I wrote a post quite a while ago now on Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships, which I can't stand to read back as it involves me gushing about my ex, but I wrote about what it was like living with borderline personality disorder as well as being in a relationship. I wrote in my post The Stigma Of Boderline Personality Disorder that one of the stigmas of BPD was that we are unloveable and can't be in long term relationships which is completely untrue of course.

Of course we are loveable, just like the next person we can be good and bad at things and that includes relationships, but we are just as capable of communicating and changing and evolving. We can love very deeply and very emotionally, and this is where the stigma really comes from, is people dating us, not understanding our condition enough to be supportive or helpful, ending the relationship then labelling us as "psycho", "clingy and needy" and "difficult to be with".

One of the traits of BPD is emotional dyregulation, meaning we can feel incredible highs and lows and this can transition very quickly, one minute we can be ecstatically happy and hyper, the next we are feeling incredibly depressed and suicidal. Meaning we fling from emotion to emotion very quickly without warning. This can be completely exhausting for us, and also for those around us trying to play catch up with what triggered the first emotion whilst we’ve already moved on and gotten back to our usual version of “normal”. These outbursts or episodes of emotions mean we also get into fits of paranoia and irrational thinking, things like “no wonder they don’t love me when I act like this”, “surely they can’t cope with my mood swings, they’re going to leave me”

“They’re going to leave me”, a phrase someone with BPD will utter thousands and thousands of times daily about a loved one. We are so unstable in our emotions and sense of self, and so filled with self loathing and wishing we were different, that we are caught up in this idea that no one will ever love us for who we are. That no one will love us for our true selves, will love both us and our disorder we come with. And so we fear the abandonment deeply, who could love someone this damaged, this unwell, this “crazy”?

The fear of abandonment in people with BPD is a huge aspect of our disorder for some, for me it’s a daily occurrence that I ask my boyfriend “do you love me?”, waiting for the answer to turn from “of course I do” to the resounding “no” I hear him respond with in my head before I’ve even asked the question. Waiting To be denied of love and affection, that slash of rejection itching to slice my heart open again.

A mere disagreement, the act of saying sorry for a tiny thing, even the whiff of tension in the air and we are thrown into disarray, convinced this will be the straw that means they’ll leave. And if they’re going to leave, we should leave first. They can’t reject us if we’re already gone, right?

Countless times I’ve had a disagreement with a partner and gotten myself into a whole sobbing tangle of a mess, convinced I’ve pushed them away for the last time, that I’ve said the wrong thing too many times, that I’ve missed opportunities to apologise once too much, and I’ve sealed my fate myself. When in actual fact, it’s just a disagreement, just an argument between a couple, just a few tense words shared.

But this emotion is tenfold within us, the fear of abandonment bubbling beneath the surface, waiting to rear its ugly head once more.

I’ve often felt my illness has been my downfall in my relationships. Quick to blame the disorder and not the ex. How could it be their fault? I loved them didn’t I? But they never loved me, how could they, and who could blame them for not loving a monster with a personality disorder?

But in reality, it’s the ugly voice of the BPD, the voice that tells me I’m unloveable, I’m not worthy of being with or worthy of a sense of self. I know that deep down, but in the moment, that brief moment of a tense conversation with someone, my response in instantly “fine, leave me then”, because surely that’s where this will end? Why prolong the agony when I can walk away now Scot free, untouched and unrivalled in my abandonment issues.

And it’s so hard to get out of this mindset. Once you’ve set your sights on leaving thats all you can think of, every conversation, it’s a sign you’re not meant to be, every argument, it’s one closer to the final showdown. I simply cannot be loved unconditionally and not wait for the moment it’s all going to end, I am so consumed with the expiration date of my romance, that I ruin what’s in front of me.

But I don’t ruin it, my illness ruins it, my brain, my mindset, the way I see the world ruins it. I am not unloveable, I am worthy of love and affection and I will fight til I believe that’s true wholeheartedly.

Until then, please don’t leave me.

Meg x