My New Etsy Store!

Hello Gang!

Just wanted to interrupt my usual postings to introduce you all to my brand new etsy store!

I've been really bored during isolation waiting to start my new job and decided to take up something productive, so I bought some wood slices and some acrylic paint and brought my arty side back out from my younger years and after some deciding, popped them up for sale on etsy! 

Please share my page, favourite the page, or even buy a wood slice, it's greatly appreciated! The link will be at the top bar of my blog or you can visit it by clicking here.

Thanks! 

Meg x

May Is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month

So May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month! As my blog is mainly aimed at informing people about and helping people with BPD it would be rude not to honour the month! This month I'll be posting two blogs a week, one every Monday and Friday each focusing on one of the symptoms of BPD and how it affects me and how I combat it. So tune in for those! Make sure you follow me on twitter, bloglovin and instagram to know when I post a blogpost! For all my BPD blog posts check out the link at the navigation bar on the blog that says BPD or click here to explore!

What Is BPD?

So let's get started afresh, what exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder? A quick google will tell you; (it's worth noting BPD is also known as EUPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

BPD is a type of personality disorder mainly characterised by intense mood swings and the inability to regulate emotions as per the norm. People with BPD are often diagnosed with other conditions, such as anxiety and depression. BPD is made up of 9 symptoms and characteristics and 5 are needed for a complete diagnosis, which can take a long time to obtain and can be a difficult process.

Symptoms of BPD

So there are nine main symptoms of BPD, and you need at least 5 for a diagnosis, but you can have 6, 7, 8 or all 9 symptoms, meaning there are over 200 (I've forgotten the exact number!) varieties of BPD symptoms you could have and be diagnosed, meaning everyone with the disorder is different and suffers in different ways. Personally I have experienced all 9 throughout my life and I vary from time to time. 

• FEAR OF ABANDONMENT - the chronic fear of losing the people around you, pushing you to do anything to keep them around or even push them away from you so that you're the one to leave first not them
• INTENSE EMOTIONS - having intense mood swings that can change very quickly, so you can go from being stable to extremely depressed or extremely elated in minutes and this can be short lived or last a few hours before swinging again. 
• DISTORTED SELF IMAGE - the frequent not knowing of 'who you are' and not having a strong sense of self or identity, changing how you look and your likes and dislikes to appease people around you rather than for your own satisfaction
• RELATIONSHIP TROUBLES - finding it hard to make and keep relationships and friendships, due to the fear of abandonment and trust issues causing you to believe people coming into your life are to be trusted
• CHRONIC EMPTINESS - the chronic feeling of numbness and nothingness dawning on you
• IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS - using impulsivity as a coping mechanism with things such as money, drugs, sex etc, acting before you can truly think about your actions in order to feel better or feel something
• SELF-HARM OR SUICIDAL IDEATIONS - people with BPD often use self harm to cope with feelings of emptiness and the physical pain bpd can cause. Many often suffer with suicidal thoughts and ideations daily.
• ANGER - intense feelings and bouts of anger for no apparent reason, feeling like a pit of fiery rage with no rhyme or reason
• PARANOIA OR DISASSOCIATION - feelings of someone or something being out to hurt you, not trusting those around you and paranoid thoughts often. Disassociation is the act of feeling disconnected to your thoughts and feelings, and can often lead to breaks in the memory when disassociating. 

Common Stigmas Of BPD 

I recently wrote a post going into full detail on 10 myths around bpd which you can read here, in which I talk about ten common myths people believe about those with BPD. These are things such as; we are manipulators; we are evil people; we have no empathy; we are incapable of love; we are incapable of being helped. 

Many people believe that those with BPD are hard to treat and difficult people to deal with, rather than actually sitting down and finding out how to help us. I'll be the first person to admit I can be difficult to deal with and hard to cope with, but once you get to know me and my triggers and understand why I act the way I do, I can be helped and calmed down and dealt with accordingly. 

Quick google searches will always come up with negatively written articles on BPD and negative questions about BPD.

