Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

I've been trying to figure out how to open this blog post for about 25 minutes, when I want to write something positive and helpful but all I can really muster up the strength to say is, I'm struggling.

I'm struggling to just get out of bed in the morning. I don't want to shower, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to speak to anyone and I want to sleep all day. But I do all these things, I get up, I go to work in a psychiatric hospital and I do my best to help young people cope with their lives when I can't even cope with my own. I talk to people and laugh and joke with colleagues and tell them funny jokes about my life and pretend everything is fine, I smile and laugh and walk down the corridors singing and fist bumping my co workers with a "I'm good thanks you?!" when all I really want to do is curl up in a ball on the floor and sob.

Living with a mental illness is exhausting. Faking and living a second life is tiring, having to pretend to be fine is draining. But we do it, because it hurts too much to just say "actually you know what, I'm not doing so great right now". Admitting I'm struggling is a personal milestone I can't quite tackle and never have been able to, I've never wanted to appear weak, or leave myself open to judgement - "is she safe to work here like that?" "maybe she's lying to get attention" "she's so dramatic" "all she does is complain that girl".

For me, BPD means I swing from one erratic mood swing to the next within minutes, sometimes seconds. Today I've been singing my heart out in the car, barely able to sit still in my seat in the coffee shop talking and ranting at a million words per second, happy and laughing and now a mere few hours later I'm so sunken into a depression I couldn't even get out of bed to go get a drink, just sitting up to write this post is physically painful on my body and my mind feels numb. I'm panic stricken about what my mood will be like next, and how easy it will be to get up tomorrow and take myself off to work. It also means that earlier, when I received a phone call to say I wouldn't be seeing my psychiatrist, someone I've seen every 3 months for nearly 4 years, again, I completely broke down, sobbing on the phone to the duty manager and angrily telling her to fuck off when she couldn't help me and was only passing on the message as to why I hadn't received an appointment letter.

I struggle to contain and deal with emotions, particularly stress or change, this can make me angry and erratic, and lead to a complete mental breakdown. For example, last night a wave of sadness took over me, and I began sobbing on my friend out of nowhere. I was overcome with emotions of not being able to cope with this anymore, and just wanting an out. When they and my mum touched me to try and comfort me I began screaming in pain, I couldn't bare to be touched or spoken to. 20 minutes later when I finally calmed down I fell straight to sleep, exhausted at the deep depression my mood had swung me into.

Living with borderline personality disorder makes these experiences a daily occurrence, and can make me difficult to be around. I can find different tones of voices hard to swallow, instantly feeling a hostility between me and someone else, and find it difficult to voice my frustrations at situations I don't feel comfortable in, instead hyperventilating and getting myself close to a panic attack in my seat.

But it also means I can be the life and soul of the party, the one that gets everyone up to dance and the one that always wants to please people. The one that's always there to listen, to help you with whatever you're going through and lend an ear day or night. It means I can be empathetic and sympathetic and help you get through problem, because I know what it feels like to struggle.

Living and dealing with a mental illness is exhausting, painful and tiresome, but it is doable. Going to work everyday, seeing and talking to friends, going out for drinks and meals and spending time with loved ones is possible, no matter what your mind tells you. You are always loved and never alone.

Meg x 

Working With a Mental Illness

"they're fine... perfect actually" says the nurse on shift to my colleague who requested my obs to be taken as I was feeling unwell, they're fine he says, yet I feel like the complete opposite. My heart is racing, my chest is tight, my palms are sweaty and I'm struggling to see straight or make a coherent sentence. This is what one of my BPD/anxiety episodes at work looks like, me sobbing on an office chair trying to compose myself and being sent home told to rest and get myself right, not to worry it'll all be okay. But will it? Will I return to my next shift faced with the same weighted dread on my shoulders or will I make it through laughing and joking?

Working full time with a mental illness is tiring, it's long days filled with toilet trips sobbing to yourself, it's sick days pretending to have the flu out of shame, being called into the office to be asked how you're doing, and lying saying you're fine. It's telling coworkers "yeah, I'm just tired!" as they ask why you're so quiet today, and saying you've been feeling unwell as they ask where you've been recently.

I've been working ever since I was 16 and flitted from job to job, suffering from countless panic attacks, BPD episodes and anxiety attacks in offices, outside the building and on the bus in. I've had empathetic managers and people who couldn't care less unless I was staying to finish my shift. But I've tried, god knows I've tried. I've left jobs for the sake of my health and I've gone elsewhere and yet again struggled.

Having a mental illness and trying to work full time is always going to be a struggle, but when you're unwell, having time off shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. Do we go into work when we break our bones? Do we take a day off for the flu or some other physical illness? Then why should our mental health be any different? We shouldn't be hiding from our diagnoses and not naming this as our sickness reasons, yet we do.

Advice I see and hear a lot but don't see in practice is "no job is worth your mental health" which is so unbelievably true, yet we don't follow it, because it's just not practical sometimes is it? We all have bills to pay and money we need and sometimes you physically can't accommodate a sick pay day or to be unemployed for the sake of our health. But we should, and jobs should be more accommodating to mental health.

Finding a job you love is so important, but it doesn't fix your mental illness, and I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's not the job. Don't get me wrong sometimes it is but a lot of the time, the problem is the illness, and that's not something you can help but something you learn to cope with and something you become stronger from. I love my job and I love going to work but that doesn't stop the tears from falling in the toilets and the panic attacks in the staff room. Your brain may tell you that you don't belong in your job or that you're a failure but you aren't one bit, you're struggling and it's perfectly okay to ask for help.

Always ask for help.

Meg x

5 Things Anxiety Makes Me Do

So a lot of you will know that anxiety is something that has plagued my life for longer than I care to remember, ever since I was a kid I have been haunted my a sick feeling in my stomach, sweaty palms and an inability to speak, leading to panic attacks of me sat breathless, unable to speak or breathe properly in a fright on the floor.

One thing I've learnt in coping with anxiety, is finding out my triggers, what makes me anxious, what triggers a panic attack etc, and alongside this, learning my behaviours when I am feeling anxious, and helping me and other people notice when I might need taking aside and having a minute. Learning these behaviours has been hard, and accepting that this is how I have learnt to cope and trying to unlearn bad methods is also difficult, but has taught me a few things. So today I thought I'd share my learnt behaviours of anxiety and hope some of you might relate.

Ignore How I'm Feeling 

I am queen of the passive aggressive sometimes, and often when I'm feeling anxious, depressed, or just having a bad day I will respond with "yeah, I'm fine" or "no, nothing's up" instead of just accepting that yep actually, I'm not okay and I need some time. I often ignore how I'm feeling and  try to shake it off on my own, when really what I should be doing is accepting how I'm feeling and asking for some help. 

