Hello Gang!

Just wanted to interrupt my usual postings to introduce you all to my brand new etsy store!

So May is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month! As my blog is mainly aimed at informing people about and helping people with BPD it would be rude not to honour the month! This month I'll be posting two blogs a week, one every Monday and Friday each focusing on one of the symptoms of BPD and how it affects me and how I combat it. So tune in for those! Make sure you follow me on twitter, bloglovin and instagram to know when I post a blogpost! For all my BPD blog posts check out the link at the navigation bar on the blog that says BPD or click here to explore!

What Is BPD?

So let's get started afresh, what exactly is Borderline Personality Disorder? A quick google will tell you; (it's worth noting BPD is also known as EUPD or emotionally unstable personality disorder)

I've talked about my various experiences with my mental health throughout my life here on my blog, but one thing I've never really spoken about is my experiences with intrusive thoughts. There's no real reason or secret behind this, I guess I've just never taken the time to sit down and talk about how they affect me, even though they are a big part of my mental health and illness.

So what are intrusive thoughts? For those of you that aren't familiar this is a quick google definition;

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts, impulses or mental images that often cause significant anxiety, stress and impairment within an individual's ability to function. These thoughts may surround the fear of committing an act one consider to be harmful, violent, immoral, sexually inappropriate, or sacrilegious

Intrusive thoughts are basically images or things that run across your mind throughout the day which aren't necessarily nice or pleasant to endure and there's not a lot you can do about them. A google may tell you that if you endure intrusive thoughts you have OCD, which isn't true. Anyone can experience intrusive thoughts, those that have them more on the extreme and violent or abnormal nature may indicate a mental health issue such as OCD, but it can also be down to anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses so don't jump to any conclusions without speaking to a professional if you are experiencing this. 

The thing is, everyone can have intrusive thoughts. Have you ever gotten a new phone, been sat in the passenger side of a car and thought about just launching out the window and watching it smash? Or stood near the edge of something and saw yourself jumping right over? These are examples of intrusive thoughts. They are also very common with new mothers/parents who envision their baby being harmed or dropped. We think of these things because we are so anxious about them happening, and it's the worst possible scenario our brain can come up with, so it flashes up to us. 

Intrusive thoughts can be sexual, they can be violent, they can be of inappropriate images, and they can be terrifying, they can keep us awake at night, have us screaming out from how real they feel, and be an awful thing to live with. 

For me, I've experienced intrusive thoughts as long as I can remember, I would sit in class next to someone, and have constant images of me stabbing them in the leg with my pencil running through my mind, I was terrified, I thought I was going mad and that I was some demonic psychopath in the making at just 12 years old. When in reality, this was a big part of my anxiety, I was terrified of hurting someone due to my mental health issues, I was so scared that one day I would lash out that it was all I could picture in my head. 

My intrusive thoughts tend to get more and more frequent and loud the worse my mental state gets. So on an average day I might not have any, but on a bad day when I'm struggling I could see all manner of things in my head, things that make me cry, scream and hide. When I'm feeling particularly suicidal, I picture me harming myself, violent, vivid visions of something happening to me or me doing something. And this image doesn't just fade away, it stays, the more I try to block it out the worse it comes back, rearing it's ugly head bigger and bolder than before. In all my suicide attempts, I've had awful intrusive thoughts that have pushed me to the edge, every time I attempted to harm myself, I watched myself do the acts in my head over and over again, my inner voice telling me I had to do it over and over again until I snapped. 

In particularly bad episodes, I will have intrusive thoughts about being harmed by strangers in my home, the other week, Patrick and me were messing around and he was pulling funny faces at me, they reminded me of clowns and Patrick made a passing joke before leaving me to go to sleep. The minute he left, I began screaming and crying and ran to him in the living room, he couldn't believe it, I was fine two minutes ago. But the intrusive thoughts had gotten to me, as I laid in the dark room all I could imagine and see running through my mind were clowns coming to hurt me, they were jumping up from behind the bed, creeping up behind me opening the door, I sat on that sofa and screamed and sobbed, my head constantly bobbing around to the areas my mind were telling me someone was, I was pacing the flat, checking behind the doors, in cupboards, behind the bed, convinced I would find the thing my mind was telling me was there. But of course nothing was there, my mind was just at it's old tricks. 