It's unknown to me where these ideations came from, but they have been there long since before I was diagnosed. I once stayed in a crisis home where a support worker once told me I "shouldn't want a BPD diagnosis" as it can affect my life negatively and people will think of me in a bad way due to my diagnosis, and people may think I'm lying or manipulating them or be denied access to therapies due to my disorder. It can be very hard for those newly diagnosed and wanting credible and true information on BPD when all that is readily available is negative news and myths around the disorder, hence why I made this blog in the first place.

What causes BPD

It is unknown the true cause of BPD, and is thought to be a mixture of genetic and environmental factors. It is thought that many people in one family can have a diagnosis of BPD and this makes it more common for the children of those with BPD to also suffer, but this isn't always true.

A lot of sites and professionals say that BPD is often a sign of trauma or abuse or stressful experiences in early years such as sexual abuse, neglect, losing a parent, feeling unsupported in the family home etc. But this isn't always the case, for example, I was never abused or experienced trauma in my life, and grew up in a happy home with my parents but still developed BPD. 

Treatment of BPD

BPD can be treated with psychological therapies, mainly DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is a talking therapy specifically made for those with BPD and emotion dysregulation. The goal of DBT is to break free of your brains current way of thinking and change it to a more positive outlook and one that isn't damaging to your mental health. 

Mindfulness exercises are also very widely acknowledged as a treatment for BPD and can help people to cope with their emotions and dealing with them accordingly.

Hope you enjoyed this loooong ass post about BPD and hope you tune in every Monday and Friday for a new post each day! 

Meg x 

Intrusive Thoughts & Me

I've talked about my various experiences with my mental health throughout my life here on my blog, but one thing I've never really spoken about is my experiences with intrusive thoughts. There's no real reason or secret behind this, I guess I've just never taken the time to sit down and talk about how they affect me, even though they are a big part of my mental health and illness.

So what are intrusive thoughts? For those of you that aren't familiar this is a quick google definition;

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, impulses or mental images that often cause significant anxiety, stress and impairment within an individual's ability to function. These thoughts may surround the fear of committing an act one consider to be harmful, violent, immoral, sexually inappropriate, or sacrilegious

Intrusive thoughts are basically images or things that run across your mind throughout the day which aren't necessarily nice or pleasant to endure and there's not a lot you can do about them. A google may tell you that if you endure intrusive thoughts you have OCD, which isn't true. Anyone can experience intrusive thoughts, those that have them more on the extreme and violent or abnormal nature may indicate a mental health issue such as OCD, but it can also be down to anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses so don't jump to any conclusions without speaking to a professional if you are experiencing this. 

The thing is, everyone can have intrusive thoughts. Have you ever gotten a new phone, been sat in the passenger side of a car and thought about just launching out the window and watching it smash? Or stood near the edge of something and saw yourself jumping right over? These are examples of intrusive thoughts. They are also very common with new mothers/parents who envision their baby being harmed or dropped. We think of these things because we are so anxious about them happening, and it's the worst possible scenario our brain can come up with, so it flashes up to us. 

Intrusive thoughts can be sexual, they can be violent, they can be of inappropriate images, and they can be terrifying, they can keep us awake at night, have us screaming out from how real they feel, and be an awful thing to live with. 

For me, I've experienced intrusive thoughts as long as I can remember, I would sit in class next to someone, and have constant images of me stabbing them in the leg with my pencil running through my mind, I was terrified, I thought I was going mad and that I was some demonic psychopath in the making at just 12 years old. When in reality, this was a big part of my anxiety, I was terrified of hurting someone due to my mental health issues, I was so scared that one day I would lash out that it was all I could picture in my head. 

My intrusive thoughts tend to get more and more frequent and loud the worse my mental state gets. So on an average day I might not have any, but on a bad day when I'm struggling I could see all manner of things in my head, things that make me cry, scream and hide. When I'm feeling particularly suicidal, I picture me harming myself, violent, vivid visions of something happening to me or me doing something. And this image doesn't just fade away, it stays, the more I try to block it out the worse it comes back, rearing it's ugly head bigger and bolder than before. In all my suicide attempts, I've had awful intrusive thoughts that have pushed me to the edge, every time I attempted to harm myself, I watched myself do the acts in my head over and over again, my inner voice telling me I had to do it over and over again until I snapped. 

