How To Help Someone (and cope yourself) ... With Borderline Personality Disorder

So I was thinking of blog post ideas when one of my friends suggested doing a little series on helping other people with various aspects of mental health, in order to cover various topics in more than one post, so today is the first installment and kicking off with helping someone with borderline personality disorder. I'm going to go through each of the 9 symptoms of BPD and talk you through helping someone with each one so grab a cuppa and a biscuit because I imagine it's going to be a long one...

First of all if you have no idea what BPD is and are thinking where the hell do I start, may I point you in the direction of my own post on my own experiences of BPD here to check out. BPD is one of ten personality disorders that affects a possible 9 symptoms/areas of life. These are;

• a great fear of abandonment, and you are willing to do anything to stop this
• intense emotions that change quickly (e.g going from happy and confident to suddenly feeling sad and self-conscious)
• not having a strong sense of who you are (e.g taking on a different persona around different people, making drastic appearance changes to feel "you")
• difficult to make and keep stable relationships - this could be romantic or just friends
• feelings of emptiness
• impulsiveness - e.g using drugs, spending recklessly or binge eating etc
• self-harming or suicidal thoughts
• intense feelings and bouts of anger
• experiences of paranoia or disassociation (e.g the world/you not feeling real as you have disassociated to cope with trauma/crisis) 

It's cliche to say and a bit cheesy, but the first thing to remember is, they are still the person you know and love now they have told you or have been diagnosed with BPD, it changes nothing about the person only explains the reasonings behind their actions. 

Fear Of Abandonment

     This is a biggie with BPD, we are mostly terrified of people leaving us, and will do anything to stop it. This could range from your usual teacher at school, to a romantic partner and anything inbetween. 

      Remember, sometimes although people with BPD are terrified of losing you, they will still sometimes try and push you away, as a pre-preemptive strike into not having to face the feelings of being rejected and so cut you off themselves - this is usually when emotions are high and they are feeling pretty irrational and struggling to cope. Don't take this personally or ask why they are suddenly being 'clingy' or 'needy', they are most likely really struggling at this moment in time and need some reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, that you are here for them and that you want to help them, so ask them to let you in. Never walk away in an argument, this will only trigger the worst in their emotions and think you'll never come back, communication is key with someone and talk your way through problems rather than storming off mid-argument. Needyness can be developed though, so it is important to recognize  when you feel like boundaries are being passed and communicating what you expect from each other when they are feeling calm and rational.

Intense Mood Swings

Another biggie, for me, my mood swings mean I can be in absolutely blissful happiness doing something, being out or sat with my boyfriend or whatever, and suddenly just burst into tears and be filled with sadness, only to be sat wondering why the hell I was ever upset a few minutes later. Obviously this can be hard to deal with when you're unsure why someones emotions are constantly changing with someone, but remember they aren't in control of this and hate it just as much as you do if not more. I am always so apologetic to whoever is around and feel guilty for bringing on this sudden mood change on them and absolutely hate myself for it, but it's out of your control. 

      One tip I was told that sticks by me is to feel the emotions. This might sound silly but it helps me to sit and feel what emotion I'm feeling, a lot of the time I just cry and have this strong sense of everything whirring around my head and makes me shake/shiver with what's going on, so i try and focus myself on what I'm feeling and figure out what has triggered it. You can help someone do this by noticing when this comes about and finding a similarity between episodes, as well as helping them through by just looking after them and asking them to talk if they want to. 

No Strong Sense Of Being / Impulse Control

I decided to put these two together as I find they come hand in hand.. when I'm feeling unsure of who I am and what I'm doing I tend to make big life changing decisions, applying for new jobs, deciding to move out, planning a new educational adventure or something smaller like changing my hair colour and getting new tattoos. This is what I use to cope with episodes of feeling like I've lost myself and try and find an identity in changing the things about myself and changing my life. If someone around you is doing this, you can help them by discussing what they want to do with them, try and rationalise for them the decision they're making, can they afford it? Will this really make them happy? And be there for them if they hate the decision they have made afterwards.

      It can also be good to reassure someone who they are, tell them what you love about them, what you find makes them them and talking them through it. Just try and be there for them no matter what they do and understand they are struggling with an internal battle.

Difficulty With Relationships

This ties in with the fear of abandonment for me, I struggle to not fear someone will leave me and tend to run away from people before they can leave me, after I ended a long term relationship I struggled to ever feel close to someone and would cut ties easily with people I was seeing and finding excuses not to be with people because I was so scared, you'll notice I mentioned a boyfriend so I have managed to overcome that battle but it can still be difficult, communication is key in any relationship but especially so with someone with BPD. If you are friends with someone with BPD this can also come into play, they may find it difficult to make and keep friends so as much as it may feel chore like, make sure you are dropping in on your friends, checking they're okay and aren't trying to run away from you in fear you will leave them, keep them in your life and cherish their friendship. 

