The Stigma On Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 BPD Myths

It's not a secret that mental illnesses come with stigma, many of them more than others. Borderline personality disorder is unfortunately one of them, something that isn't well recognised in the first place and when it is it is also often demonised and seen in a very negative light and the positives aren't always seen - although if you want to find out some positives off the bat check out my post on the 13 positives of BPD.

When I was staying in a crisis centre and waiting for a formal diagnosis of BPD, I was told of how I "wouldn't want to have a diagnosis of a personality disorder" because of how stigmatised the condition is, and 2 years after my diagnosis I'm completely understanding the person's reasoning's behind saying this to me. When people hear the words "personality disorder" they are often confused and wonder what this entails, often confusing other conditions like dissassociative identity disorder or "split personality" and things like schizophrenia, thinking that it means you may hear voices, or that you have multiple personalities inside of you, when infact BPD is a complex and serious disorder that affects emotional regulation, relationships, and basically your ability to cope with the tiniest of things. (for a less shit and more in depth explanation of BPD check out my Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness post)

Common Stigmas

1. Crazy and dangerous

a lot of people wrongly assume people with BPD are "crazy" due to episodes of hyper-mania that quickly dissipate into depression. What actually happens in people with BPD is we have erratic mood swings and struggle to regulate our emotions so this can lead to swinging from being elated and happy to being depressed and miserable very quickly in a matter of seconds. It can be quite confusing when this happens and people can assume we are weird or crazy when it is out of our control how our moods swing to. Hyper-mania or a feeling of elatedness is common in BPD and is where you are on a 'high' mood and can happen often and can be very fleeting, this may come across as 'crazy' where we want to do irrational and impulsive things and can feel like our mind is pinging and whizzing round. 

2. Liars and manipulators 

I don't know where this trait came from, but it's a common misconception that we are manipulative and lie often for attention. The truth of the matter is we can lie, just as much as anyone else can, but we are not manipulative. We struggle very much with abandonment and this may trigger an adverse reaction that come across as manipulative, such as threatening suicide or self harm behaviours, when in actual fact we are crying out for help because we have reached crisis point and need some help and reassurance. We are not trying to force compliments out of you or forcing you to stay, we just need help with these emotions as we don't quite know how to deal with them.

3. Untreatable 

We are often believed to be untreatable, and that there is no recovery for BPD. Again, this is not true, in actual fact there are various methods of treatments for the illness, such as medications like anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, which may be very helpful to some and not so helpful to others. There is also dialectical behavioural therapy or DBT for short, which focuses on mindfulness and using logical and emotional thinking to see sense in situations and come down from crisis point, and can be very helpful for emotional regulation and dealing with the intense mood swings that comes with BPD. It is also possible to go into 'remission' with BPD and no longer meet the criteria for a diagnosis within the 9 symptoms.

4. No Empathy

Another misconception is that we have little to no empathy, when in reality we have more empathy than we know what to do with. We can come across very cold and struggling to understand what other people are feeling but this tends to be when we are overwhelmed and not sure what to do with the information. A lot of the time we can become upset when someone else is upset and this may seem as though we don't care and are being selfish, but some people, myself included, can feel other people's pain and envision it and this makes us very sad too. What this really means is that we know how it feels to experience the lowest of lows, and the reality that other people feel this sadness or any sadness breaks our hearts, we don't want people to suffer like we have and see and feel the pain we have.

5. Unlovable

People with BPD are often seen as 'unlovable' or impossible to hold down relationships due to our struggles and internalised worries about every relationship we hold with other people, but like the rest of this list, this isn't the true case. I have had long term relationships, I was with someone for almost four years from the age of 16, and I've had short term relationships. I used to think that the reason all of my relationships didn't work out was because of my illness, when infact, it was due to the lack of empathy and understanding from my partner that was our ultimate downfall. But I can love and be loved, I feel emotions run so deeply within me that I love with all my heart, and sometimes it's hard to understand if this is reciprocated. But we are lovable, we are capable of being in romantic relationships and having long term friendships, all we need is a little understanding and some communication to build up our trust and let down the walls that hold our deep routed abandonment fears.

6. Victims Of Abuse

It is wildly thought that every person with BPD has developed the condition due to abuse during childhood, although it is common for people who suffer with BPD to have developed the illness to cope with childhood trauma, this isn't the case for everyone. I was never abused during my childhood, I was a pretty happy kid. I had my struggles, I became anorexic at the age of 12 and I lost all my friends and began self-harming, but I was never traumatised. There is no solid defining moment in my life I can pin-point and say that's where my illness developed, it just happened over time and my mental health began to deteriorate. But professionals don't always take no for an answer, because, I have BPD, I clearly must have endured some sort of trauma that is curable with therapy. But it's not always that easy to pin-point the downfall of our mental well-being and is another misconception about the disorder.