One reason I don't talk about my intrusive thoughts a lot is I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed and terrified of some of the thoughts I've had in the past. When my anxiety was particularly high and I had trouble leaving the house, when I did, I would find myself having terrifying sexual intrusive thoughts about strangers. Mainly them just being naked, or touching me or making me touch them. I would sit and squirm and cry on the bus on my way somewhere, unable to get my brain to just stop. I was convinced there was something wrong with me for a long time, I thought I must be a pervert or have a sexuality problem or addiction, I couldn't fathom why I was having these thoughts until I finally opened up to a therapist about them, I didn't even tell her the sexual content ones, I couldn't bare to tell anyone I was so ashamed, but after a while I figured out they were intrusive thoughts and did a lot of research and realised I wasn't alone.

So many people experience these thoughts just like me, and so many believe they aren't normal, that they're going insane. You're not alone. I promise these thoughts are normal, they're terrifying and they feel oh so very real but I promise you they aren't. If you're really struggling with your thoughts you should seek help, this isn't your life forever. The best thing you can do that my therapist once told me and I never forgot, is to let them happen. Realise that this isn't a reality, it's an illusion your brain has imagined up for us, and it will pass. The harder you try not to think about it, the worse it becomes. If I told you not to think of a white bear, you can think of anything, but not a white bear, eventually, all you will think about is the white bear. Intrusive thoughts are the same, if you battle and battle against the thoughts of you hurting your partner or hurting yourself, the worse these thoughts will become. 

Always remember; this isn't real, this will pass, and I am safe. You have endured these thoughts before and you will endure them again but they will not and cannot hurt you. It will be okay.

Meg x

Depression is one of the ugliest, most painful and invisible illnesses out there. Coping with it on a daily basis is hard as it is, and can be one of the hardest fights a lot of us have to fight in our life, but when you add in a global pandemic and lockdown, those days can feel even harder and darker to face. The endless unbusy days, the fear of the unknown, the sad state of the world, it's enough to send anyone into a spiral of sadness and fear, but when you're already mentally unstable and unwell, this can be  incredibly daunting and terrifying to live with.

You wake up and the darkness surrounds you, clouding your brain, your vision, your ability to cope with anything. Straight away you know you can't move anything, you're numb, your legs feel like lead and you're stuck there for the forseeable. For me, I sit and scroll endlessly on my phone until it passes, until I'm free again, knowing the sense of dread will fill me all day and I'm in for a rough one.

Depression isn't something you can see, it isn't something you can fight or conquer against, nothing you can tell is coming. That's the worst part, everything can feel fine and dandy and all of a sudden you're sinking, deeper and deeper into your sadness, knowing nothing and no one can help you out of it.

"what can I do to help?" people ask, but what can they do? They can't fight this battle for or with you, they can't say anything you don't already know. All people can do is listen to you moan and cry until it passes. Right now, you can't even go visit someone to cheer them up, we're all trapped in our own homes, and when you're already trapped in your own head, it can feel a million times worse.

The other day, I felt so low, I didn't know what to do with myself. I laid in bed sobbing, not even able to tell Patrick what was wrong, because nothing was wrong really, I was just sad. But I felt so sad I could feel it in my bones, feel it whirring through my system, engulfing me in darkness. I felt worthless, unloveable, and unable to go on, so I ran. I ran as fast I could out of the flat, without a word, and down to the river. I sat there, staring into the water, the only thing on my mind was the endless conversations I've had with Patrick about how it would kill you if you jumped in, the currents taking you away, how he'd seen a local man jump in countless times and be saved by services only to do it again, and I wanted to be that man. I wanted to jump, to feel the cold sear through me, to just feel something again.

I sat there numb, even when Patrick finally found me and joined me silently, I had no words. He knew what I was thinking and what I wanted to do and gently guided me back home in silence. I couldn't speak, couldn't explain what was wrong, couldn't tell him how I was feeling. The shell of me had took over and overcome me once more, I was lost in the sadness I felt, swept away in the darkness of my mind.

But this isn't how I feel every day. I have depression, but depression doesn't rule my days the way it used to, it just creeps up on me randomly, without a rhyme or reason. I've found keeping myself busy helps with the bad days, some days I take a nap, others I sit and paint my heart out, drawing and doodling away the pain, or I facetime my friends and talk about shit with them to feel better.

It’s up to you how you deal with a bad depression episode day, for me, keeping busy and sleeping it off are the most effective, but it depends from person to person. I know some people that simply sleep and stay in bed, something some people will say is an unhealthy way to cope but if that’s all you can do to manage, that’s perfectly okay.

If you’re someone who needs to keep busy and go running and paint and read, go ahead. Depression is different for everyone, and affects everyone differently so your way of coping should also be different to everyone else. Talk to someone, let someone know how you’re feeling, keep busy, or do nothing, just deal with it however you see fit and in a healthy manner, and it will all be okay in the end.