Feelings Of Emptiness

When a sadness episode comes about, it's not long before the feeling of emptiness inside comes round and makes the sadness into a low depressive episode. For me this means I don't want to leave my bed or the house, I don't want to talk to people and I just cry for no reason throughout the day. This usually lasts a day or two and for me I need people around me to understand i need time to myself to recover and need them to just be there for me. I don't like to talk about how I feel but some people may need that venting option to get stuff off of their mind so remember to ask them if they want to talk. All you can do when someone is in a low mood is be there for them and ask what you can do for them, ask how you can help and do everything you can to be around them and support them.

Self-Harming and Suicidal Tendencies

I'm planning on doing a whole post about helping someone is suicidal, but if you have a friend with BPD who is using self-harm to cope with their moods try to talk to them, ask them to talk to you when they need it rather than using self-harm to cope. Techniques helpful for stopping self harm are using ice cubes on the skin to feel something that doesn't cause pain, using a rubber band and twanging it against your skin around your wrist, writing out your feelings, using a red pen to angrily scribble even on yourself, exercising (sounds stupid but I like to go to the gym when I'm feeling particularly angry or in need to do something to cope) and lots of other alternatives. 

      Remember don't judge someone who is self-harming or be angry with them, comfort them and remind them they don't need to resort to self-harming and that you are there for them to help when they need it, the worst thing you can do is shame and guilt them for self-harming. 

Intense Bouts Of Anger

One of my worst traits of my BPD has always been my anger, I have been prone to launching things around rooms and blowing my top for the smallest of things in the past and have had to try very hard to control this, but it is difficult. If you know someone with BPD has problems with their anger, remember to be there for them when it happens, don't fight them with your anger too, even if they say something awful, know that they don't mean it and this is another version of the person you know and this is their anger speaking, not them. Know that you are not arguing with them, but their anger, and try not to take things personally. Speak calmly to them and communicate how you are feeling, they may be taking their anger out on you as a way of coping but they don't mean to. This can be incredibly hard to deal with and it's understandable to hate it, but know they again aren't in control of what is going on and of their emotions. 

Feelings of Paranoia

 Paranoia and dealing with it as it is is difficult, but helping someone else with feelings of paranoia can be even harder. For me, I struggle a lot with paranoia, especially in a bad day, I feel like all my friends secretly talk about me, people don't like me, I think about every conversation I've ever had and how i wished I'd never spoken in my life and regret everything I've ever said thinking how I've turned people against me blah blah. It's hard. But remember, this is something and I'll say it again, out of your control. If someone you love is adamant you're going to leave them or dislike them, the last thing you should be doing is getting annoyed or frustrated with them, they can't help it and are struggling with it more than you are, reassure them, tell them how much you love and care about them and listen to their fears. Don't dismiss them as 'stupid' or something else or refuse to listen to 'nonsense', let them vent their fears, so you can help them be reassured in them.

I feel like I have left so much out so there will most likely be a follow up post to this.. but if you have any suggestions yourself or general comments please feel free to pop them in the comments section below!

Meg x

helpful links to check out:
1. The Unexpected Gifts Inside BPD
2. Mind - Friends and Family advice for BPD
3. Mind - What is BPD
4. Mind - Self-care for BPD
5. Supporting Someone With BPD
6. Helping Someone With BPD

5 Little Changes To Make To Improve Your Mental Health

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you will probably know that I suffer or have suffered from various mental health issues. I am a recovered anorexic and a current sufferer of Borderline personality disorder alongside depression and anxiety. I take my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics every morning, but that doesn't make it all magically go away, as nice as that would be.

In the 7 years of suffering with my mental health, I've learnt a lot about coping mechanisms, a lot about medication, a lot about therapies and mainly, a lot about myself. But most recently, I've learnt my triggers for my anxiety and panic attacks, and I've learnt how to cope with a depressive episode. I do take medication and have for about 6 years now, but I never completed any therapies, they weren't for me and to be honest a lot of it, was total bullshit. So I decided, sod it, I'm going to do this myself.

It hasn't been an easy road, but the bumps are fewer and farther between and I can see a lot further ahead of myself than I could, and there's a few changes I've made, some subconsciously, that have really helped me, and can hopefully help someone else.

1. I listen to my body, I go to sleep when I need to (I usually have a nap every day - this is terrible but sometimes when you're tired, you're tired), and I stay in bed if my body and mind isn't up to getting up just yet, some days you need a bit more psyching up for than others, it's fine.