Projecting 

Another bad habit of mine is projecting how I'm feeling onto other people, when I'm feeling anxious I tend to be very defensive of my moods, especially when I'm not in the mood to admit something is wrong. Because of this, I tend to become very snappy and grouchy, I'm not the nicest person when I get like this but I tend to lash out at my loved ones and shout and just storm off on my own  - basically a 21 year old stroppy teenager. 

Paranoia 

I tend to struggle with paranoia quite a lot in general, and is one of my worst BPD traits I have, but is also something that crops up a lot during anxious states of minds. When I'm feeling anxious and overwhelmed I tend to go into overdrive in my thinking and quickly spiral out of control with my paranoid thoughts, thinking that people don't like me, I have no friends or the friends I have are pretending to like me, that I'm bothering people with my anxiety that they don't want to help or be around me, everything like that basically. This is a really painful trait of my mental health that I struggle with a lot and will talk about it in more depth in another post one day. 

Unable To sit Still

My, and probably a lot of other people's, biggest giveaway of anxiety is fidgety behaviour. My personal ticks are fidgeting with my hands, twiddling my thumbs and shaking my legs. It's a very common trait to be fidgety when anxious and is also one of my very annoying ones, at school I was always the person shaking their legs or tapping their pen because of my anxiety, and still do it now. 

Stop Speaking 

Another thing I tend to do when i'm anxious is stop speaking, I suddenly go very quiet and take my mind somewhere else to distract myself. This is usually when someone says "are you okay?" and the cycle of lying to myself about how i'm feeling begins. 

Other notable mentions are stress induced IBS symptoms - like incredibly painful stomach cramps -, panic attacks although luckily are very few and far between these days and stutter/unable to form sentences, I tend to forget how to speak when I'm very anxious and just make a string of non-sensical noises to indicate my state.

Let me know what you thought of this post and if you relate to any of these, or what anxiety causes you to do in the comments below! 

Meg x 

5 Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Anxiety is something that has wrecked my life for a while (and a while I mean my whole life lol) and is something I've spent a lot of my time and life trying to deal with and find ways of coping with it. I like to think that at 21 I have some rough idea of my triggers, of what to do when I start to feel anxious and how to deal with my anxiety, but really I'm just in the muddle of it as anyone else, but I have learnt some coping methods and want to share them with you guys too. (I'm practicing them as I write this as I've currently just ran out of the gym feeling overwhelmed and anxious, oops)

Finding Your Triggers 

I've mentioned this in my previous post How To Help Someone With Anxiety/Panic Attacks  that finding your triggers is one of the more important tips with anxiety, it's always helpful to know what is causing your anxiety and what is triggering you to feel anxious in situations. For me, I don't like overly crowded places when I'm feeling anxious already, sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I get very overwhelmed, it's also hard for me to cope with new places and new people, I turn quite shy and quiet until I've settled in somewhere and tend to feel very anxious until I've soothed.

Listen To Your Body

Like I did today with the gym, I walked in and didn't feel right, I got onto the treadmill and my breathing started to get faster, my head started to spin and I immediately got off and ran back to my car and let it all out. Sometimes you really have to listen to what your body is telling you, if it's saying "turn around, leave" sometimes that is what you need to do. It doesn't mean you are weak or letting your anxiety win, it means you're doing what is best for you and your body and mind. If you're in a situation you don't feel comfortable in and is putting you at and is making you anxious sometimes the best thing to do is get out and find somewhere safe for you, I like to go and get 10 minutes of fresh air to calm myself down and decide whether to stay or go, because that's what I need and what's best for my mind.

Not Everything Is In Your Control

This is one I struggle with, accepting that not everything is in my control. Some things you can't help in life that make you anxious, like blood tests, or dentist appointments, or running into someone you'd rather not see, but what you can control is how you react to these things and others, and how you deal with these feelings. I don't try these myself but a lot of people say meditation and yoga helps soothe their mind into a calmer sense overall which in turn helps being calm about other situations.

Breathing Techniques and Mindfulness 

I've mentioned mindfulness and wise mind a lot in my BPD blog post which you can read here and plan on doing a full blog post based on it, but learning mindfulness and breathing techniques that help you can really help with anxiety, I learnt some skills on my CBT and DBT therapy meetings and try to put them into practice to help my anxiety. One example is to get somewhere quiet and safe, and either get someone to relay a relaxation story to you or do it yourself, one of them I was taught is to imagine yourself slowly wading into water, taking in your environment slowly, thinking about what you can smell, taste, feel, hear and see as you wade further in until you're fully submerged, then when you're ready, slowly walk back out of the water and return as normal. There are plenty of these stories you can find online or on youtube and I totally recommend them! They really help me to calm down when I need it.

Take Some Time

If you're feeling anxious or on edge, take some time to debrief and start again. I like to do as I said above and take myself outside for 5-10 minutes, do some of my breathing techniques and see if I can start again, but other things you can do are grab a cuppa, feel the warm sense of the tea in your hands and the smell and taste, do mindfulness with the tea! Sometimes all you need is a good nap to take some time to yourself and rest. I also like to keep myself busy if resting isn't helping, by doing my bullet journal and being creative. 

Let me know in the comments your tips on coping with anxiety! 

Meg x

The Lifelong Recovery of Anorexia

I recently wrote a post focusing on body image and my childhood eating disorder, (which you can catch up on here) and often I find my mind wandering to those days, but recently I've been reading Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton, which feautres a chapter on her struggles with disordered eating and I found myself sobbing, remembering my own struggles and how often they pop into my head. 

I developed anorexia when I was 11/12 years old, barely into secondary school and found myself at my lowest ebb, starving myself and self-harming to deal with the thoughts I was dealing with. I would count my calories that I'd consumed throughout the day and figure out how much time I'd need to spend on the exercise bike we had at home to work them off and finally be thin enough to be beautiful. But you see that would never happen, because I would never be thin enough, be pretty enough, be worthy enough in my eyes. 

" I started going to mental health services when my mum saw my self-harm scars one morning before school and they diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa,  a serious mental illness and eating disorder where someone who is a healthy weight or underweight  thinks they are much fatter than they are and stops eating or reduces food intake to lose weight. Anorexia can affect anyone of any age or gender, and often have a very distorted view of their appearance, seeing themselves as much bigger than they really are and have a deep fear of gaining weight. You don't necessarily have to be skin and bones and the usual picture of someone with anorexia to be struggling, this can be an internal battle with food in your mind that gets your diagnosis. "

But I did recover, I started eating again and gained weight. My body has been ever changing throughout my teens, with anorexia, which caused my delayed puberty, and then weight gain and natural fluctuations of my weight over the years. But it hasn't been easy. Recovery isn't linear and it isn't easy either, still to this day when I look in the mirror I'm thrown back all those years to the days where I'd hurt myself because of who I saw looking back at me, and the hatred and loathing I felt towards my own growing body. 

