Two police officers have just left my flat, to deliver the news I’ve been dreading and yet anticipated. My rapist isn’t going to court. 

I feel like my world is shattered all over again. To know that a man who is a police officer and a person of a public job and a rapist, gets to walk free like nothing ever happened, is the most awful stab to the heart I’ve ever received. 

I knew going into the reporting process it wouldn’t be nice or easy, and the chances of court never mind conviction were slim. But to be dealt the blow for real is something else. It’s like the entire public system shoving it in my face that they don’t believe me, that it was my fault, and it’s not their problem. 

How is any woman or person supposed to feel safe in the justice system when justice is very rarely reached? Because I’m not the only person to have their case dismissed on lack of evidence, far from it. The fact that my word that this has happened to me and this is how I’m feeling and the fact that it’s crushing my entire world daily to deal with isn’t enough is heartbreaking - to be told there is lack of evidence for something I relive in my mind everyday is horrifying. Because the evidence is there. Embedded into my brain, poisoning all my memories and emotions. 

And now I have to move on with this. Move on from the fact that I tried. That I stood up and said this happened. And it made no difference whatsoever. That this man will most likely continue his career in the police force, whose going to sack an officer whose case is dropped after a mere few months of reporting? And this man may rape or assault again. I will always feel that if that happens, it will be my fault. Because I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t report early enough. I didn’t fight back enough. 

In 9 months time I will hopefully be starting therapy to deal with these feelings and emotions surrounding the rape and hopefully improve my well being surrounding this. But right now I don’t know what to do. I feel empty and numb and sad and disheartened and everything in between. 

I hope one day this process will be easier for women and people. I hope one day justice will be reached more often and more successfully. I hope one day I will heal from this. And I hope one day the mere sight of a police officer won’t make me squirm and have to run away. I hope one day I will trust again. I hope one day I won’t feel like a failure or to blame. 

But for right now, I’m going to bury myself under the duvet and be sad about my loss of justice. Then I’ll get up and try again tomorrow, like we do everyday. Just not right now. 

Meg x