2. I tell people when I need some space or some extra comforting that day. I used to hide away from my bad days and pretend everything was fine, now, I'm honest and when someone asks if I'm okay I say "no, not really, but it will be fine" because it will be.

3. I remind myself that nothing is more important than my own health. For one of my first jobs I worked in retail. I had so many days off that I was getting into trouble, I had two periods of time where I was signed off work by my doctor and I was just miserable. It wasn't the place at first, but it became a place that was haunted by my panic attacks and sadness so much so that I handed in my notice on my first day back without another job to go to, and never looked back. A job that is worsening your mental health is not worth your time, remember that.

4. I stopped using harmful coping mechanisms and started to stop and think rationally. I might have picked up a slight emergency smoking habit (I know, not doctor recommended), but it's a lot better than what my younger self would have done to cope. Or, a little bit more healthy but not by much, I have a nap and wake up and try again. I realised it was doing me no good, and sure I've had relapses, but I've come so far from realising, I'm so much better than that.

5. I try and force myself to do things more. I don't recommend doing this unless you know deep down you are strong enough to, but I started to challenge myself. I say yes to going out, yes to meeting up with people, yes to talking to strangers etc.

Sometimes there are days when all you can do is survive it, and that is okay, some of these things are for when you're feeling mentally stronger but that doesn't mean you can't do it.

What do you do to cope with your bad days?

Meg x

A Word On Happiness

So today was a big day for me. I've been seeing doctors, psychiatrists and god knows who else for a long time, around 8 years now, and have mostly always left in tears, feeling down, worse than I did before and all round miserable. But today I drove myself to my appointment for the first time ever, I went in on my own with my makeup on and a real smile on my face, and left with one too. I told her I was happy, and meant it. I posted this on my instagram alongside a photo of me and my boyfriend, someone who has definitely been a massive factor in my changed mood and when I saw it on my feed again I was washed over with emotions and decided to jot them down.

Feeling 'happy' when you have BPD is a risky one as it is, alongside this happiness there is also; guilt, that you have this illness yet feel completely fine; anxiety and fear, that this could all come crashing down in seconds; and impulse, the need to do everything you want to and possibly can in this period of happiness before it all comes to an end. This makes achieving a recovery position in your mental health extremely difficult, you almost don't let yourself be happy in fear of the unknown, not knowing how long it will last, not knowing how hard you'll crash when it does happen, if this is mania or you're genuinely having a really good day/time. Basically, what should be a milestone and an amazing part of living with a mental health condition, turns into a shit show of emotions and most of the time I end up making myself miserable with worry and anxiety over it. Less than ideal.

Now I know this is more than just a brief manic episode or a brief period of an 'up', in January after a night out I attempted to take my own life out of the blue and around my favourite people in the world, I snapped and I'd had enough. And now just a mere few weeks later I feel on top of the world, ready to take on anything, I passed my driving test, got my own little pap (thanks to our Dave - love you dad), gained a boyfriend and many more things, meaning I feel better than I could ever have dreamed I would that January night. And yet as I sit here reflecting on being happy, I'm suddenly filled with, yep, anxiety, guilt, fear.

What I really wanted to say alongside all this waffling is that it is perfectly okay to be afraid of happiness, afraid of the unknown, afraid of what could go wrong, but sometimes you have to ask yourself 'well, what could go wrong?' sometimes it's worth the fear, and this time I definitely feel it is. When you've spent the majority of your life filled with sadness, emptiness and worthlessness, it is beyond reasonable for you to be anxious that you feel happy, but no one is going to snatch that away from you, there's no cosmic reason that your happiness must equate to sadness later on, we all make our own paths in life and make our own happiness, and it's important to remember that it's okay to be worried. But embrace life and embrace the happy periods no matter how small, make the most of your time feeling this change and know that if/when it comes back around to being down, that you made the most of the time and you did what you can, rather than sat wallowing about when it will end, you can thank yourself for doing everything you wanted.

Finally a word on happiness guilt when you live with a mental health condition... don't ever feel that you can't feel good, enjoy life and enjoy things because you're "supposed" to be depressed, anxious, ill, etc. Recovery is scary and change is scary but the end goal is to help yourself out of this, or at the very minimum learning to cope and live with your feelings, which all includes feeling enjoyment, happiness, and a sense of calm. On my good days I used to sit and think how can I go around telling people I have depression when I'm perfectly fine? And get this 'imposter syndrome' of feeling like I'm living a lie, and thinking I must be making it up. I still get these days, but I try to remind myself that this is part of recovery, learning to enjoy the good days is a positive, and no matter how many ignorant people try and tell you "you don't look depressed", "should you be out when you're supposed to be ill" (yep I have had this one, whilst on a period of sickness from my job - thanks! You unnamed arsehole) ignore them, realise you're doing this for you and all that matters is how YOU are feeling and how you are dealing with it.