In particularly bad episodes, I will have intrusive thoughts about being harmed by strangers in my home, the other week, Patrick and me were messing around and he was pulling funny faces at me, they reminded me of clowns and Patrick made a passing joke before leaving me to go to sleep. The minute he left, I began screaming and crying and ran to him in the living room, he couldn't believe it, I was fine two minutes ago. But the intrusive thoughts had gotten to me, as I laid in the dark room all I could imagine and see running through my mind were clowns coming to hurt me, they were jumping up from behind the bed, creeping up behind me opening the door, I sat on that sofa and screamed and sobbed, my head constantly bobbing around to the areas my mind were telling me someone was, I was pacing the flat, checking behind the doors, in cupboards, behind the bed, convinced I would find the thing my mind was telling me was there. But of course nothing was there, my mind was just at it's old tricks. 

One reason I don't talk about my intrusive thoughts a lot is I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed and terrified of some of the thoughts I've had in the past. When my anxiety was particularly high and I had trouble leaving the house, when I did, I would find myself having terrifying sexual intrusive thoughts about strangers. Mainly them just being naked, or touching me or making me touch them. I would sit and squirm and cry on the bus on my way somewhere, unable to get my brain to just stop. I was convinced there was something wrong with me for a long time, I thought I must be a pervert or have a sexuality problem or addiction, I couldn't fathom why I was having these thoughts until I finally opened up to a therapist about them, I didn't even tell her the sexual content ones, I couldn't bare to tell anyone I was so ashamed, but after a while I figured out they were intrusive thoughts and did a lot of research and realised I wasn't alone.

So many people experience these thoughts just like me, and so many believe they aren't normal, that they're going insane. You're not alone. I promise these thoughts are normal, they're terrifying and they feel oh so very real but I promise you they aren't. If you're really struggling with your thoughts you should seek help, this isn't your life forever. The best thing you can do that my therapist once told me and I never forgot, is to let them happen. Realise that this isn't a reality, it's an illusion your brain has imagined up for us, and it will pass. The harder you try not to think about it, the worse it becomes. If I told you not to think of a white bear, you can think of anything, but not a white bear, eventually, all you will think about is the white bear. Intrusive thoughts are the same, if you battle and battle against the thoughts of you hurting your partner or hurting yourself, the worse these thoughts will become. 

Always remember; this isn't real, this will pass, and I am safe. You have endured these thoughts before and you will endure them again but they will not and cannot hurt you. It will be okay.

Meg x

Dealing With Depression During Lockdown

Depression is one of the ugliest, most painful and invisible illnesses out there. Coping with it on a daily basis is hard as it is, and can be one of the hardest fights a lot of us have to fight in our life, but when you add in a global pandemic and lockdown, those days can feel even harder and darker to face. The endless unbusy days, the fear of the unknown, the sad state of the world, it's enough to send anyone into a spiral of sadness and fear, but when you're already mentally unstable and unwell, this can be  incredibly daunting and terrifying to live with.

You wake up and the darkness surrounds you, clouding your brain, your vision, your ability to cope with anything. Straight away you know you can't move anything, you're numb, your legs feel like lead and you're stuck there for the forseeable. For me, I sit and scroll endlessly on my phone until it passes, until I'm free again, knowing the sense of dread will fill me all day and I'm in for a rough one.

Depression isn't something you can see, it isn't something you can fight or conquer against, nothing you can tell is coming. That's the worst part, everything can feel fine and dandy and all of a sudden you're sinking, deeper and deeper into your sadness, knowing nothing and no one can help you out of it.

"what can I do to help?" people ask, but what can they do? They can't fight this battle for or with you, they can't say anything you don't already know. All people can do is listen to you moan and cry until it passes. Right now, you can't even go visit someone to cheer them up, we're all trapped in our own homes, and when you're already trapped in your own head, it can feel a million times worse.

