January started off with a bang, on the 3rd me and some of my best mates set off to Amsterdam for a few nights and spent three days drinking fruity ciders, seeing the beautiful city of dam, and playing stupid card games in tiny pubs. It was the best trip and the first time I'd ever been away on holiday with just my friends, the anxiety was high but I was so proud of myself for doing it and checking somewhere off my bucket list at the same time. I would 10000% recommend going if you're thinking about it, it's such a beautiful city and so worth the trip. 

Then January got a bit rocky, we went out for my friends birthday and everything was going fine, as you can see from the above picture we were all happy and laughing and even surprised Katy that we were all there and ready to go to leadmill for a night out. Then the night went west, I got very drunk and had a misunderstanding with a friend, and with my drunkeness and highly swung emotional moods due to my BPD being a bit rocky, I had my first suicide attempt. Luckily I was surrounded by all my best friends who did everything they did to calm me down until the police came and escorted me to A&E, of course being the stubborn head I am I discharged myself and went home. I'd never felt so low in my life and didn't know what to do with myself. So the year had a bit of a rocky start to the first month, and I didn't have high hopes for the year ahead.

(although a few days after this I actually retook my driving theory test for the third time and passed, despite feeling like absolute shit I smashed the exam!)

Also January was the last time I self harmed, so it's now been a whole year self harm free! 

Then February came, and so did many, many nights out in Nottingham where two of my friends were living for their final year of university, and so lots of nights out in notts city centre drinking fancy fight club themed cocktails were consumed. I also went to my first ever gig with my friends to see my fav band Catfish and The Bottlemen. I was absolutely terrified, my anxiety was sky high, I'd never been to a real gig before and never experienced standing in a large crowd of people (other than seeing one direction when I was 15, loool) but it was amazing! Another achievement ticked off. 

Then on the 25th I took my second ever driving test... and PASSED! After what was probably well over 100 lessons, a 6 month break, 3 theory tests and a whole lot of melt downs I'd finally done what I thought was impossible and passed my test. I was thrilled! I also got my first ever car, Colin the Corsa. (RIP) 

It was also at this time that I started a relationship with a certain Manchester boy, and I was feeling a million times better than this time last month, everything was going my way and I was feeling positive, yet still unemployed...

March was a pretty uneventful month after the whirlwind of january and february, I spent most of my time driving to and from Manchester to see my boyfriend and inbetween that spending time with my ever growing niece Rosie, where does time go???

April was a busy month, two of our friends were currently working and living down Cornwall, and since we shared a birthday and we hadn't seen them for a few months, we all arranged to drive down to the coast and surprise him! It was the best trip, some of my best friends and my boyfriend all drove down and spent a few days in the cutest air BnB near Port Isaac, drinking rattler cider, going on beach day adventures and eating the best food, and playing a million and one darts tournaments too. I had some blips with my anxiety and one panic attack on the first night but on a whole I was feeling happy and confident and settled in myself. 

Then on the 19th, I turned 21! I had a house party surrounded by my boyfriend and my closest friends and had the best time. I felt truly happy and it was the best feeling ever.

During April I also had a psychologist appointment, which had.. more to be desired. I was basically told there was nothing they could offer my therapy wise and that there was nothing more my team could do for me so naturally, I told her to fuck off and got kicked out of the session. lol. I was feeling happy for the first time in a while but under the surface I still had my bad days and I still needed some help, I was finally ready to start therapy and to be told there was none was a huge kick in the teeth.

May

May was another boring month travelling to manchester and having my boyfriend visit me here. The weather was starting to pick up and so days out to the local lake with my munchkin were organised. 

Whilst out in manchester my boyfriend lived in the most beautiful little village, and I finally picked my camera back up after three long years and decided to get back into photography (hence the cute cow), this was pretty short lived but hey I gave it a go! 

I also had my third hair change of the year and went pastel pink, I was very much summer ready by may!

I was still unemployed by this point after finding out the job I quit my old job for were no longer taking me on because they "couldn't support me and my BPD" in the workplace, so I had applied elsewhere and been offered a job as a mental health support worker in psychiatric hospitals. I started my MAPA (restraint) training and I was so excited to be getting back into work soon after so long unemployed and most importantly, skint. 

June saw me consuming a lot of alcohol money permitting, and when it didn't , doing a lot of trips to and fro from sheffield with my mates in tow after a day sesh on the pop. I also started visiting the job centre at this point and admitting I needed help with finances and affording my car as well as life in general and got some help from the good old universal credit. I know a lot of people think that 'dole' is a dirty word and are ashamed to have needed to use it but personally, if you need it, take it, it's there to help! 