But what you need to remember, is it Does go away, the pain subsides, the darkness dissipates and another day dawns. If you're struggling right now, you are not alone and you can fight this.

Stay strong and stay safe
Meg x

Yep, we're all lock downed, and I'm not going to lie, self-isolating is pretty much my entire life anyway as I'm currently waiting to start a new job. But I'm trying to make good use of all my free time when I'm not at my boyfriends, and that includes tackling my huge hoard of books I haven't read on the shelves. I'm a big fan of buying books on amazon prime, receiving them the next day then have them gathering dust for the next few months til I can be bothered to read it. Whoooooops.

I find running a nice bubble bath and tucking into a book a great release when I'm having a bad mental health day, it truly relaxes me and puts me into a whole new world that's not focused on my own problems and troubles, especially when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed or anxious.

The Nowhere Girls - Amy Reed

This Is Going To Hurt - Adam Kay

Only Ever Yours - Louise O'Neill

Everything I Know About Love - Dolly Alderton

I think we can all be in agreement when I say that times are very tough and unknown right now. This is completely unchartered waters for people and coping in general can be hard, and keeping on top of our mental health and well-being has never been more important than right now.

We're being told to stay in our homes and keep ourselves safe, and although this is such an easy thing for us to do, it seems as though it's one of the hardest things to do whilst keeping sane. I know for me personally I'm climbing the walls. My bpd relies on me keeping a routine and structure and keeping active, keeping social, going out and doing things to keep in good fashion and those are the exact things I don't have and can't do right now for mine and everyone elses safety. Which is perfectly fine, except I'm at home climbing the walls and so unsettled. It's coming up to my birthday which is always a hard time for me mentally anyway, but this whole situation is triggering all sorts of episodes for me, and I'm trying my best to stay sane and safe and thought I'd share my ways with you guys.

Going for a Daily Walk

Currently in the UK we are still allowed out for exercise as advised by our government, without which I definitely think I'd be going insane. My boyfriend's flat is right on the river luckily so we can go out and take a long stroll around the river and over the bridges and keep our distance from everyone. I recommend going out when the sun is going down or very early morning, not only is a beautiful view but there's also much less people about during these times and less likely to bump into someone or be too close to people which I find keeps me calmer too, if I go out during midday - two ish I find everyone and their dog is out walking and running and it's just too difficult to keep your distance and gets me on edge. I recommend taking your phone or a camera out with you too, take advantage of the beautiful nature whilst out on your walk and snap a few pictures, this always keeps me happier and calm focusing my mind on something creative.

Being Creative

I've recently been all over my amazon prime shopping and digging out old art supplies to keep myself entertained, so far I've got some watercolours and some colouring pens out and been busy painting and drawing my heart away to keep me busy. I've missed being creative and haven't really touched my art supplies since I was 16 doing my art GCSE's so it's nice to finally crack them back out and dust them off. I find painting and drawing in particular very soothing for me when I'm feeling unsettled, I just sit down and bury my head into a picture or doodle until I'm happy with it.

Having a Nap

This is a totally unproductive option, but hey, you're allowed to do nothing, this isn't a holiday where you should be busy every minute of every day, it's a pandemic and you're allowed to be overwhelmed and just sit. I find when I'm feeling particularly stressed or down, getting an hour or twos kip does me the world of good. I've always had naps when I'm struggling, it's one of my most unhealthy coping mechanisms, but recently I've majorly cut down from having a nap sometimes two every single day to just when I really need one. Recharging the batteries and having a little snooze is no bad thing!

Facetime 

One thing that's keeping me going is facetime. Whenever I'm missing someone like my friends or family i send a quick "anyone free for a video chat?" and off we go. I've had days where I've spent most of it on facetime on and off to my mates, even if we're all sat doing something else it's nice to have the virtual company of friends around and definitely puts a smile on my face. I've even been video chatting on whatsapp to my nan and grandad which has been lovely, I miss a cuppa and a chat so much with them.

Feeling it

Sometimes, you just have to feel your emotions. I'm trying new coping methods where I don't bury my feels and ignore them and actually, just let them happen. They're going to come and go and letting them happen is much easier than burying them, and much healthier. If I feel sad, I have a little cry to Patrick and a moan, if I feel angry, I let out a moan and groan and tell him what's wrong, or I just sit on the sofa and watch shitty TV and just feel whatever emotion I'm going through. BPD is rough and can throw you under the bus at any given moment, and it's important to remember you can't help it and this is going to happen, but what you can change is how you deal with it.