The other day, I felt so low, I didn't know what to do with myself. I laid in bed sobbing, not even able to tell Patrick what was wrong, because nothing was wrong really, I was just sad. But I felt so sad I could feel it in my bones, feel it whirring through my system, engulfing me in darkness. I felt worthless, unloveable, and unable to go on, so I ran. I ran as fast I could out of the flat, without a word, and down to the river. I sat there, staring into the water, the only thing on my mind was the endless conversations I've had with Patrick about how it would kill you if you jumped in, the currents taking you away, how he'd seen a local man jump in countless times and be saved by services only to do it again, and I wanted to be that man. I wanted to jump, to feel the cold sear through me, to just feel something again.

I sat there numb, even when Patrick finally found me and joined me silently, I had no words. He knew what I was thinking and what I wanted to do and gently guided me back home in silence. I couldn't speak, couldn't explain what was wrong, couldn't tell him how I was feeling. The shell of me had took over and overcome me once more, I was lost in the sadness I felt, swept away in the darkness of my mind.

But this isn't how I feel every day. I have depression, but depression doesn't rule my days the way it used to, it just creeps up on me randomly, without a rhyme or reason. I've found keeping myself busy helps with the bad days, some days I take a nap, others I sit and paint my heart out, drawing and doodling away the pain, or I facetime my friends and talk about shit with them to feel better.

It’s up to you how you deal with a bad depression episode day, for me, keeping busy and sleeping it off are the most effective, but it depends from person to person. I know some people that simply sleep and stay in bed, something some people will say is an unhealthy way to cope but if that’s all you can do to manage, that’s perfectly okay.

If you’re someone who needs to keep busy and go running and paint and read, go ahead. Depression is different for everyone, and affects everyone differently so your way of coping should also be different to everyone else. Talk to someone, let someone know how you’re feeling, keep busy, or do nothing, just deal with it however you see fit and in a healthy manner, and it will all be okay in the end.

But what you need to remember, is it Does go away, the pain subsides, the darkness dissipates and another day dawns. If you're struggling right now, you are not alone and you can fight this.

Stay strong and stay safe
Meg x

My Favourite Books of All Time - Self-Isolate & Chill

Yep, we're all lock downed, and I'm not going to lie, self-isolating is pretty much my entire life anyway as I'm currently waiting to start a new job. But I'm trying to make good use of all my free time when I'm not at my boyfriends, and that includes tackling my huge hoard of books I haven't read on the shelves. I'm a big fan of buying books on amazon prime, receiving them the next day then have them gathering dust for the next few months til I can be bothered to read it. Whoooooops.

I find running a nice bubble bath and tucking into a book a great release when I'm having a bad mental health day, it truly relaxes me and puts me into a whole new world that's not focused on my own problems and troubles, especially when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed or anxious.

The Nowhere Girls - Amy Reed

I LOVED this book, it's one of those that you read and think, oh my god, why isn't everyone reading this book? If you're big on feminism, or just love a good read I recommend this highly. It surrounds three main girls, Grace, the preacher's daughter, Rosina, a hardened tough girl, and Erin, an autistic girl who struggles to understand the world. They are brought together by the story of a girl from their town who was sexually assaulted who was then victimised by her town and assumed she cried wolf, they become the 'Nowhere Girls' forming a group and try to avenge the rape of a girl they have never met. It's premise is around consent and features so many various stories of the women and girls inside and their attitudes and thoughts around consent, sexuality and misogyny. It goes hand in hand with the #metoo movement and truly brought my emotions to the brim reading this. Brilliant read.

This Is Going To Hurt - Adam Kay

If you haven't heard about this book already, where have you been??? Adam Kay was junior doctor in the NHS and tells his stories from on and off the hospital wards, from stillbirths, to foreign objects stuck in foreign orifices, to beautiful birth stories, this one kept me wanting more for sure. I love a good true story book especially when it comes to doctors and nurses and this one didn't disappoint me. I laughed, I cried and I wanted more when it came to the end, luckily for me he wrote a spin off book named Twas The Nightshift Before Christmas, which is the next one on my list! 