7. "Oh, like bipolar?"

Many people hear the words "BPD" and instantly draw the connection to bipolar disorder. Whilst the symptoms and traits can be similar between the two illnesses, they are very different disorders and should be treated that way. Individuals with bipolar may experience long periods of sadness and depression followed by long periods of elated moods and happiness, this may span over weeks or months, whereas someone with BPD will experience a very brief moment of elated mood and a very brief moment of depression, followed by more elatedness, then anger, then sadness and so forth, and this could be anything from hours down to minutes, and what someone with bipolar may experience over the span of months, we may feel in the span of 24 hours.

8. Suicidal Thoughts Aren't Serious

Because our emotions and 'episodes' are quite short lived, it's a common misconception that our suicidal thoughts and ideations aren't real or to be taken seriously as this may pass in a few minutes or hours. But because we feel emotions a lot deeper and a lot more real than a 'normal' person may, our suicidal thoughts are very much painful and real, and can be extremely distressing for us to be in crisis and very difficult to come down from that point without intervention. It is thought that around 10% of people with BPD commit suicide, and around 80% have reported a history of attempts. Any threat on someone's life should be taken seriously and talked about, no matter what their diagnosis.

9. Cannot live a 'normal life'

Have a quick google of BPD, the amount of stigmatising articles and wrongly quoted articles you will come across is staggering. Because of how BPD is portrayed, people think we cannot live full and happy lives, when in actual fact we can live very 'normal' and full lives, but we are just struggling and need extra help sometimes. It's possible to go to school, get a degree, fall in love, have a sustainable relationship, have friendships and be happy whilst living with BPD, it's just a little harder for us than others, but not impossible.

10. We Don't Want To Change

Finally we have the worst myth, that we are treatment resistant and don't want to change. Of course we want to change, living with BPD is at times unbearable, it's painful and difficult and a pain in the arse, if I didn't have to live with this illness for just a day I would be happier. But at the same time, as much as my disorder doesn't define me, it does help make up who I am and why I am the way I am. It holds the answers to my irrational behaviour, my mood swings, my irritability, and I'm okay with that.

I have borderline personality disorder, but I am not evil. I am not dangerous, I am not manipulative and I am not a terrible person.

Have empathy and kindness, always.

Meg x

Being Suicidal

Tonight the tragic news of Caroline Flack passing was released, and ever since I found out I’ve been sobbing on the sofa. 8 years ago yesterday, the 14th February 2012 my uncle John committed suicide. January 2019 I attempted to take my own life by running into traffic after a night out and Christmas just gone on Boxing Day I took an overdose of all my pills, then two weeks later I tried to run myself into traffic again and was sectioned by the police on a 136 for endangering my life and was ultimately released back to my mental health team.

I’ve felt suicidal for a long time in my life, mostly intermittently as comes with the highs and lows of my borderline personality disorder and depression. But the last two years was the first time I’ve actively wanted to end my own life and take away all the pain I was feeling. I remember so vividly the first time I tried to take my life, I had been out with my friends on a night out and everything was fine, then all of a sudden i started to panic, and I sat there and thought “this is how the rest of my life is going to be - and I can’t cope with that” so I ran. I ran all the way to the dual carriageway hoping a car would hit me. Luckily that night I had my friends surrounding me and who were more than willing to tackle me to the floor until I was taken to A&E in a police van.

Being suicidal doesn’t mean walking around with a noose around your neck waiting for a good moment to strike, it doesn’t mean you can’t leave your bed sobbing and in a pit of depression. Sometimes it does but other times, it’s picking yourself up and carrying on with life despite feeling this worthlessness, hopelessness and all round shittiness throughout your entire being. Feeling like a complete burden on your family, on yourself and on society. Feeling as though nothing will take away the pain deep inside you, nothing will ever change how your feeling and no one will make the pain go away.

People say suicide is selfish, when in fact all you think about in that moment is how you’re doing everyone a favour. You don’t want your family and friends to see you struggle, see you not able to carry on, see you enduring months of therapies and medications and waiting lists only to feel the same hopelessness you started with. You want them to be happy, to live their life without you in it, because it would be better that way - or so you believe. You want to take away your pain but also take away the pain you’re causing your loved ones. Telling people who care about you that you no longer care for your own life is hard, and hearing it is even harder, no one wants to put people through that so they hide it away and keep it a secret until it festers and cannot be contained anymore.

Most people believe being suicidal means you’re ready to die, when in fact most of us who are suicidal just want the pain to go away. We don’t want to die, we don’t want to be gone forever we just want to kill the pain that’s rotting away inside of us and kill the part of us that is no longer living, that is festering inside causing physical pain to your every being.