Embrace the happiness, embrace change and embrace the unknown.

Meg x

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

For my first proper post on here I thought I may as well dive straight in.. I want to use this blog to raise awareness on issues as well as help others, and BPD is something which isn't as widely known as it should be, so this post is more of an insight into what it actually is. In late 2017 when I was 19 I finally got my official diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, a PD which affects your ability to regulate emotions, keep stable relationships and cope with intense mood swings. I'd always known this was the case, but getting a diagnosis of BPD can be extremely difficult, firstly I was told I'd have to wait til I was part of adults mental health team as doctors can be reluctant to diagnose til you're around 20/21, and secondly I was told I just had depression for a long time, despite insisting there was something more.

So what is BPD? For those of you who don't know, it is one of the most common personality disorders, and is described as "mood disorder that affects how people interact with others, and affects 4 key areas, emotional instability, disturbed patterns of thinking, impulsive behaviors and intense but unstable relationships with others" it can often be confused for bipolar, but where someone with bipolar may experience weeks or months of highs and lows, someone with BPD can change from extreme happiness to extreme depression in seconds, and this can happen multiple times a day.

There are 9 main symptoms, and you have to have at least 5 to gain a diagnosis. These are;

• a great fear of abandonment, and you are willing to do anything to stop this
• intense emotions that change quickly (e.g going from happy and confident to suddenly feeling sad and self-conscious)
• not having a strong sense of who you are (e.g taking on a different persona around different people, making drastic appearance changes to feel "you")
• difficult to make and keep stable relationships - this could be romantic or just friends
• feelings of emptiness
• impulsiveness - e.g using drugs, spending recklessly or binge eating etc
• self-harming or suicidal thoughts
• intense feelings and bouts of anger
• experiences of paranoia or disassociation (e.g the world/you not feeling real as you have disassociated to cope with trauma/crisis) 

This makes having BPD hard to associate with other people who also have BPD, as people can have any combination of the above symptoms, personally I have experienced all 9 in my life as have most people with BPD, and learning to cope with all of them is important step in recovery, as well as noticing when and if you do the above things too. 

Put in simple terms, for me, having BPD means that I frequently have bouts of paranoia, mainly taking its form as thinking people don't like me or don't want me around in their life, thinking I'm being talked about etc, which can make friendships difficult, and I find it very hard to trust and believe people if they are nice to me etc. I also have extreme mood swings, so I can experience a bout of mania where I am totally ecstatic, this is usually around friends or new people, and I lose my impulse control, so I will drink too much, spend too much money, decide to get a new tattoo, change my hair, or anything, and after a few hours at max I will suddenly feel very empty, very sad and need to get home and be on my own to recover. I am lucky to have people around me who understand when this happens and can get me out and help me but when you don't it can be very scary and very overwhelming, leading to panic attacks or even suicidal thoughts, which is a specific blog post I want to focus on in the near future. 

I have my good days, just like anyone with a mental illness, and at the minute I haven't had a bad episode in a few weeks, but the problem with BPD is knowing just how hard and fast this can change. It could take seconds for me to suddenly crash and my mood be completely different, rendering me unable to speak to people, unable to get out of bed and unable to cope with the day. But that's okay too, I have my bad days and I have times where I'm so low I don't know what to do with myself. But healing isn't linear. Recovery isn't a straight line and you have to go through the phases sadly, which I intend to share on this blog as raw and as honest as it feels in real life. 

I hope this has opened a few eyes on what BPD is and maybe even resonated within some people that maybe this is something they're going through too, as always feel free to contact me or leave a comment and share. 

Meg x

Hello Again..

Hello! Some of you may remember my old blog meghobson.com, mainly a place for makeup reviews and hauls, and it's been a long time since that blog was up and running, but I've decided to take another swing at blogging, this time from a mental health perspective.

I used to write the occasional mental health post, and have always been very open about my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, alongside anxiety and depression, and have always been keen to help others and help close down the stigma on mental illnesses. It's been 2 years this year since my diagnosis, and I'm in a much better place than I was when I was last writing blog posts, and thought now was the perfect time to get back on the horse, especially whilst I'm between jobs and waiting to start a new job in the mental health sector.

So please feel free to Follow my blog with Bloglovin and keep up with my social medias linked on the side of this post.

Meg x