Now, I eat regularly, I treat myself to food I enjoy, I go to the gym and work out, but I still don't love the way I look, I still look in the mirror and think about how small I used to be and think "would it be so bad to go bad to that? Was I really that ill?", obviously I realise later how ill I was at 5/6 stone, now I'm 13/14st and am so much healthier, I don't love my body, but I don't hate it either. My body has helped me get to where I am today, my body is covered in the scars of my past, but is also covered in beautiful tattoos, and the skin and bones that keeps me going. 

Recovery from an eating disorder isn't simple or easy, and it stays with you or a long time, sometimes forever, that niggling voice in the back of your mind, reminding yourself of what and who you were, but you can fight it, and you can recover and learn to accept yourself for who you are. 

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Meg x 

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13 Positives of Having Borderline Personality Disorder

So my last post on the '15 'embarrassing' symptoms of BPD' went down extremely well as my most popular post to date, and thought I'd do a spin on that continuing with BPD awareness month and have a look at 13 positive traits of people with BPD. There are always going to be stigmas and misconceptions around any mental illness, BPD especially, so I like to remind myself of these positive aspects when I'm feeling particularly down about it.

1. Empathy

This is one that made the bad list, but I wanted to also mention it here. We may be so empathetic that it physcially hurts us, but that also means we understand people's pain, we truly feel it for you meaning when we say we understand, we mean it. We understand people's sorrows no matter how small and feel their pain with them.

2. Loving

Because we have such intense emotions and feelings, when we love someone, we love them HARD, this does have have it's negative connotations of obsessive and clingy, but we when we love you, we mean it. We would do anything for our loved ones and really would go to the end of the earth for someone if they needed it from us.

3. Extreme highs

With extreme emotions comes extreme mood swings, these can be difficult to deal with but it also means when we are on a high we are elated, we feel everything rushing through our veins and truly do feel the happiest possible. We try and do everything we can in this time, and think we can do more than we are able but god loves a trier!

4. Creative

With a lot of mental illness comes creativity, hence why art therapies are so popular and important. Idle minds are not good for BPD and so a lot of us tend to be very arty and creative, a lot of people I know with BPD are fantastic at creative outlets like sewing, knitting etc. Personally my creative outlet is my bullet journal, I use it when I'm sad or happy to forget about how I feel and just enjoy doodling and creating something that's truly mine.

5. Compassionate 

Because a lot of us have felt a lot of pain in our lives, we want nothing but to help others and are very compassionate. A lot of us take on careers where we can help others, I myself am in support work for people with mental health issues, and know many people with BPD who do similar care careers.

6. Easily Excited

With BPD comes our extreme emotions and so we can find ourselves in an almost child-like state when it comes to excitement, being filled with happiness and joy is such an experience for us that we feel it a lot stronger than other people, and we are infectiously excited about things, even it's for someone else.

7. Relate easily

We feel a lot of emotions in ourselves, and therefore we can relate to nearly every emotion and every situation because chances are, we've felt it. We feel so much that we can relate to any problem and able to put ourselves in other people's shoes and see the problems.

8. Passionate

When we decide to take on something, we can easily become obsessed, and this transpires into great passion about a new hobby or task to complete. I recently have had an obsession with my bullet journal and doodling in it and filling it in with nice pages, and I am passionate about it looking it's best and looking after it. We are also passionate about other people's ventures, we believe and see the best in the people we love and are passionate about what they and we do

9. Loyal

When we love someone, we love them hard. We are very loyal both in relationships with romantic partners and friends, we would never want to hurt anyone and can again become almost obsessed with people, meaning we are very loyal friends and would never leave your side.

10. Aware

With BPD tends to come a lot of self-awareness, both of people/things around us and of ourselves. We can sense when an atmosphere is off or if someone is feeling something odd in a group. We can know instantly when something or someone is wrong or not feeling right, it's almost like a tangible feeling inside. We also can be very aware and very logical thinking, and able to think through situations to find a conclusion by taking in every aspect around us.

11. Spontaneous

I was going to use the word impulsive for this one, but this actually made the 15 Embarrassing Traits post so I thought to see the good I'd go for spontaneous. When we are on a high and sometimes even on a low we tend to use our impulses to go for things, sometimes this can be negative but my impulses are also positive ones, I pick up a new hobby I've always wanted to try, or I dye my hair or get a nice new tattoo, we live in the moment of our high moods and act upon them.

12. Relatable

Because we have been hurt so much in the past and experienced so much pain, we can relate to nearly every situation for someone else, and also can put ourselves in their shoes easily and are very good at reassurance. People can easily relate to us as we make ourselves that way.

13. Resilient

Another reason we have experienced so much pain, we are resilient and know better times can come. BPD causes a lot of major mood swings meaning we go up and down very quickly and very often, so we know it gets better and have often endured extreme pain and suffering too.

I hope you guys enjoyed this more positive post on BPD, if you have any other positives to add please leave me a comment below!

Meg x

My Identity

Many people without BPD feel identity loss and issues, but a core symptom of BPD is a lack of an identity and ensuing identity crises. A good sense of identity is knowing who you are and where you belong in the world, knowing your place so to speak. A stable identity is understanding you can change and you still remain the same person deep down, and is made up of your beliefs, opinions, personality and who you are as a person.

So someone with BPD may struggle to have a stable sense of self, they may struggle to understand who they are and this often leads to clinging to our labels to understand ourselves, putting ourselves into little boxes to understand who we are.

As a kid I always wanted to be a writer. I wanted to own a big country farm house, have a stable family life and tend to animals on my farm, I wanted the perfect life and the perfect career and basically become the next Jacqueline Wilson. This then changed a lot, and landed on tattooist. I read everything about tattoos, I watched shows about tattoos, I researched and drew tattoos, everything I was was surrounded in this sense of self of who I wanted to be. This cycle kept going on for a while, nurse, mental health nurse, therapist, and onto smaller things like being a girlfriend, a good friend, a good daughter.

We put ourselves in boxes labelled to help us feel, help stable ourselves out on even ground. As a kid with an eating disorder I put myself in the box labelled 'anorexic', everything I did was surrounded by my eating disorder, I read about them, I read books about people with anorexia, everything I did was to lose weight and be the thinnest, that was who I was. Then I recovered, and I had a period of recovery where I felt very lost, I was no longer the thinnest, I wasn't the illest, I was fine. Until I picked back up a blade to feel myself again, I had to feel something and feel like someone again, so I went back into my mentally ill ways. Then I was put into the box 'depressed'.

