How To Help Someone (and cope yourself) ... With Borderline Personality Disorder

So I was thinking of blog post ideas when one of my friends suggested doing a little series on helping other people with various aspects of mental health, in order to cover various topics in more than one post, so today is the first installment and kicking off with helping someone with borderline personality disorder. I'm going to go through each of the 9 symptoms of BPD and talk you through helping someone with each one so grab a cuppa and a biscuit because I imagine it's going to be a long one...

First of all if you have no idea what BPD is and are thinking where the hell do I start, may I point you in the direction of my own post on my own experiences of BPD here to check out. BPD is one of ten personality disorders that affects a possible 9 symptoms/areas of life. These are;

• a great fear of abandonment, and you are willing to do anything to stop this
• intense emotions that change quickly (e.g going from happy and confident to suddenly feeling sad and self-conscious)
• not having a strong sense of who you are (e.g taking on a different persona around different people, making drastic appearance changes to feel "you")
• difficult to make and keep stable relationships - this could be romantic or just friends
• feelings of emptiness
• impulsiveness - e.g using drugs, spending recklessly or binge eating etc
• self-harming or suicidal thoughts
• intense feelings and bouts of anger
• experiences of paranoia or disassociation (e.g the world/you not feeling real as you have disassociated to cope with trauma/crisis) 

It's cliche to say and a bit cheesy, but the first thing to remember is, they are still the person you know and love now they have told you or have been diagnosed with BPD, it changes nothing about the person only explains the reasonings behind their actions. 

Fear Of Abandonment

     This is a biggie with BPD, we are mostly terrified of people leaving us, and will do anything to stop it. This could range from your usual teacher at school, to a romantic partner and anything inbetween. 

      Remember, sometimes although people with BPD are terrified of losing you, they will still sometimes try and push you away, as a pre-preemptive strike into not having to face the feelings of being rejected and so cut you off themselves - this is usually when emotions are high and they are feeling pretty irrational and struggling to cope. Don't take this personally or ask why they are suddenly being 'clingy' or 'needy', they are most likely really struggling at this moment in time and need some reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, that you are here for them and that you want to help them, so ask them to let you in. Never walk away in an argument, this will only trigger the worst in their emotions and think you'll never come back, communication is key with someone and talk your way through problems rather than storming off mid-argument. Needyness can be developed though, so it is important to recognize  when you feel like boundaries are being passed and communicating what you expect from each other when they are feeling calm and rational.

Intense Mood Swings

Another biggie, for me, my mood swings mean I can be in absolutely blissful happiness doing something, being out or sat with my boyfriend or whatever, and suddenly just burst into tears and be filled with sadness, only to be sat wondering why the hell I was ever upset a few minutes later. Obviously this can be hard to deal with when you're unsure why someones emotions are constantly changing with someone, but remember they aren't in control of this and hate it just as much as you do if not more. I am always so apologetic to whoever is around and feel guilty for bringing on this sudden mood change on them and absolutely hate myself for it, but it's out of your control. 

      One tip I was told that sticks by me is to feel the emotions. This might sound silly but it helps me to sit and feel what emotion I'm feeling, a lot of the time I just cry and have this strong sense of everything whirring around my head and makes me shake/shiver with what's going on, so i try and focus myself on what I'm feeling and figure out what has triggered it. You can help someone do this by noticing when this comes about and finding a similarity between episodes, as well as helping them through by just looking after them and asking them to talk if they want to. 

No Strong Sense Of Being / Impulse Control

I decided to put these two together as I find they come hand in hand.. when I'm feeling unsure of who I am and what I'm doing I tend to make big life changing decisions, applying for new jobs, deciding to move out, planning a new educational adventure or something smaller like changing my hair colour and getting new tattoos. This is what I use to cope with episodes of feeling like I've lost myself and try and find an identity in changing the things about myself and changing my life. If someone around you is doing this, you can help them by discussing what they want to do with them, try and rationalise for them the decision they're making, can they afford it? Will this really make them happy? And be there for them if they hate the decision they have made afterwards.

