwide. 

The main thing I've gained from my therapy is discussing and practicing the STOPP method for my anxieties and paranoia, but I'm yet to properly be able to implement it into my episodes. For now, I'm completing forms after an episode has passed, allowing me to reflect on what happened, so I can try and use these skills during the next episode.

I'll go into the STOPP method fully in another blog post, but a brief summary is using reason and logic to debunk paranoid and anxious thoughts, and using facts and evidence to notice what's happening and why. 

At my last session, I was told that the whole point of me attending these sessions was to boost my confidence enough to attend the group therapy that I have gotten half way through on two occasions then not turned up to the final session because, in all honesty, I hated it and thought it was ridiculous. This to me was just a whole amount of shit, and I was sat with the feelings of sadness and hopelessness I'm usually filled with when I attend Ferham Clinic for my mental health appointments. I just felt as though this whole trying out therapy was stupid and pointless, like i was wholly wasting my time. 

You see, as someone with BPD, I am not treatment resistive. but more treatment sceptic. I fail to understand how anyone can make me feel any better about having to live with an illness that makes me want to put my head into a brick wall hourly. I know when I'm being reasonable that many people find dbt and cbt extremely helpful for their BPD and find that over the years their symptoms reduce enough to no longer warrant a diagnosis, but to me it just feels like, maybe, it just won't work for me like it does for them. 

This is all well and good thinking "okay, well this isn't for me" but when it's about your mental health and it was already your last chance saloon, this can make you feel incredibly hopeless for your future well-being. It's okay to try things and realise they aren't for you, but then you have the "okay, what next" aspect, and for me, there is nothing next to come. I've been on medication for 7 years now and my struggles have only intensified with age, symptoms an ever growing list and miseries high. So what do I do now? 

I'm not sure even I have the answers this time. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're just starting out with therapy or you're quite a bit in and finding it unhelpful, that's okay. It takes a lot of time and I know that, and know realistically I have all the time in the world to focus on myself and keep making myself better, but in my mind I feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm definitely going to keep going with the therapy, and see how I get on, but I wanted to talk about my counselling journey after waiting so long for it and there's no point not being honest about how it's going and painting a false rosy picture of what's going on. 

So yeah, any thoughts or advise please feel free to pop a comment below or get in touch with me, I'd love to hear your therapy stories and what you found was good for you and what not so much. 

Meg x