Only Ever Yours - Louise O'Neill

Oh my god, this book. It's essentially a dystopian universe where the girls, or Eves, are hand-reared from birth in The School, and are brought up and trained to be pretty, good and always willing. When they are ready to graduate, the Eves are chosen by the men, but only 12 of them are chosen. You can be a Companion - chosen by the man, a Concubine - essentially a prostitute in the outside world made for pleasure, or a Chastity - you teach and bring up the future girls as what is their version of a nun in the School. It's essentially like the handsmaid's tale meets mean girls. AMAZING. I genuinely couldn't put this book down it gripped me right to the gritty ending, a complete must read for me! 

Honourable mention goes to;

Everything I Know About Love - Dolly Alderton

I lent this book to Millie so couldn't picture it oops, but this book is a spin on a typical biography, with each new chapter bringing more info into Dolly's life, from terrible tinder dates, to best friend adventures to bad old flat shares. It's surrounding story line is finding love in the little things in life, especially friendships, rather than heartbreak stories. It was truly a hilarious read on the truth of Dolly's life in her twenties and I can't wait to read it again already. One to pick up! 

What are your fav reads? I always need a new book to pick up!

Meg x 

Dealing With Bad Mental Health During COVID-19

I think we can all be in agreement when I say that times are very tough and unknown right now. This is completely unchartered waters for people and coping in general can be hard, and keeping on top of our mental health and well-being has never been more important than right now.

We're being told to stay in our homes and keep ourselves safe, and although this is such an easy thing for us to do, it seems as though it's one of the hardest things to do whilst keeping sane. I know for me personally I'm climbing the walls. My bpd relies on me keeping a routine and structure and keeping active, keeping social, going out and doing things to keep in good fashion and those are the exact things I don't have and can't do right now for mine and everyone elses safety. Which is perfectly fine, except I'm at home climbing the walls and so unsettled. It's coming up to my birthday which is always a hard time for me mentally anyway, but this whole situation is triggering all sorts of episodes for me, and I'm trying my best to stay sane and safe and thought I'd share my ways with you guys.

Going for a Daily Walk

Currently in the UK we are still allowed out for exercise as advised by our government, without which I definitely think I'd be going insane. My boyfriend's flat is right on the river luckily so we can go out and take a long stroll around the river and over the bridges and keep our distance from everyone. I recommend going out when the sun is going down or very early morning, not only is a beautiful view but there's also much less people about during these times and less likely to bump into someone or be too close to people which I find keeps me calmer too, if I go out during midday - two ish I find everyone and their dog is out walking and running and it's just too difficult to keep your distance and gets me on edge. I recommend taking your phone or a camera out with you too, take advantage of the beautiful nature whilst out on your walk and snap a few pictures, this always keeps me happier and calm focusing my mind on something creative.

Being Creative

I've recently been all over my amazon prime shopping and digging out old art supplies to keep myself entertained, so far I've got some watercolours and some colouring pens out and been busy painting and drawing my heart away to keep me busy. I've missed being creative and haven't really touched my art supplies since I was 16 doing my art GCSE's so it's nice to finally crack them back out and dust them off. I find painting and drawing in particular very soothing for me when I'm feeling unsettled, I just sit down and bury my head into a picture or doodle until I'm happy with it.

Having a Nap

This is a totally unproductive option, but hey, you're allowed to do nothing, this isn't a holiday where you should be busy every minute of every day, it's a pandemic and you're allowed to be overwhelmed and just sit. I find when I'm feeling particularly stressed or down, getting an hour or twos kip does me the world of good. I've always had naps when I'm struggling, it's one of my most unhealthy coping mechanisms, but recently I've majorly cut down from having a nap sometimes two every single day to just when I really need one. Recharging the batteries and having a little snooze is no bad thing!

Facetime 

One thing that's keeping me going is facetime. Whenever I'm missing someone like my friends or family i send a quick "anyone free for a video chat?" and off we go. I've had days where I've spent most of it on facetime on and off to my mates, even if we're all sat doing something else it's nice to have the virtual company of friends around and definitely puts a smile on my face. I've even been video chatting on whatsapp to my nan and grandad which has been lovely, I miss a cuppa and a chat so much with them.