      It can also be good to reassure someone who they are, tell them what you love about them, what you find makes them them and talking them through it. Just try and be there for them no matter what they do and understand they are struggling with an internal battle.

Difficulty With Relationships

This ties in with the fear of abandonment for me, I struggle to not fear someone will leave me and tend to run away from people before they can leave me, after I ended a long term relationship I struggled to ever feel close to someone and would cut ties easily with people I was seeing and finding excuses not to be with people because I was so scared, you'll notice I mentioned a boyfriend so I have managed to overcome that battle but it can still be difficult, communication is key in any relationship but especially so with someone with BPD. If you are friends with someone with BPD this can also come into play, they may find it difficult to make and keep friends so as much as it may feel chore like, make sure you are dropping in on your friends, checking they're okay and aren't trying to run away from you in fear you will leave them, keep them in your life and cherish their friendship. 

Feelings Of Emptiness

When a sadness episode comes about, it's not long before the feeling of emptiness inside comes round and makes the sadness into a low depressive episode. For me this means I don't want to leave my bed or the house, I don't want to talk to people and I just cry for no reason throughout the day. This usually lasts a day or two and for me I need people around me to understand i need time to myself to recover and need them to just be there for me. I don't like to talk about how I feel but some people may need that venting option to get stuff off of their mind so remember to ask them if they want to talk. All you can do when someone is in a low mood is be there for them and ask what you can do for them, ask how you can help and do everything you can to be around them and support them.

Self-Harming and Suicidal Tendencies

I'm planning on doing a whole post about helping someone is suicidal, but if you have a friend with BPD who is using self-harm to cope with their moods try to talk to them, ask them to talk to you when they need it rather than using self-harm to cope. Techniques helpful for stopping self harm are using ice cubes on the skin to feel something that doesn't cause pain, using a rubber band and twanging it against your skin around your wrist, writing out your feelings, using a red pen to angrily scribble even on yourself, exercising (sounds stupid but I like to go to the gym when I'm feeling particularly angry or in need to do something to cope) and lots of other alternatives. 

      Remember don't judge someone who is self-harming or be angry with them, comfort them and remind them they don't need to resort to self-harming and that you are there for them to help when they need it, the worst thing you can do is shame and guilt them for self-harming. 

Intense Bouts Of Anger

One of my worst traits of my BPD has always been my anger, I have been prone to launching things around rooms and blowing my top for the smallest of things in the past and have had to try very hard to control this, but it is difficult. If you know someone with BPD has problems with their anger, remember to be there for them when it happens, don't fight them with your anger too, even if they say something awful, know that they don't mean it and this is another version of the person you know and this is their anger speaking, not them. Know that you are not arguing with them, but their anger, and try not to take things personally. Speak calmly to them and communicate how you are feeling, they may be taking their anger out on you as a way of coping but they don't mean to. This can be incredibly hard to deal with and it's understandable to hate it, but know they again aren't in control of what is going on and of their emotions. 

Feelings of Paranoia

 Paranoia and dealing with it as it is is difficult, but helping someone else with feelings of paranoia can be even harder. For me, I struggle a lot with paranoia, especially in a bad day, I feel like all my friends secretly talk about me, people don't like me, I think about every conversation I've ever had and how i wished I'd never spoken in my life and regret everything I've ever said thinking how I've turned people against me blah blah. It's hard. But remember, this is something and I'll say it again, out of your control. If someone you love is adamant you're going to leave them or dislike them, the last thing you should be doing is getting annoyed or frustrated with them, they can't help it and are struggling with it more than you are, reassure them, tell them how much you love and care about them and listen to their fears. Don't dismiss them as 'stupid' or something else or refuse to listen to 'nonsense', let them vent their fears, so you can help them be reassured in them.

I feel like I have left so much out so there will most likely be a follow up post to this.. but if you have any suggestions yourself or general comments please feel free to pop them in the comments section below!

Meg x

helpful links to check out:
1. The Unexpected Gifts Inside BPD
2. Mind - Friends and Family advice for BPD
3. Mind - What is BPD
4. Mind - Self-care for BPD
5. Supporting Someone With BPD
6. Helping Someone With BPD