Who Am I?

 "you used to be this confident, 'didn't need no one person'" 

Used to be.  Because I'm no longer confident, I no longer think I can conquer the world on my own, I no longer know who I am. 

Who am i? 

I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore, I don't know who the megan in the reflection is, or who Megan is at all. 

I remember laughing, and happy times, and now I don't feel like I'll ever laugh or feel happy again. It might sound dramatic, but that's what mental illness does to you, it drains you of all positive emotions, makes you forget the good times you've had, and think you'll never have them again. 

My mental illness has tore me apart for going on ten years now, and I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling down, of feeling depressed, of losing people because I can't contain myself. I've lost the person I thought I would love forever, because of my illness and what it causes me to do and be like, it's changed me into a person I don't even recognise anymore. 

I don't want to be angry, or violent, or lash out, or upset anyone. But that's all I'm capable of doing right now, is pushing people away or making them leave because of how I am. And I can't do it anymore but I don't know how to stop it. 

When I feel anger, I don't know how to stop it, I don't know it's coming and I can't stop myself to take a breath, I don't remember what I say to people or what I do, I just remember words and then shaking and feeling this fire within me, and  I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to stop being this angry horrible version of me. I don't want to hurt anyone, or upset anyone. But I can't cope with this feeling, this feeling of someone taking over me, and making me say these things and lash out, that's not me. That's not Megan anymore and I don't know who this person is.

I have moments, brief moments, where I want to live. I want to live my life and be happy and do all the things I want to do, and then they come crashing down to the tune of the voiceless person living in my head who says no, no you can't do any of those things. This person wants to kill me, whether it to put me out of my misery or to harm me I don't know but this is the person behind the suicide attempts, it's not Megan. 

Megan wants to live, wants to move out and get dogs and have their own place and work and earn money to travel, spend time with her family, take her niece places, play with her dog. And for brief moments this seems possible. 

When I look in the mirror, I see a hollow shell of a person. A girl lost to her mental ill health, a girl lost in the world, unknowing of who to turn to or what to do. But that's not who I want to be anymore, I just don't know how to find her again. 

I suppose the whole point of life is to find yourself, but right now it seems a dauntingly hard task. A task I'm not sure where I can start with. I suppose I go to the therapies I'm offered, live each day and learn who I am. 

Meg x