Feeling it

Sometimes, you just have to feel your emotions. I'm trying new coping methods where I don't bury my feels and ignore them and actually, just let them happen. They're going to come and go and letting them happen is much easier than burying them, and much healthier. If I feel sad, I have a little cry to Patrick and a moan, if I feel angry, I let out a moan and groan and tell him what's wrong, or I just sit on the sofa and watch shitty TV and just feel whatever emotion I'm going through. BPD is rough and can throw you under the bus at any given moment, and it's important to remember you can't help it and this is going to happen, but what you can change is how you deal with it.

I hope some of these activities will help some of you guys too, let me know in the comments how you're keeping on top of your mental health!

Meg x

A Bullet Journal Tour

I've been saying for a while now that I'll do a blog post all around my bullet journal so here we are, with everything going on I've literally just started a brand new one and got it all up and running, and now have nothing to put in it! Typical. So some of the pictures are ones from my old bullet journals to show you what some of the pages I usually do look like, I think this is my third or fourth bullet journal now so I've been doing this for a good few years! 

So what exactly is a bullet journal you ask! It's essentially a home-made diary or journal that you design and make yourself tailored to your needs. I use mine as a diary, a notepad and a doodle pad all in one really so you can use it for everything. The basic premise is here on this youtube video if you want a completely basic one, but over my time of doing this I've become obsessed with pinterest (follow my pinterest here for ideas!) and youtubers like AmandaRachLee who do bullet journalling and make theirs look absolutely beautiful, so it's a bit more than your everyday journal but like I said, it's completely up to you what it looks like and what goes in it, you can go from completely basic to extremely extra, your choice! 

The first set up I always do in every journal is my future log. This is where I look back at the beginning of every month and see where I'm at. I write appointments, dates to remember and everything else here to remind me to write it in my monthly spread. I find this incredibly helpful for my scattered brain, as with my bullet journal I usually only do a few weeks or one month drawn at a time, so if something comes up I have no where to write it down, so in it goes into the future log for me to remember and pop into the month when it's drawn up. 

So next comes the monthly spread pages, I usually do a little quote and an intro to the month page with the month and the calendar for that month written on it so I can have a quick outlook at the month and dates, it's also a nice place to start my theme for that month, so for my old journal in the top two pictures I went with a full blown space sketchy theme and included a similar themed quote, and then for April it was my favourite things, as it is my birthday month. 

For my new journal in the last two photos I went with a simplistic lavender sprig theme with pastel pinks and purples. So as you can see from the April and March monthly spreads, the next two pages are organising my month, so I usually either do a two page landscape spread in square boxes, or I do the ones above where I write the numbers of the month down one side and then put the appointments and things next to them to see what I'm up to that month and I can quickly glance at that to see what I'm doing that month.

Then I do my daily pages, where I write down what I'm up to from a day to day basis, whether it be birthdays, appointments, plans, chores to do etc and keeping myself up to date with what I'm doing. I don't usually continue my theme throughout the daily pages as to be honest, I can never really be bothered, but I put a little lavender sprig this month to keep up with it a little.

Then there comes my random pages like the first image in this post and the one above. I like to write a lot of my lists and plans in my bujo, so like above I wrote my books I've been reading over the last year, I have a birthday page for me to flick back and have a look whose birthday is coming up. Last night I did a whole star wars double spread drawing R2-D2 and BB-8 in there, so it's for allsorts really. I just like to keep myself busy especially with such rough times ahead of us, and doing lists and meal plans, weekly shopping lists, to-do lists etc keeps me busy and getting creative. 

Getting creative and keeping myself busy is definitely keeping me sane lately with coronavirus issues, so if you're looking for a new little project, definitely check it out! I'll leave a list of supplies below for you guys, let me know if you try it out! 

Meg x 

My bullet journal of choice here

Faber Castell Pitt Artist Black Pens here

Zebra Mildliners here

Dual Brush Tips Colouring pens here

Tombow fudenosuke hard brush pen here

Agoraphobia - Memories & How To Cope During COVID-19

Agoraphobia is a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn't be available if things go wrong.