Currently, I've put myself in many boxes, picking out the personality from each box and deciding what costume to wear that day. Am I girlfriend Meg? The happy, upbeat and in love version of myself? Or am I best friend Meg, am I the funny, witty , sarcastic Meg who tries to make people laugh and fit in? Or am I depressed Meg? The Meg that can't get out of bed today, and mopes around waiting for someone to fix me?

Getting my diagnosis of BPD helped me find a sense of self, helped me to understand I'm not crazy, i'm not losing my mind, I have a condition and the symptoms that come along with it. I am Meg with BPD, I am Meg who people don't see, the one who experiences melt downs, depressed days, but I'm also Meg who is a daughter, sister, auntie, girlfriend and friend, the witty, sarcastic Meg that I let people see.

Finding my identity has been hard, and will continue to be hard for a long time I imagine, I have times where I feel like I have a stable sense of self, and then I'm on my own and I think, who am I? Who would I be without my condition? Who would I be if I didn't take medication? There are so many versions of myself that already exist and yet I struggle to understand what would it be like if there were even more. Still now when I'm not around my friends or my boyfriend I sit and become sad and think who am I without the people around me?

You see, with BPD, we are trying so hard to find ourselves, to understand what kind of person we are and want to be, that we become the people around us. We take on their personalities, their humour and their jokes, even their lingo and make it ours to feel as though we know who we are, when in fact we are clutching at other people's identities trying to mould it into our own.

But this can also be a good thing, it mean we can be a chameleon of sorts, we can mould and change ourselves into the people around us to fit in, we always have conversations starters ready, and we know how to make other people feel comfortable by becoming them. It also means we have many opinions and beliefs and so many personalities and different personas to take on, we are filled with opportunities to take because of how different and flexible we can be, we can fit and mould into anything we want.

It's hard, and it doesn't make a lot of sense but there are good parts to this illness, and this is what I want to focus on too as part of this blog, because god is it hard. A lot of people who also have BPD have told me they read this blog and so I just want to tell you all, you're not alone!  I hope this little ramble made sense and was at least an interesting read, as I'm having a bit of a down moment and thought I'd take to my blog to get it all out.

As usual, like, comment and share and let me know your thoughts below!

Meg x

useful links:

1/ BPD and Identity Issues

2/ BPD and Identity - the hardest to explain

3/ 15 'embarrassing' symptoms of BPD

4/ BPD Awareness Month

15 'Embarrassing' Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder

I talk about my experience with BPD a lot on here, and I follow a lot of fellow BPD sufferers on twitter, who talk about the symptoms very openly on their social medias which spurred me to write this post on 'embarrassing' symptoms that aren't talked about. There are the main 9 symptoms that are well known on BPD, but alongside those come a lot of other things that can be hard to talk about or open up about, so I thought I'd share some for you guys. It's also still Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month so thought I'd share a few more BPD posts with you guys to support it. (Here is my first post for awareness month!)

1. Feelings With Sex and Rejection

With BPD comes impulsiveness, and with impulsiveness comes promiscuity, and in many cases (mine included) sex is something used to feel self-worth and in control of your life. When someone says no to having sex with you, this can feel like the biggest rejection of them all, you are therefore worthless and filled with self-loathing. Many women with BPD face the stigma of being hyper sexual, as some of can become sex obsessed and need to be intimate with someone a lot of the time to feel. 

2. Random Disassociation 

Another embarrassing trait is disassociation, especially when it happens randomly. You could be sat amongst friends, sat in a meeting, with family etc and then suddenly feel yourself disappear and become numb and feel as though you aren't real. Disassociation can be scary at first and especially when it comes and goes in random bouts, but it will always end.

3.Paranoia With Friendships

With BPD comes paranoia, especially around our loved ones. I find myself asking my friends "am I annoying you?" "am I bothering you?" frequently in panic that I am annoying everyone I speak to and my friends don't really love me and are just putting up with me. It can be extremely frustrating when you are having these paranoid thoughts and can also I imagine be frustrating for the other person but reassuring someone with BPD regularly is always important and useful. 

4. Flaking On Plans

This is one for all mental illnesses, but often you can make plans with someone when on a high or a good day and then when it comes around you may have come onto a low and suddenly not be able to make the plans and having to cancel last minute to recuperate and spend time alone, which is perfectly acceptable but you can feel intense guilt for cancelling as much as you can't help it.

5. Impulsiveness

Impulse control is something that doesn't come easily to people with BPD, when we're on a high or a low we can use our impulses to try and cover our emotions and make questionable decisions, such as promiscuity as mentioned before, drug or alcohol abuse or gambling. Personally mine was a little less dangerous, shopping. I would shop online whenever I felt sad and spent all my money on makeup and clothes I didn't need and feel more sad when they arrived and It didn't make me happy.  

6. Obsessive Behaviours

When we like something, we tend to obsess over them. This is another symptom that can mean people with BPD often get misread as on the autistic spectrum, we become obsessed with objects or individuals or anything very easily for a long time. For example growing up (and the same time I came out as bisexual as it happens) I was obsessed with the model Cara Delevigne, I had posters on my wall, she was all of my background pictures, and all I spoke about. For a long time and currently it is cacti and plants, I have everything cacti themed in my room and always buy them. At the minute I'm also having an obsession with mental health, I research it for blog posts obviously but I love reading about it, talking about it etc. It really can be anything that you become obsessed with. 

7. Centre Of Attention

Sometimes we may want to do everything to shy away from attention and hide, and other times we can accidentally make ourselves the centre of the conversation, we don't always mean to do this as an attention thing, but sometimes we are trying so hard to fit in and be part of the conversation that we accidentally one-up people in conversation, it can be difficult and cause us later embarrassment and cringe but it's accidental. 

8. Over sharing 

Over-sharing is another 'trying to fit in' symptom of BPD, we try so hard to make conversation and fit in and be 'normal' that we tend to accidentally over-share and get a bout of word vomit. Then once you've started over sharing and realised you've done it, you do it more to cover it up and get stuck in a vicious cycle. This can also happen in the form of over-texting someone, we get so wound up that someone is ignoring us and hates us and is fed up of us we try and take it back what we've said by keeping on texting. It's pretty annoying for us too.

9. Rejection

We do NOT take rejection well. This is one of my most embarrassing traits, I can't take rejection in any form. I once got rejected for a job after an interview before my diagnosis and spent 24 hours in a depressed slump sobbing profusely into my pillow about not being good enough, not being wanted and being overall worthless - drama queenz. This can come in terms of any rejection, from a partner not wanting to have sex with you, from someone being too busy to see you, from someone not putting a 'x' on the end of a text when you put one, all sorts of stuff can feel like a deep personal rejection. This can also then lead to being 'clingy' and needing more attention, and you get stuck in a cycle again, when my boyfriend isn't at mine or near me (we live in different cities) and he's say too busy for a phone call, I can end up feeling deeply rejected and end up over messaging him and get stuck in this cycle and he has to tell me I'm being overly needy to remind me. 