I'd been regularly seeing my psychiatrist by this point and she'd agreed that starting a round of anti-psychotics might be a good idea to trial again, and so I went through the motions to try that to try and lower my mood swings, lessen my impulsive thoughts and overall round me back out again. 

The end of June also saw the end of my relationship. I was heart broken, I lost a stone in weight from just not eating and not looking after myself and I was back to a broken shell of a human. But with a little help from my best friends I turned it back around and sorted myself out. Heart break really does suck but god time is a healer! 

Speaking of my best friends... I spent a lot of time getting drunk with them this month to ease the pain of my broken heart and ego, and I consumed possibly way too much pink gin. 

It was an exciting month in terms of my best friends, firstly one of my closest friends from an old job was having her hen-do! We went down to Birmingham, all got out treatments at a decade themed hairdressers and make-up place and got dolled up in our dresses (my polka dot dress wasn't very 50s appropriate but it was all I had!) and got absolutely trollied in Birmingham together, it was the best time and spending time with old work friends was a complete blast. 

Secondly, one of my best friends turned 21 and obviously we celebrated in style by consuming all the pink gin and getting absolutely off our faces, ending up in leadmill and me sleeping on my friends settee not knowing where I was and how I got there, a night well done I think. 

August came around and I finally started my new job! I was officially a mental health support worker in psychiatric hospitals and couldn't be happier! It's long hours 8am til 8:30pm but I was so happy to be back in work and doing something meaningful for other people.

Then Chloe's wedding came along! It was the nicest weekend in Guisborough celebrating Jack and Chloe's nuptials and though I spent it as one of the few single people there (cry for me) I also got to spend more time with my old work friends which was amazing, I'm so proud of my beautiful chicken and so honoured to have got to be there for the wedding.

September 

September was another boring month, a few nights out including bringing my sister along for the ride to meet my crazy friends and getting into my work schedule. I started picking up shifts at the CAMHS hospital and was loving it. I was struggling with getting into night shift routine but enjoying it none the less. 

October saw a rough patch with my mental health, it was mental health day 2019 and I couldn't even get myself out of bed that day to go to work, and had many days similar to that throughout the month. It wasn't the job, it's never been the job, but my BPD makes working very hard. I struggle with getting up some mornings, I just lay there and think "I really can't do this", and makes my life impossible. 

But most days I do get up, and I go out and see my friends and I go to work and I go and get new tattoos and things are fine! But the days that they aren't can be the worst days possible. 

Yes I did manage to go through three hair colours this month... I dyed it pink and hated it so let it wash out to a pinky blonde wash, and then finally settled on going back brown. It's boring and I miss the blonde so much but the pink just wasn't coming out! So now it's back to my brown roots and sorting my hair condition out. 

I also got a tiny rose tattoo behind my ear that I am in looove with, my family however are not. But I think it's pretty! I also took my Rosebud on a shopping trip this month, boy was that stressful, how do single mums cope with toddlers on their own??!!

Then it was Chloe's 21st, which meant going out and getting absolutely ratarsed with my favourite people ever, getting in at 3am from leadmill after drinking one too many vodka cokes and my sister classily throwing up outside her house... a good night done well.

December was a tough month. My mental health took a really big dip this month, I was suicidal and really struggling. My best friend Conor (pictured) spent most of the month looking after me or me looking after him, I couldn't have been without him or the rest of my best friends (too many to name but you all know who you are) this month by my side. 

Probably the first month I didn't go out anywhere, I made one attempt with conor to my mates christmas do, and we were both so anxious it ended up in him leaving and coming back to help me stop crying in the toilet having a panic attack. So went well really. 

Then came boxing day, and I made my second suicide attempt. I'd been feeling suicidal and depressed and missing a lot of work and that night I'd just had enough. Luckily the paramedics came over and told me I'd be okay, that my mental health team would contact me and left - they actually contacted me to say they wouldn't be seeing me and I'd have to wait for my psychologist appointment that I'd been waiting 6 months on the wait list for. My mental health team are pretty much the shittest place ever. 

And that's where my year in review comes to an end. It's been one of the hardest years of my entire life, but I'm here and I can say I did it. And if that's not something to be proud of I don't know what is. I've had good months and bad months, but I'm still here to keep on going, and I'm officially one year self harm free! I've had my heart broken, I've cried myself to sleep and I've had days where I've completely had enough, but I did it. And everyone reading this if you made it this far have made it too. Be proud of yourself and what you've accomplished and never forget them. 

Happy 2020 guys I hope it's a good en for all 

Meg xx