It's no secret that I've suffered from anxiety issues for a huge portion of my life, but I've never really gone into the panic disorder and the severity of my anxieties on my blog much. A few years ago, when I was 18 and fresh out of college/sixth form, I was placed in a crisis house. If you're unsure what this is, it's basically a respite centre for adults suffering with their mental health and deemed to be in a place of crisis, but made to reduce the amount of psychiatric admissions and instead give someone respite from their home and everyday life in a safe space where there is someone to talk to 24/7 and you're not alone. Sadly the crisis house in rotherham was shut down due to budget cuts, and the place I stayed in is no longer, but I hold onto my memories of my max 7 day stay there. 

Whilst I was in the crisis house, I had taken 8 weeks sick off of my job in retail, I was with an ex boyfriend at the time, living at home with my parents and I didn't really have many friends around me, most of them had gone off to university and we were yet to have our paths crossed again. My mental health was pretty awful at the time, I'd not yet recieved my diagnosis of BPD, and was still waiting to be formally diagnosed but the suspicions were there. I hated my job at the time, that's why I took time off on sick leave, I was having multiple panic attacks per shift, some before I'd even stepped foot into the building and I just couldn't cope with it, and the deep depressive episodes followed. So I was off sick and had just spent 7 days in a crisis house and had returned home, and out of the blue this extreme anxiety inside me appeared, a whole new one based around leaving the house and going out. 

Whenever I was meant to go out I would sob and freak out, I just couldn't manage it. I have one very distinct memory of having a complete episode and panic attack over going to the hairdressers, in which I had a bad attack and hid under my duvet refusing to leave until my boyfriend at the time calmed me down and had to physically drag me there, I couldn't even speak to the hairdresser once I was there and the shop was literally 5 minutes down the road. This situation got worse and worse to the point my psychiatrist referred me to have a support worker come to my home and slowly get me back out into the community with her help to tackle this anxiety and panic attacks based around going out. 

Of course, I managed it, I went on coffee trips with her, I went to therapy with her, I even went out with another girl she was supporting and did a group trip and slowly my anxieties lifted and I returned to work and my life went on. But as with most of my mental illness issues, these thoughts frequently return.

I've found that during this whole coronavirus pandemic, my agoraphobia has been slowly creepig back upon me, it sounds odd, to say I fear leaving the house now I'm told I can't, and maybe you think "of course you're anxious, there's a pandemic" but this is a completely different feeling, one I can barely put into words. It's like being trapped in a cage, unable to do the things you know will be good and ultimately help you, like taking a walk or driving somewhere, but being unable to push yourself to do it. To me, my anxieties start the minute I step foot out of the door, the build up I'm completely fine, excited almost to take my daily walk and get some fresh air. But the further away I get from the house, the bigger the knot in my stomach, I find myself constantly searching for the flat in the distance, needing to know how far away I am, always looking for an escape route, planning how I would run back if I needed to every second. It's the ultimate fear of being so far away from a place of safety, from my haven, like a baby birds first flight every time I go out. 

The most annoying part of agoraphobia, is that you must endure it head-on, there is no way around this wall, you simply have to break it down. For me, that means putting my coat and shoes on, taking hold of my boyfriend's hand and enduring the walk everyday, no matter the amount of fear it puts into me or how big the lump in my throat is, you simply have to keep going. 

If you're struggling with leaving the house during these times, please please, try and get yourself out there. Annoyingly, this issue will never resolve itself, the only way for this to go away is to fight it and the more you don't, the bigger of an issue it becomes, trust me, I've tried. It doesn't matter if you only get to the end of your drive, or you have to hold someones hand the whole way, or you can barely breathe the entire time, as soon as you get yourself out there, you've done it, you've fought your demons head on and won. It doesn't matter how you do it or how long you do it for, as long as you stand up and fight. Some helpful things I do when I'm struggling with my agoraphobia is;

• going with Patrick rather than alone, talking about anything and everything or talking about my anxieties and going through them rationally with him, before I know it I'm opening the flat door again
• listening to music, putting on your fav songs can be just the push you need to keep walking and keep moving
• do some breathing exercises and practice your most helpful method, keep doing it and keep going 
• go at a time no one else is really around, my favourite walking time is as the sun is setting, not only is it beautiful to see, but everyone is usually at home cooking their dinner. 
• take photos whilst you're out, give yourself a task to busy yourself in like taking the perfect shot of some flowers or a bird, immerse yourself in something to do
• take it slowly, keep edging out further and stopping, when I'm really bad I get more and more anxious the further I go, so I do little stops and have five minutes sat down then keep going and power through
• go somewhere you can see your home, or know the route very well, so you know your escape plan should you have a panic attack or need to find space 