10. Explosive Anger

A lot of people with BPD think that they have anger issues before getting a diagnosis, myself included. We get told we have anger problems that need to be helped, and I have been called 'volatile' by many professionals, because of my easily tipped anger. It could be the simplest things on a bad day, I've told my mum to fuck off just for having left her coat on the stairs before - I am the worst person to be around on a bad day seriously. We can turn into very different people when angry, and be unrecognizable, I've had episodes where I've sworn and shouted at loved ones and not even remember what I said because it's come from a deep anger side of me inside. This can fill us with great shame and embarrassment and be very painful to deal with. Even when I'm sat on my own sometimes I get randomly filled with anger and have to let out a scream or throw a pillow or do something therapeutic.

11. Numbness/ Lack of empathy

Now this is going to contradict with my next symptom, but sometimes we are so filled with overwhelming emotions that we turn numb and suddenly lose our empathetic ways. My mum used to say I could be so cold hearted, and this was usually when I had a sad/bad day and I don't want to talk or be around other people, I can seem incredibly cold and mean spirited and say I don't care about anything when in reality my brain is already so full it could burst and I just can't take anymore in m head.

12. Overly Empathetic

Like I said, although we can go numb and empty, a lot of the time we are extremely empathetic. It's a common stigma that we are unlovable and can't love others, when in reality we feel everything for people. We are often 'empaths' which means having the ability to perceive and feel the mental state of someone else. Often this can happen to me when I'm just reading a book, I recently read a book about a girl with deep mental health issues and all I would do when I read about her struggling was sit and cry, I could feel her pain deep within me and just resorted me to tears every time. This can also happen with films, other peoples pain and everything in-between, when other people are sad I find it difficult to soothe them as I can always feel their pain and end up getting upset myself.

13. Not Taking Care Of Yourself

This is something that comes often with depression, but on down days, it can be hard to do the little things like getting out of bed, getting a shower, brushing your teeth. These things can be easily forgotten about when you're feeling depressed and you end up just sitting there in your filth moping about. It can be embarrassing when someone tries to help or visit you when you haven't washed in 3 days from being in a depressed duvet burrito.

14. No Identity

One thing we with BPD can find most embarrassing is our lack of identity, I want to write a full post explaining this but put simply, we don't often know who we are and can find ourselves taking our identity upon the people we are around, so a funnier, happier, perkier kind of person around the people we spend time with, this can also come from taking upon their personas too and almost becoming them to feel at one.

15. Overly Sensitive 

Another worst trait of mine and one I find most embarrassing is how sensitive I am, a lot of this comes from my empath side, When I feel someone else's sadness this can make me incredibly sad myself and I end up crying for them. If I am ever shouted at or given any sort of constructive criticism I will no doubt start crying, it is impossible to ever tell me off or tell me something you don't like that I've done without me crying, I am basically a faucet most of times waiting to blow. It could be something so silly as seeing an advert for starving kids and If I'm feeling particularly sensitive that day I'll just bawl my eyes out.

Hope anyone else with BPD has been able to relate and anyone else has learnt something new about BPD and how we work and the sad things we get up to. As usual leave any comments below and like and share!

Meg x 

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek 2019 'Body Image' - My Eating Disorder & Body Image

Body image is how you see and feel about yourself when you look in the mirror. Do you have a positive body image? See them for what they really are? Do you feel confident and comfortable in your own skin? Or do you have a negative body image, looking in the mirror do you feel anxious, self-conscious, loathing? 

This week is mental health awareness week, and this years theme is 'body image', so to be fitting I thought I'd write about my experience with my body image, and my up and down relationship with my own as well as my experience with an eating disorder. 

The Mental Health Foundation stated that 30% of adults have felt stressed by their body image and appearance to the point of being unable to cope, meaning almost a third of adults have faced issues with their appearance and how they look. But body issues can affect a lot of people of all ages and have a serious impact on their mental health. 

Then

As a kid I was always skinny, always lanky and a bit odd - check the questionable fashion choices above. When I was 11/12 I started to self harm, I had a very negative body image and hated the way I looked. I would look in the mirror and hate who I was, I thought I was morbidly overweight (I was around 8/9 stone) and saw myself as so whenever I looked at myself. 

I started to throw away my lunches at school, not finishing my dinner at home or blank refusing to eat. I would sit at my desk at school and work out how long I should need to work out when I got home to work off the food I had eaten that day. I skipped meals, hid in the library at lunch time so I didn't have to eat and gradually got skinnier and skinnier until I was around 5/6 stone and incredibly slim. I felt faint and sick and ignored every pang of hunger I felt crying myself to sleep. 

I started going to mental health services when my mum saw my self-harm scars one morning before school and they diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa,  a serious mental illness and eating disorder where someone who is a healthy weight or underweight  thinks they are much fatter than they are and stops eating or reduces food intake to lose weight. Anorexia can affect anyone of any age or gender, and often have a very distorted view of their appearance, seeing themselves as much bigger than they really are and have a deep fear of gaining weight. You don't necessarily have to be skin and bones and the usual picture of someone with anorexia to be struggling, this can be an internal battle with food in your mind that gets your diagnosis. 

 I was incredibly unwell and was told at one session if I lost anymore weight I would be hospitalised. Luckily I started eating small amounts and started my road to recovery after that and didn't need to, but it was a close call. Sadly we lost our Uncle John to suicide in 2012 and this spurred my mental health recovery in his memory. 

I had an incredibly bad relationship with my body and food, and would snack exclusively on random foods like crab sticks, cheese slices or digestive biscuits, and then work off the calories I had eaten on an exercise machine or my wii fit (throwback) at home. I was convinced I was obese, and in need to lose weight, and would refuse to listen to anyone who said otherwise. But after losing my uncle, I decided it was time to change and started to slowly gain weight and eventually, I recovered. But many others don't, anorexia is the mental illness with the highest mortality rate, with nearly 20% of sufferers not surviving, and of those survivors, only 50% truly recover. So I consider myself a very lucky survivor of anorexia. 

And Now 

And now, 9 years later, I am fully recovered for many years and consider myself to have a very healthy relationship with food, I even gained a relationship gut and had to join slimming world to get myself back to a healthy weight. Even though I am recovered, the thoughts will always stay with you, still now when I try and lose a few pounds I have to fight the thoughts that I am worthless if I'm not skinny, and that I have a good figure and am happy with how I look.

I think it's pretty rare these days with social media for people, both men and women, to say they are 100% comfortable with their body, there are so many ways to see images of people with amazing bodies, most of the time they are photoshopped and not even real, or the person knows just how to use angles and lighting to make them look slimmer and more toned than they are. So I won't lie and say I love my body because a lot of the time, I still hate how I look.

