Intrusive Thoughts & Me

I've talked about my various experiences with my mental health throughout my life here on my blog, but one thing I've never really spoken about is my experiences with intrusive thoughts. There's no real reason or secret behind this, I guess I've just never taken the time to sit down and talk about how they affect me, even though they are a big part of my mental health and illness.

So what are intrusive thoughts? For those of you that aren't familiar this is a quick google definition;

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, impulses or mental images that often cause significant anxiety, stress and impairment within an individual's ability to function. These thoughts may surround the fear of committing an act one consider to be harmful, violent, immoral, sexually inappropriate, or sacrilegious

Intrusive thoughts are basically images or things that run across your mind throughout the day which aren't necessarily nice or pleasant to endure and there's not a lot you can do about them. A google may tell you that if you endure intrusive thoughts you have OCD, which isn't true. Anyone can experience intrusive thoughts, those that have them more on the extreme and violent or abnormal nature may indicate a mental health issue such as OCD, but it can also be down to anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses so don't jump to any conclusions without speaking to a professional if you are experiencing this. 

The thing is, everyone can have intrusive thoughts. Have you ever gotten a new phone, been sat in the passenger side of a car and thought about just launching out the window and watching it smash? Or stood near the edge of something and saw yourself jumping right over? These are examples of intrusive thoughts. They are also very common with new mothers/parents who envision their baby being harmed or dropped. We think of these things because we are so anxious about them happening, and it's the worst possible scenario our brain can come up with, so it flashes up to us. 

Intrusive thoughts can be sexual, they can be violent, they can be of inappropriate images, and they can be terrifying, they can keep us awake at night, have us screaming out from how real they feel, and be an awful thing to live with. 

For me, I've experienced intrusive thoughts as long as I can remember, I would sit in class next to someone, and have constant images of me stabbing them in the leg with my pencil running through my mind, I was terrified, I thought I was going mad and that I was some demonic psychopath in the making at just 12 years old. When in reality, this was a big part of my anxiety, I was terrified of hurting someone due to my mental health issues, I was so scared that one day I would lash out that it was all I could picture in my head. 

My intrusive thoughts tend to get more and more frequent and loud the worse my mental state gets. So on an average day I might not have any, but on a bad day when I'm struggling I could see all manner of things in my head, things that make me cry, scream and hide. When I'm feeling particularly suicidal, I picture me harming myself, violent, vivid visions of something happening to me or me doing something. And this image doesn't just fade away, it stays, the more I try to block it out the worse it comes back, rearing it's ugly head bigger and bolder than before. In all my suicide attempts, I've had awful intrusive thoughts that have pushed me to the edge, every time I attempted to harm myself, I watched myself do the acts in my head over and over again, my inner voice telling me I had to do it over and over again until I snapped. 

In particularly bad episodes, I will have intrusive thoughts about being harmed by strangers in my home, the other week, Patrick and me were messing around and he was pulling funny faces at me, they reminded me of clowns and Patrick made a passing joke before leaving me to go to sleep. The minute he left, I began screaming and crying and ran to him in the living room, he couldn't believe it, I was fine two minutes ago. But the intrusive thoughts had gotten to me, as I laid in the dark room all I could imagine and see running through my mind were clowns coming to hurt me, they were jumping up from behind the bed, creeping up behind me opening the door, I sat on that sofa and screamed and sobbed, my head constantly bobbing around to the areas my mind were telling me someone was, I was pacing the flat, checking behind the doors, in cupboards, behind the bed, convinced I would find the thing my mind was telling me was there. But of course nothing was there, my mind was just at it's old tricks. 

One reason I don't talk about my intrusive thoughts a lot is I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed and terrified of some of the thoughts I've had in the past. When my anxiety was particularly high and I had trouble leaving the house, when I did, I would find myself having terrifying sexual intrusive thoughts about strangers. Mainly them just being naked, or touching me or making me touch them. I would sit and squirm and cry on the bus on my way somewhere, unable to get my brain to just stop. I was convinced there was something wrong with me for a long time, I thought I must be a pervert or have a sexuality problem or addiction, I couldn't fathom why I was having these thoughts until I finally opened up to a therapist about them, I didn't even tell her the sexual content ones, I couldn't bare to tell anyone I was so ashamed, but after a while I figured out they were intrusive thoughts and did a lot of research and realised I wasn't alone.

So many people experience these thoughts just like me, and so many believe they aren't normal, that they're going insane. You're not alone. I promise these thoughts are normal, they're terrifying and they feel oh so very real but I promise you they aren't. If you're really struggling with your thoughts you should seek help, this isn't your life forever. The best thing you can do that my therapist once told me and I never forgot, is to let them happen. Realise that this isn't a reality, it's an illusion your brain has imagined up for us, and it will pass. The harder you try not to think about it, the worse it becomes. If I told you not to think of a white bear, you can think of anything, but not a white bear, eventually, all you will think about is the white bear. Intrusive thoughts are the same, if you battle and battle against the thoughts of you hurting your partner or hurting yourself, the worse these thoughts will become. 

Always remember; this isn't real, this will pass, and I am safe. You have endured these thoughts before and you will endure them again but they will not and cannot hurt you. It will be okay.

Meg x