I know times are tough and our mental health is all taking a battering, but we can all do this together, 

Stay safe,

Meg x 

STOP! Anxiety & Mental Illness Episodes Activity

Recently I've started going to therapy sessions (obviously and sadly now cancelled due to COVID-19) and been working through my issues and worries. A lot of this is down to my anxiety which I've suffered with for a long time, as long as I can remember really. When I first started secondary school, I suffered very badly with my anxiety and panic attacks, to the point I would have to hide in the toilets during registration period and have a panic attack in there and calm myself down to be able to go to my lessons of the day. I kept it a secret for a long time and didn't understand what was going on until I started seeing counsellors and getting referred to the children's mental health team, but now I'm very aware of my anxieties and triggers and try to use this to help others.

So my new therapist picked up on my struggles with my anxiety and decided to use a social anxiety help sheet with me to help me deal with my bpd and anxiety episodes. What I do is after I have what I call an 'episode' (crying, paranoia, panicking, sadness etc) is I use the sheet to talk through with myself - and later my therapist - what happened to try and narrow down what triggered it and what I could do in the future to help the situation. I'm finding it helpful and using the prompts now when I'm having an episode to try and calm myself down again.

Situation And Trigger
What happened? Who? What? Where? When?
What did I notice?
What did I react to?
So firstly, let's write down what happened that started the incident. What was going on? What stimuli did you react to?
e.g walking to the shop alone and began feeling anxious. Noticed my breathing getting rapid and palms beginning to sweat

Feelings, Emotions and Physical Sensations
What emotions did I feel? How intense were they?
What did I feel in my body?
What were you feeling at the time? Were you sad, angry, frustrated, upset? Was it mild or was it intense emotions? What other feelings did you get, sweating, crying, panic?
e.g felt incredibly nervous, sweating, heart racing, struggling to breathe, felt sick

Unhelpful Thoughts or Images
What went through my mind?
What's the worst that could happen?
What did I think others would notice?
What were you thinking at the time? What unhelpful thoughts were you thinking?
e.g anxious that people would be in the shop and would look or laugh at me, people could be talking about me or I could have a panic attack in public, others will notice I'm breathing funny and think I'm weird

Self-Focus
Where was my focus of attention?
What did I notice about myself?
What were you thinking about at the time? Was it about yourself, how you looked, how you were acting etc? Could you notice anything about yourself, like any symptoms?
e.g focusing on what could happen if I go into the shop and have a panic attack, noticed my hands tingling and palms sweating

Safety Behaviours
What did I do that helped me?
What did I do to try and stop it happening?
Did I have an urge to do anything?
So what did you do to calm yourself down, did you ring someone, do a breathing exercise, sit down for five? Did you try and catch it before a panic attack happened? Did you want to do something, like run away, go back home etc?
e.g rang a friend to do some breathing over the phone with me and help me calm down, had the urge to run away but decided to fight it

Rational thoughts and Self Focus
STOP! Take a breath, is this fact or fiction?
Is my reaction proportionate?
What's really happening? 
What would someone else say?
Is what's happening or what you think is going to happen true or have you imagined it up in your head? Do you know that you'll have a panic attack or are you thinking you will? Are you reacting proportionately? Is going to the shop a scary activity worth panicking about?
e.g imagined I would have a panic attack, I'm just walking to the shop which is easy and not a scary activity, someone else would think this was silly

Outcome - What did I do, how Did it Help?
What could I have done differently? 
What helped me?
Did what you do to help yourself work? Should you have tried something else as well or instead? What helped you in your situation?
e.g Could have stopped earlier to avoid a panic attack, but ringing a friend helped me calm down and not have a bad panic attack in the end.


So that's my anxiety activity worksheet, maybe have a go next time you have an incident where you're struggling and see if you can identify some triggers and see what will help you next time.

Let me know how you get on!
Meg x