I find it just as hard as the next person to see the difference in someone who has the money and time to have these 'perfect' bodies on instagram/magazines and having an average sized body and liking what you see in the mirror. I don't have a distorted view of my body as I used to, sure I look in the mirror and I've had times where I've been upset by my weight, but I would never starve myself anymore. Now, I cut out the junk food and hit the gym, a healthy way of dealing with your weight.

What I'm getting to, is no one is perfect, not even these people you see plastered on the runway, on the cover of magazines and on instagram, these people aren't your average joe, they have professionals to help them look and take photos as well as they do. It's normal to feel as though you could look better, but rather than wallowing in it, hit the gym, try eating healthier meals and snacking less, do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. OR, eat what you want and don't hit the gym, all that matters is that you are happy and confident in yourself no matter how you look.

We only have one body and one skin, so it's about time we learned to love them right?

Meg x

Useful links:

1. What is Anorexia?
2. Body Image and Eating Disorders 

How To Help Someone... With Depression

Depression is one of the most common illnesses and mental illnesses of them all, and is thought to affect 15% of people or 300 million people in their lifetime. Depression and suicide is the second biggest cause of death in people aged 15-29 and almost 50% of people with depression will also suffer from an anxiety disorder. 

Depression is categorised as a mental illness causing low mood, low self esteem, worthlessness and emptiness and can be as serious as to result in suicide. It is extremely common in all ages but is especially seen in women and the most common age group to suffer is 18-25. Depression is seen from mild cases to severe cases, and it is possible to be high-functioning and suffer from bouts of depression just as it is possible to be near dibilated by depression and unable to move, get out of the house or do anything.

Symptoms of depression

There are a lot of way depression can present itself, but the main symptoms are;

• chronic low mood and sadness
• feelings of hopelessness 
• low self esteem and self-worth 
• tearful 
• bouts of irritability 
• lack of motivation to do things
• lack of energy/feeling lethargic
• no longer finding enjoyment in life or the things in it
• feeling anxious or worried a lot
• suicidal thoughts or self-harming 
• changes in appetite - eating too much (binge eating) or unexpected weight loss
• low sex drive
• disturbed sleeping pattern/insomnia

There are also numerous social symptoms of depression such as;

• neglecting hobbies and interests
• lack of interest in seeing friends, avoiding contact
• struggling to cope at work with pressure and lack of interest
• arguing with loved ones - irritability 
• finding home and work life difficult all of a sudden

Support Them To Get Help

Not everyone is ready for help or to ask for it, but try and support your loved ones that when they are ready, help is out there. The first step is going to see your GP and telling someone they are struggling and reaching out for the help they need to get better, or if they are feeling so depressed they are feeling suicidal and have told you they are, support them to contact your local crisis team, usually found in your a&e. Every GP practice area is different but in mine, they support you by giving you a leaflet, you call up the number and arrange to go to group therapy or individual therapies depending on your needs and are assessed from there. 

Professional help isn't the only help out there of course, the support of loved ones is the most important type of help out there for people suffering with depression, knowing you are loved and worth something by people around you can make the world of difference. Talk, listen, and be there for them.

A little quote - kindly supplied by my friend Tom x

How To Support Them

The easiest thing to support someone with depression is to listen to them, make sure they know you're there for them and there to listen when they need someone, sometimes all you need in times of despair is an ear, someone to listen to your worries, to hold you whilst you cry, just someone there to know you're not alone.

Sometimes all it takes to support a loved one is to send a text, just to check in and see how they are feeling, something so simple can mean the world to someone struggling. People struggling with depression can often feel very alone and isolate themselves away from people, so make sure you are reaching out to them and don't take it personal if they don't want to talk right now, but keep asking.

Opening up about depression can be difficult but is so important on how to help someone, supporting someone by talking to them, about anything and everything and knowing the opportunity to talk about their feelings is always there can help someone to ease up and open up to you to offload. Keep talking, until you can help them make sense of it all. Opening up about your own feelings can also encourage a conversation on how they are feeling.

Encourage them to keep up with activities, getting out of the house and out of bed, showering, eating well etc. This might sound simple and trivial but I've seen it for myself and done it myself where I've been struggling so hard with my depression that I need dragging out of bed and into a bath and reminded to eat and drink throughout the day as sometimes these things just aren't of importance to you when you're struggling. Getting out of the house even to just take a walk to the shop or round the block can clear your head and get a fresh mind.

It's important to not judge or be critical whilst someone is struggling, when you are feeling depressed the littlest of things can set you off, so try not to be critical of their struggles and what they talk about when they are opening up to you.

Urgent Help

If you are worried about someone who is having suicidal thoughts, urge them to contact their GP, even offer to go with them to get help. 

If they are wanting to talk but not to someone they know, urge them to contact the samaritans, a free charity service who make sure there is always someone to talk to over the phone or via text and provide a listening ear. 

If you are urgently worried about someone, take them to your nearest A&E to speak to your crisis team and get immediate help or in an emergency contact 999. 

I hope this post comes of some use to people, and any advice you have that I haven't mentioned feel free to leave in the comments for others! 

Meg x

Useful Links

1. Depression statistics 

2. NHS depression website

3. MIND depression website 

MAY - Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

So May is not only Mental Health awareness month, but is also Borderline Personality Disorder awareness month too, so happens to be a perfect time to do a big old BPD guide/awareness/info/ramble post. I'll pop in some infographics on BPD as well as my own writing and knowledge for you guys. Hope you enjoy and, grab a cuppa!

What Is BPD?

Borderline personality disorder is a PD characterised by intense mood swings and an inability to regulate emotions alongside 8 other main characteristics, only 5 of which you need for an official diagnosis. BPD is more commonly diagnosed in women, as men tend to be misdiagnosed with depression or antisocial personality disorder depending on how they portray their symptoms. People with BPD are often diagnosed with depression and anxiety or another personality disorder alongside BPD. It is believed that between 1 and 2% of people have BPD. There is also scientific proof to back up BPD, being that someone with the condition has a smaller amyglada and hippocamous, and their pre frontal cortex is also less active, meaning we cannot regulate our emotions the way a 'normal' person can.

Symptoms of BPD

There are 9 main characteristics of BPD, and as previously said, you only need 5 for a diagnosis, this can be any combination of the 9 so everyone with BPD deals with their condition differently and has main struggles, you can also suffer from all 9 like myself, or any combination of 5 or more symptoms. 

