A Raw and Real BPD Episode In Words* (*Waffle)

My most popular posts so far seem to be the ones I write more raw and openly about myself, and the ones I've written whilst I'm having a big cry or some sort of dramatic meltdown, so I thought I may as well steer into that skid and write this is little rant/waffle during a down episode and how I miss the feelings of my more high/elated moods. (note: this was written during an episode and right now - as per BPD - I'm happy as larry and wondering what I got my knickers all in a twist about)

So right now, I feel angry, sad, frustrated, hopeless, guilty, fed up, miserable and everything in between. You see, the thing with BPD (another oh so fantastic part of it) is the times when you just feel, everything. You can feel the emotions whirring round in your head, running through your veins from your toes to your head, rushing around and filling your whole body up with it's over whelming emotions. And to be quite frank, it's fucking shit.

 I can feel everything. When I told a therapist this she told me to tune into my feelings, rather than have a nap and ignore them (me? nap to ignore emotions or any responsibility? never) or shut them out, she said focus on the feelings, look through emotions charts and find where you're at. Well right now I'm at: fucking miserable and also fucking clueless. So that worked.

I feel like I want to shout and scream and for someone to actually hear me, to understand my words and feel what I feel, to take it away and make it all better. But I also want to run away and hide, crawl so far under my duvet that no one will ever find me and no one will talk to me or ask what's wrong so I don't have to lie.

I want to cry and cry until I've ran myself dry of all the tears possible, I want to sob and shake until I'm empty inside. I want to make it all stop shouting in my head, I want to make the feelings stop whispering and running away before I can hear them. But I want to make it stop, I want to fight and I want to stop crying and not let them get to me.

Everything is so loud in my head it's confusing and noisy and knowing all I can do is wait it out until it ends is so frustrating it makes me want to put my head through a wall. 

This right here is the true realness of living with BPD and any other mental health condition... the slightest of things can make your mind switch, and everything you felt is gone, and with it comes the overwhelming wave of emotions that are just too much. What people sometimes don't grasp about BPD, is the sheer volume of how much we feel emotion, saying "oh I get frustrated too" is almost ignorance to how painful it can be when we feel sadness and anger, the typical emotions of those with BPD is proven to be higher as we struggle to firstly identify the emotion we are feeling, and our minds can't regulate these the way a regular brain can, meaning the feeling is intensified and can lead to severe reactions. Picture two pans of water on the hob. A regular brain will slowly boil from cold to hot, whereas a BPD brain will go from cold to bubbling over the pan in seconds.

Really there is no point to this post other than to highlight to people just how hard and real a bad episode can be in BPD, and the whole point of blogging my journey is to show the ups and downs of recovery so here you have it.

Hopefully my next post will be of some use to people and not some waffle about a sad whiny whinge gal.

Meg x