People also believe that maybe “I could have said something” or that they “could have done something” when in reality, nothing anyone says in that moment when you want to end your life will ever make sense. Nothing is worth living the pain you’re living, the little things in life are meaningless, the joys life brings are just moments, and they’re not enough to make it all worth while. Trying to think that “it’ll all be okay” sometimes just isn’t worth the risk of what if it isn’t okay? What if it’s never okay again? Logically I know I will have ups and downs, that’s just part of my condition, but in that moment I feel as though I will never be okay again, that this haunting feeling of sadness will cloud over me forever.

 And that’s what I want to kill, the sadness, the pain, the unknowing of what the future holds. I don’t want to find out. I want to make it all stop, for me and for everyone around me who has to endure my mood swings, my outbursts, my never ending tears and rants and moans.

For anyone that got this far and actually cares - I’m doing better. I’ve started therapy and working on myself, I haven’t self harmed in over a year and I haven’t wanted to make another attempt on my life. I Started a new romantic relationship with someone who makes me incredibly happy, and I got offered a new job which makes me excited for the future and what it holds. I am safe but not from my thoughts and urges, but I’m working on it. And I’m here for anyone who needs help working on theirs too.

Meg x

Living With A High Functioning Mental Illness

Being told you're high functioning when you're mentally ill can be one of the most frustrating things ever. It feels so invalidating, so humiliating and down right makes you feel like shit, like yeah you're ill, but you cope with it well so well done you. It doesn't take away your illness, it doesn't make the symptoms any less painful and hard to deal with, just means that you can take a shower, look after yourself and turn up to psychiatrist appointments not looking like a bedraggled depressed demon.

High functioning is a term adopted for mental illness to mean you are a fully functioning human despite your illness. It means you go undetected, you live with a debilitating illness but you cannot see it, you haven't got 'depressed', 'anxious', 'BPD' written on your forehead like a broken leg or a physical disability. It's essentially a psychiatrist or mental health professional telling you "wow, you're doing so well and functioning despite your illness" but what it feels like they're saying is "wow, you're a fucking fraud you may as well not even be here you don't need help" and that's what is so hard to swallow.

My day to day life is pretty regular, I wake up, have an existential crisis and twenty minutes in my duvet saying "do I really need a job/money", trying not to burst into tears and then finally get up, get myself ready and head off to work. I look after myself, I go out and see my friends and family, I drive my car around running errands, I keep down a relationship, I do all the regular things a 21 year old does. Yet despite all this, I still struggle from borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety everyday of my life.

The worst part about being high functioning is the second-guessing in yourself and how you show yourself. I often sit and think "I wonder if this or this would have been different if I'd have presented myself differently the that professional". I have made three attempts on my life, and never once have I been sectioned, I frequently think about this and been told I'm not at at that stage of needing inpatient help, but what exactly does that person look like if not someone who desperately wants to end their life? Because I was out drinking with friends? Because I spoke eloquently about my struggles and presented as well and fine? Because I wasn't covered in self harm marks anymore?

Whenever I see a new mental health professional I am reminded of how high functioning I am. I live with a complex mental illness and yet I am a support worker in a psychiatric hospital full time, I have a group of friends, I go out regularly, I can and do hold down a romantic relationship, I don't self harm anymore, I don't gamble, do drugs or abuse alcohol. So to them, I am not a typical sufferer. But I am suffering.

It's hard not to feel like a complete fraud in your own illness when you're told you're coping well, it's almost as if doing well is a bad thing? Which makes no sense, like being told your broken leg is healing and being distraught about it. I think the worst thing for me is that they don't see how much you actually are suffering under your guise of health and coping, I feel like professionals don't listen to me when I say I'm feeling suicidal or extremely low because of the fact I work and have friends etc, which is completely backwards, as surely someone who typically has their shit together telling you they still don't feel complete, whole or worthy of life should stand out? I just can't wrap my head around it.

 It almost makes me think I have to pretend when I go to see a professional just to feel listened to. I once went in full makeup, dressed properly and didn't burst into tears in an appointment and was told how stable I seemed and how I seemed to be doing well when in fact the words that I'd literally just said to her was "I don't want to be here anymore". I wasn't listened to because of how I looked and presented myself to the world and that makes no sense to me.

Amongst this waffle of an essay what I really want to say is; just because you're told you are coping well with your illness and what you've been dealt with in life, doesn't mean you're not entitled to be struggling, finding it difficult or needing to ask for help. You don't have to fake who you are and prove yourself to be ill just because it's not written across your forehead in blaring red letters. You are doing the best you can in a really shit situation and you should be amazingly proud of yourself, so well done you. Keep trying, keep going and keep fighting, always.

Meg x