• The first symptom is FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, a chronic fear that people will leave you and this pushes you to do anything to keep people around and can come across as 'clingy

• EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION so you struggle to keep your emotions from swinging one way to the other very quickly and can be very painfully, you may go from extreme anger to extreme happiness to extreme sadness all in a matter of minutes

• Having frequent IDENTITY CRISIS' and changing who you are to try and figure out who you are in the world,changing your appearance or way you are around people to fit in or feel comfortable. You do not have a strong sense of being or identity

• Having RELATIONSHIP TROUBLES with friends, romantic partners, family etc. Struggling to keep and maintain relationships due to fear of abandonment and fear that ot will all go wrong instantly leaving you alone and sad again

• Feelings of CHRONIC EMPTINESS, meaning you are either very high, very low or feeling empty and numb, not knowing how to cope with this can lead to;

• IMPULSIVITY, coping with problems by acting out on impulses, for example, dyeing your hair, gambling, promiscuity, spending money you don't have etc 

• Also coping by using SELF-HARM or having suicidal thoughts to escape the pain from coping

• Random BOUTS OF ANGER that emit like a fiery rage out of nowhere

• PARANOIA OR DISASSOCIATION 

Stigmas of BPD

As with any mental illness, there tends to be a lot of untrue stigmas and statements surrounding BPD. Some say we are untreatable, when there are multiple treatments for BPD including DBT and CBT.

 It is also said we are manipulative, attention seeking and selfish, when in actual fact, we are so filled with emotions that we can be the most loving, empathetic and compassionate individuals when it comes to other people and their emotions. At times what may come across as attention seeking is a cry for help, we are not often good at communicating our emotions and feelings and this may come through in a negative way when we are really saying we need help right now. When people say we are manipulative, what this usually means is that we are misunderstood in how we react to things, we aren't purposefully trying to change your words or mix up what you're saying to suit us, that is what we actually are hearing and are coping with in our minds, for example when someone says "I don't want to talk right now" what that comes across to us is "I hate you and don't ever want to speak to you", this my seem dramatic, but this is how we feel and how we take words. 

Another stigma is that people with BPD are unloveable, and this is something that we also feel in ourselves but is simply not true. We may be harder to understand but with communication and empathy, we are just as loveable as anyone else, if not just a little bit high maintenance, (I may be speaking for myself there). 

BPD Thoughts VS 'Normal' Thoughts

BPD thoughts are very different to someone else, so when we say "you don't understand" we truly mean it. Where a 'normal' person will be able to think rationally, think logically and put these together to see the good the bad and the mid in everything, someone with BPD will only see the good or bad and will only think with our emotions. We are very literal (this sometimes means our symptoms come across as being part of the autistic spectrum) and see the world in black and white, or people are inherently good or bad. This can also lead to something called 'splitting', where if someone does one thing that upsets us or is negative, they go from being a good person to a bad person instantly, they go from an 'always' to a 'never' and we cannot see the good in that person anymore, only the negatives. 

BPD can also mean we are very paranoid and think we are in danger or under threat from the people around us. We can also experience something calling 'disassociation' where someone will feel numb and separate from reality and our own bodies. 

BPD Triggers 

As with any illness, there are a lot of triggers, and a lot of them can be the tiniest things that trigger us into a depression or low mood. Personally my paranoia and abandonment issues tend to flare when someone seems off with me over text, this could be from reading a message and not replying, to not putting a 'x' on the end or anything that seems 'blunt' in our minds - again a black and white thinking does not help this! We may seem paranoid, or over the top but that's just what it's like living with BPD. Any of these triggers can make me suddenly down and sad and wondering what I've done wrong, questioning everything I've said and wanting to apologise for everything I've ever done and take it all back instantly and make everything okay again, so I tend to curl up in my duvet and go to sleep and hope it goes away by the time I wake up.

This can make friendships incredibly difficult as I constantly think my friends don't like me, that they are talking about me behind my back, that me being their friend is just an inside joke etc, it makes me extremely paranoid and anxious and it is horrific, it's one of the worst parts because I worry so much about everything I say and do. 

The meme I've posted above is one of my favourites purely for the last line of 'being alive' as it is so true, literally everything in life triggers us with BPD and can make our bad days a living hell, so please be kind to your pals with BPD, be enthusiastic with them, try not to change your tone or how you speak over text to them and check in with them make sure they are okay and not feeling particularly vulnerable that day. But also, and importantly, don;t think you have to walk on eggshells, we can still find the humour in how bad we can get and particularly in myself to cope I like to take the piss and this helps me rationalise my emotions and feelings. 

Aaaaaaaannnnddd we're done. I hope this post was useful to some people in raising awareness, giving those with BPD  a laugh at how relatable or just being an interesting post to read. As always leave any comments below and I'll get back to you.

Meg x 

Instagram / Twitter 

The Truth About Mental Illness - The Side Effects Behind Closed Doors

Often, you come across people who are ignorant to mental health, and mental illnesses, and I always say that I'm happy, genuinely happy, that some people have never experienced such problems and so can't understand them. Sadly, not a lot of people have that luxury of blissful ignorance.

Many people with physical illnesses and chronic illnesses tend to get a mental illness on top of their problems as a side effect, and some people with mental illnesses also experience physical illness symptoms as side effects This is something that people don't see from the outside, mental illness is invisible and it's important we remember we need to be there for those who aren't as upfront about their illnesses as some.

IBS and Stomach Illnesses

One condition common amongst those with mental illness and one I suffer with myself, is IBS and other stomach upsets. This is where the stomach is affected by the stimulation, normally from anxiety, stress etc. IBS is a chronic condition that needs treatment and sometimes medication to settle, and causes a lot of upset, such as diarrhea, constipation, painful bloating, stomach pains and nauseousness. Personally, my IBS is triggered a lot by my anxiety, when I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed I can have a very upset stomach and this can be a very painful experience, my stomach hurts, I get bloated which can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful and struggle in the toilet area. 

Health Anxiety

Mental illness can also cause something caused health anxiety, or often referred to as hyperchondriasis. This is a common form of anxiety that causes you to spiral into paranoia that you are seriously unwell. For example, for years I've had headaches, and every time I've had a bad bout of them, I'm convinced I have a brain tumour, that is cancerous, and I have days to live. This is an extreme jump to conclusions, but this is the life of someone with health anxiety, these possible outcomes of nasty cancers and lifelong conditions from googling are very real and cause very real pain. Someone with health anxiety can feel any mild pain or complaint, take to google and spiral themselves into the conclusion that they have cancer, diabetes, heart failure, anything. It sounds extreme and it is, but it is also very real and difficult to deal with. 

Depression And Other Illnesses 

Depression is  a common side effect for a lot of illnesses such as cancer, HIV, heart disease, diabetes and many other conditions. This can follow from a recent diagnosis or triggered by medication, or just happen as it does. Research has suggested that having depression alongside a physical illness means you can quite often suffer quite severely, as you struggle to cope with day-to-day life with their physical illness. So when you know someone who is suffering with their diagnosis or coping with their physical illness, make sure to check in on how they are doing mentally. 