I hope some of these activities will help some of you guys too, let me know in the comments how you're keeping on top of your mental health!

Meg x

• going with Patrick rather than alone, talking about anything and everything or talking about my anxieties and going through them rationally with him, before I know it I'm opening the flat door again
• listening to music, putting on your fav songs can be just the push you need to keep walking and keep moving
• do some breathing exercises and practice your most helpful method, keep doing it and keep going 
• go at a time no one else is really around, my favourite walking time is as the sun is setting, not only is it beautiful to see, but everyone is usually at home cooking their dinner. 
• take photos whilst you're out, give yourself a task to busy yourself in like taking the perfect shot of some flowers or a bird, immerse yourself in something to do
• take it slowly, keep edging out further and stopping, when I'm really bad I get more and more anxious the further I go, so I do little stops and have five minutes sat down then keep going and power through
• go somewhere you can see your home, or know the route very well, so you know your escape plan should you have a panic attack or need to find space 

Recently I've started going to therapy sessions (obviously and sadly now cancelled due to COVID-19) and been working through my issues and worries. A lot of this is down to my anxiety which I've suffered with for a long time, as long as I can remember really. When I first started secondary school, I suffered very badly with my anxiety and panic attacks, to the point I would have to hide in the toilets during registration period and have a panic attack in there and calm myself down to be able to go to my lessons of the day. I kept it a secret for a long time and didn't understand what was going on until I started seeing counsellors and getting referred to the children's mental health team, but now I'm very aware of my anxieties and triggers and try to use this to help others.

So my new therapist picked up on my struggles with my anxiety and decided to use a social anxiety help sheet with me to help me deal with my bpd and anxiety episodes. What I do is after I have what I call an 'episode' (crying, paranoia, panicking, sadness etc) is I use the sheet to talk through with myself - and later my therapist - what happened to try and narrow down what triggered it and what I could do in the future to help the situation. I'm finding it helpful and using the prompts now when I'm having an episode to try and calm myself down again.

Situation And Trigger
What happened? Who? What? Where? When?
What did I notice?
What did I react to?
So firstly, let's write down what happened that started the incident. What was going on? What stimuli did you react to?
e.g walking to the shop alone and began feeling anxious. Noticed my breathing getting rapid and palms beginning to sweat

Feelings, Emotions and Physical Sensations
What emotions did I feel? How intense were they?
What did I feel in my body?
What were you feeling at the time? Were you sad, angry, frustrated, upset? Was it mild or was it intense emotions? What other feelings did you get, sweating, crying, panic?
e.g felt incredibly nervous, sweating, heart racing, struggling to breathe, felt sick

Unhelpful Thoughts or Images
What went through my mind?
What's the worst that could happen?
What did I think others would notice?
What were you thinking at the time? What unhelpful thoughts were you thinking?
e.g anxious that people would be in the shop and would look or laugh at me, people could be talking about me or I could have a panic attack in public, others will notice I'm breathing funny and think I'm weird

Self-Focus
Where was my focus of attention?
What did I notice about myself?
What were you thinking about at the time? Was it about yourself, how you looked, how you were acting etc? Could you notice anything about yourself, like any symptoms?
e.g focusing on what could happen if I go into the shop and have a panic attack, noticed my hands tingling and palms sweating

Safety Behaviours
What did I do that helped me?
What did I do to try and stop it happening?
Did I have an urge to do anything?
So what did you do to calm yourself down, did you ring someone, do a breathing exercise, sit down for five? Did you try and catch it before a panic attack happened? Did you want to do something, like run away, go back home etc?
e.g rang a friend to do some breathing over the phone with me and help me calm down, had the urge to run away but decided to fight it

Rational thoughts and Self Focus
STOP! Take a breath, is this fact or fiction?
Is my reaction proportionate?
What's really happening? 
What would someone else say?
Is what's happening or what you think is going to happen true or have you imagined it up in your head? Do you know that you'll have a panic attack or are you thinking you will? Are you reacting proportionately? Is going to the shop a scary activity worth panicking about?
e.g imagined I would have a panic attack, I'm just walking to the shop which is easy and not a scary activity, someone else would think this was silly

Outcome - What did I do, how Did it Help?
What could I have done differently? 
What helped me?
Did what you do to help yourself work? Should you have tried something else as well or instead? What helped you in your situation?
e.g Could have stopped earlier to avoid a panic attack, but ringing a friend helped me calm down and not have a bad panic attack in the end.


So that's my anxiety activity worksheet, maybe have a go next time you have an incident where you're struggling and see if you can identify some triggers and see what will help you next time.

Let me know how you get on!
Meg x