2020 - Where Do I Even Begin?

 

I think it's completely reasonable at this point to assume everyone's 2020 has been utter horse shit, a write off, a flusher of a year. But for me 2020 has been the most challenging, heart-breaking and life changing year yet - and I'm hoping ever. But I haven't written on here in a long time and I think I owe myself a round up of everything that's happened and to also remind myself that despite all the shit I've been through this year, I'm still here and standing and that is something I should be proud of myself for.

Despite my january relapse, my mental health slowly started improving at the start of the year, I got myself a new job I was due to start soon and had started a relationship with a man from nottingham where I frequently visited him, me and my friends had our usual messy night outs and it seemed like this year would be the same as the rest of them. Until of course March, and the first covid lockdown was announced. At the time I was at my boyfriends and unsure what to do for the lockdown, and after only two months of dating we made the decision for me to move in temporarily. 

I then started my new job at a nottingham branch, as a residential childcare worker in a childrens home, and I fell in love with it. I loved my job, every incident of name calling, banter with the kids, talking with the other staff, driving around, it kept me going. And then I relapsed, and again. 

I'm fairly used to the highs and lows of bpd by now, but this year was something else, one minute i'd be on cloud nine, and the next it would all come crashing down around me, and I'd be back in handcuffs, by the riverside with my boyfriend crying on the phone to my crying family telling them I'd once again tried to end my life, and this cycle continued until September, where I was finally admitted to a psychiatric unit as an informal patient - I luckily escaped a section - and my boyfriend called our relationship to an end. 

So much in my life changed this year, I moved cities, I started a new very quickly very serious relationship, I started a new job and my life I had gotten into a safe routine of crumbled and everything was new, a life of masks and fear and social distancing and for the first time in 22 years I was away from my family and making new routines of my own in a new home with a new man. So it's hardly surprising when all these changes started to take a noticeable toll on my mental health and how I dealt with it, and the topic of an autism diagnosis was brought up for the first time since I was 15 when it was first questioned and never resolved, so I finally plucked up the courage and spoke to my doctor about a referral and  I'm now awaiting a formal diagnosis. This year has brought out the worst in me, I've had to adapt in ways I didn't think I'd ever have to and deal with things I'd never dealt with before.

And on the 16th July, we lost my beloved grandad Brian. A man that I will miss and think about forever, truly the most wonderful and gentlemanly man I have and will ever meet. Even when you know the death of a loved one is not far off, and we'd known for a long time this was coming, it never gets easier, that long awaited and dreaded phone call comes and they're just gone. Forever. It really really sucks. And I know I'm far from the only person to have lost loved one this year, and to those of you who also have my heart and love goes out to you, it is awful and something nobody wants.

So there I was, heart broken and at my lowest, sat inside a psychiatric ward for the first time being a patient and not a member of staff. It was only two weeks of an admission, but it was one of the worst times of my life. When they told me after a week that they wanted to discharge me a week later with no changes to my meds or care, I was terrified, but then the day before my discharge my doctor pulled me to one side and told me I'd be moving to a supported living unit called Beacon Lodge in nottingham where I would live with 24/7 staff support for 8 weeks. I thought it was just to get me back on my feet, but eventually when I moved to beacon I was told the plan for me was to help me get onto the nottingham council house list and get my own home and start my own life down here with the help of my CPN's and mental health team. This didn't go quite to plan as 11 weeks later I was still living at beacon and still no luck on the council list. but by week 11 I was told I had a flat, but it wouldn't be ready until february and since I couldn't stay at beacon lodge and start my new job (I was dismissed by my old job and had to find something new) I had to move..

and now it's December, and I'm currently living in a homeless shelter. Which sounds pretty dramatic, but it's okay. It's my own self-contained flat, and sure it smells of weed and it's noisy and it was scary at first but it's a roof over my head with a brighter future of my own flat and a new job to look forward to. 

So that's where I'm currently at. It's been the longest, winding road of shit storm of a year, but we've made it. I honestly thought this was the year I'd be gone, the year I'd finally do it, and all I can say is, I'm so glad I didn't and I finally got onto the road of help I need. I have two CPNs, regular appointments with a psychiatrist and plans to start therapy in the new year. Life still isn't perfect, I'm pretty lonely down here with no family and friends and a tier 4 to restrict me seeing them anyway, but the future seems a hell of a lot brighter than it did a few months ago, and even thought it's a small improvement, I will gladly take it with  both hands.

I know this year has been tough, on everyone. And if you got to end of this post and you've also had a shitty year, just know that you are not alone. Your feelings are valid and please please talk to someone if you are struggling. I know all too well what it feels like to want the world to just stop and keep that bottled up inside, please let it out. 

I really genuinely hope 2021 is better. I have to believe it will be or boy are we in trouble. Manifesting a whole lot of love, happiness and all that shit to every single one of you. Keep going and stay strong.

Meg x