Lack of libido

Another side effect of depression and mental illness is a lack of libido, aka, no want for sex. This is common amongst people who suffer from depression, sometimes you just can't face it, and other times your medication can mean having sex or wanting sex near impossible. This can be difficult in relationships and make your partner feel unwanted, unattractive, so it's important if your partner has mental health difficulties to be mindful of them and finding sex a difficult task to deal with or want at the minute.

As usual, leave a comment below!

Meg x 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

One of the hardest parts of having BPD is maintaining and establishing relationships, be that with friends, colleagues, family or romantic partners. This is something I've always found difficult, so thought I'd share my experiences and advice I can share.

On the outside, I guess it must seem as though I'm pretty good at relationships and friendships and coping with this aspect, but close up I've had a few difficulties and find my own paranoia and anxiety can threaten my relationships with people and I have to reign myself in a lot. From age 16 to 20 I had a boyfriend, and now a year later I'm with someone else and am incredibly happy, I have a group of amazing friends and I get on with the majority of my family. But that doesn't mean that I can find maintaining these relationships incredibly difficult.

I want to focus on romantic relationships when I speak of relationships for this blog post, as I feel it's the one I struggle with the most. My first long term boyfriend I had as I was first diagnosed and started to cope with it and cope with life so this made my relationship incredibly rocky for a while and ultimately became the end of us.

' Favourite Person'

People with BPD often become very overly attached to certain people, and rely on them for a lot, they can also become their 'FP' or 'favourite person' (there are a lot of interesting articles on this to google, one being this '5 Things to Know about being the favourite person of someone with BPD'),but what this essentially means is this someone (and there can be multiple) becomes someone you constantly rely on for reassurance, advice and guidance as well as approval for things you do and say. This isn't someone that you necessarily choose to be your favourite person, it just sort of happens as your attachment grows.

It doesn't mean you are attracted to that person necessarily either, it can be anyone you know that you suddenly rely on for a lot in life. There is very little that your FP can do wrong, you think the world of them and will always stand up for them, but when they are close to someone else this can spark intense jealousy and pain for the other person, even if it is unintentional and harmless in retrospect. Being someone's FP may seem like a daunting task, but it doesn't mean you have to do everything for someone, and you will very rarely know when you are someone's FP, nor will that person always know, it can be something that just happens and stays unnoticed. If you do know, then it's important to imput boundaries into the relationship, and understand what is acceptable on both sides and what to expect of the other person to avoid unhealthy reliance.

I've had multiple FP's over the years, my ex boyfriend was my first big one. I would rely on him for everything, the minute I felt anxious or started to have a panic attack I'd need him to come running for me, if he couldn't this would start a row and I'd shout and scream and tell him he didn't understand me. In retrospect this was a very unhealthy relationship on my part, I expected and needed too much that couldn't be asked for or given, don't get me wrong neither of us were perfect but this was a massive part of the end of us. I couldn't do anything without him for a long time, I needed his constant reassurance and approval for everything I did, and when I ultimately didn't get it this would cause me intense pain and cause intense rows that sparked my BPD anger and nastier side and it would be awful.

When we split I learnt to do things on my own again, and started to become a bit of a commitment phobe, I was terrified of ever relying on anyone like that again, terrified of the rows we used to have and going through that pain again. I saw people and dated, but I found an excuse to run away every time. The littlest of things when I went on a date or met up with someone I would use as my excuse to be single and free and not need anyone. I was convinced I could do it alone, I could cope alone and I'd never need anyone again.

Communication

Regardless of that, I found my current boyfriend and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. He helped me feel safe and to trust people and to more importantly, trust him. I still rely on my current boyfriend, and he has become my new FP alongside some other people in my life, but I know when I'm overstepping myself a lot more now with some help from his comments of "megan you're being needy". We live an hour apart from one another which isn't major, but to me when I'm having a bad day or just come home from seeing him it can feel like a million miles away. 

The best thing I've found is communication, it sounds so simple and maybe even daft to suggest, but talking to someone about your fears, anxieties and what you're thinking about can really take you out of your own head space and bring you from emotional BPD mind into wise and rational mind ( damned mindfullness group therapy wise mind bullshit is etched into my brain forever). I find that talking to my boyfriend, explaining when I'm feeling extra needy and why, or why I don't feel like talking or whatever is going on in my head, just getting all my whirring thoughts out can feel like lifting a burden off my shoulders but when it's to someone I love and someone who can help me rationalise what I'm thinking and tell me when I'm being daft has majorly changed me. 

For a long time I expected people to just know when I wasn't feeling right, to just know what to do and expected other people to take it away, telling someone how I'm feeling and what's going on really changes my outlook and getting someone who isn't as emotional (cough, unstable, cough) to talk through these things is a really good way of easing your mind.

Rationalizing and Wise Mind

As part of my DBT and mindfullness group therapy, we learnt about emotional and logical mind and pushing ourselves into wise mind when we are feeling emotional and not sure about decisions etc. What it essentially means is people with BPD are usually in emotional mind 24/7, using our feelings and strong emotions (and usually emotionally instability) to guide our decisions, usually by shouting, screaming and crying rather than tackling something, and in order to make good, wise decisions, we must use our emotions as well as our logical reasoning to find our 'wise mind' - yes I know, it sounds like utter bullshit but stay with me here okay.

So imagine you've had a row with your partner and he didn't respond to a text:

- emotional mind would causeimmediate panic and paranoia, start crying and thinking they are going to end your relationship because of your row and they don't actually accept your apology, they were just saying that and you mean nothing to them. (dramatic much? welcome to BPD brain)

- logical mind would think about the fight you had, realise you had a fight, see he hasn't replied and understand there is another step to take now and a decision to make about what to do

-wise mind would put these both together, realise that you are upset and you are worried about them being angry with you or wanting to leave you, and also realise that you have had an argument, and logically he may still be mad but may also be busy at work or not looked at their phone since your last reply, and decide to either send another message asking if everything is okay and you look forward to seeing them next, or leaving the text and waiting for their reply to gauge the situation again from there.

So what I'm saying is when you are having a fight or a disagreement and you want to initially fly off the handles and throw your whole weight of rage at them, stop, think about what has happened, what has been said and think rationally about the situation and what to do next. Realise that communicating and talking through this issue will be more beneficial than arguing and try that.

This is a skill that takes a long time of practicing to learn, and I can't say I'm perfect at it, I still find it difficult to be rational in the spur of the moment, but the times I do remember and I do put it into practice I can honestly say it has made me make wiser decisions and fly off the handle a lot less. It has also massively improved my relationship and caused a lot less rows than my previous. 

I hope this post is of some help to someone out there, if not just an interesting read on the shit show that is the BPD brain. As always leave comments below!

Meg x