The last week or two has been horrifically sad for many, the endless stories of women’s experiences with sexual abuse, violence and assault to prove there is no set scenario, person or place for an assault to take place has truly hit hard and home for many of us. And the response of the not all men brigade truly angering and disgusting as ever.
It’s truly so, so sad that we as women and survivors of assault and abuse have to share our very personal and very painful stories of our pasts just to make other people realise how real and raw it is. And yet men (and even women) still have the absolute gall to tell us how to think or feel or that we are being overly dramatic for the fear we feel from strangers when we walk at night, or even in broad daylight.
97% of women have been sexually assaulted. A horrifically high number that doesn’t even surprise me in the slightest. As a woman, nearly every other woman I know has been sexually assaulted or in the very least, harassed by a man. From being catcalled in the streets, spoken to inappropriately at the bar by a drunken arsehole, groped in a queue, all the way down to rape. Perpetrated both by a stranger or someone they knew. Myself? I’ve been sexually assaulted three times since I was 15. I’m now almost 23, and until this last week reading every horrific story and experience, I didn’t even know I’d been assaulted. And this isn’t a rare occurrence either, since speaking to a Facebook group I’m part of about these issues, I’ve realised that so many more women also don’t realise they have been assaulted or raped. They have lived in either denial for years, or even just that they didn’t realise what they did was an assault.
Society has raised us to blame ourselves, to fill ourselves with shame and guilt about our experiences and convince ourselves that it is down to us and our actions and behaviours. In my own experience - I truly believed I was to blame for everything that happened to me, I believed I wasn’t clear, I believed I must have consented with my eyes or the way I spoke, or the fact I didn’t outright complain or say anything at the time or for years, must mean it’s my fault. Got drunk? Your fault. Wore a revealing or provocative outfit? Asking for It. Didn’t say no or try to attack them? Clearly wanted it. Didn’t say anything at the time? Made it up over time. Let them convince us? Must have wanted it secretly. Went back to their home? Well you clearly consented just doing that.
When in actual fact what those statements say really is this: too drunk to consent and was taken advantage of. can wear whatever you want but a man couldn’t keep his hands to himself. You didn’t say no or attack because you froze and were too scared to realise what was happening. You didn’t say anything at the time because you didn’t think anyone would believe what happened. Men think convincing a girl is acceptable, and guilt tripping us is okay when it is still assault. You can go to someone’s house and still revoke your consent.
Consent is simply not taught enough to anyone. Men don’t realise that convincing a woman to have sex with them when they clearly don’t want to is assault, and truly believe this is not a bad thing - yes they should have more common sense than that but also, who is teaching them this is wrong? Men allow their friends day in and day out to go about their shitty creep behaviours without a word. From allowing their catcalling and laughing along, to turning a blind eye to their mates controlling behaviour of their partners, to joining in with conversations in the group chat about women and so many other things. When you allow your friend to get away with one shitty behaviour towards women, they see this as acceptable and something they will always get away with, and keep going and going until they are finally caught and reprimanded, and most of the time that never happens. So they continue to treat their girlfriends and women in their life like shit, because well, whose going to say something to them? And women don’t realise they don’t owe anyone consent. I sure was never told I didn’t owe my boyfriends sex, or that I could take back my consent, or that I couldn’t give consent when I’m too drunk or unconscious. And this lived with me until it finally happened to me. And still 7, 7 and 3 years after my assaults I believe it was my fault. Because instead of thinking about the one thing they did that they shouldn’t, I think of all the things I should have done that I didn’t.
It’s taken me a long time, years in fact to understand the true accounts of what’s happened in my past. And still I struggle to accept or see myself as a victim of sexual assault. Because I feel that I got off “too lightly”. Instead of being saddened that these things happened to me at all, I feel as though I cannot possibly be a victim because this wasn’t some gory, violent rape by a stranger in an unsafe space. But assault is assault. Whether it’s a stranger forcing themselves upon you in the street, to a boyfriend coercing you into a sex act because they feel owed, or a guy you’ve been talking to having sex with you despite you being too drunk to consent or even fully conscious throughout. No matter how or what happened, you are a victim of sexual assault, and it is perfectly okay to take your time to come to terms with that and deal with it in your own way. For me, that was denying these things to ever have happened to me until it came exploding out of the little box at the back of my brain. And then finally in the last week in my realisation and acceptance of what happened, I made the call. I called my local SARC in Nottingham which is the Topaz Centre (sexual assault referral centre) and enquired about therapies available, and after two short phone calls with some lovely and helpful ladies, have been added to a waiting list for therapy concerning my historical assaults, alongside a meeting scheduled to discuss whether or not I want to report these and help if I do.
It is not easy to accept and come to terms with what has happened in our pasts, and finally casting away those deep filled emotions of guilt, shame and blame and realising what truly happened. But it comes. And what you do next is completely down to you, I know women that accepted what happened to them as soon as it did, and never sought help but decided to just move on with their life and accept this is what happened, and I also know women who have sought help and intensive therapy for what happened to them. Both is fine. Anything you do to deal with this is your choice. But if you need help, it is there for you to take. A quick google of your local SARC or even a call to a charity helpline for advice will get you directed in the right place and get the ball moving and every step of the way you should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved.
You are not alone and you are not weak or to blame. You are a victim and you are brave and you are not defined by your past.
My inboxes on my social media’s and my email inbox will always be open if ANYONE reading this needs to talk, rant or just speak to someone. I promise I will listen and support in any way I can as a fellow human and victim. Even if you just want to get it out and don’t want me to reply just say “don’t reply to this”. That is okay. But please, never feel alone in your struggles.
Meg xx
Find your nearest SARC https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364
Nottingham SARC Topaz Centre 0115 941 0440
Rape Crisis national phone line 0808 802 9999
Victim Support for Rape and Sexual Assault 08 08 16 89 111
Or contact your GP or local GUM sexual health clinic by Googling their numbers to discuss STI and pregnancy testing
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