Welcome to another post in the understanding bpd symptoms series, today were going to be talking about a sensitive subject, suicidal ideation And thoughts. So please read with caution and only if you’re on the right mindset to do so.

I’ve written an entire blog post before on suicidal thoughts which you can read here, and have been very honest here on my blog about my suicide attempts and feelings before. In total I have attempted suicide four times, three of which have resulted in police action and obviously, none of which have been successful. 

Suicidal thoughts and feelings when you have bpd is so much more than just “feeling down” or “having enough” it’s the feeling of complete sadness, of giving up completely. You feel so lost, so out of control, so unloved and hopeless that you feel suicide is the only answer. And it can take a simple argument with a partner, argument with a friend or even a slight mishap for you to spiral completely out of control and attempt suicide, only for you to wake up the next morning in a complete change of mood and get ready and go to work as if nothing has happened. 

All of my attempts have been as a result of my impulsive behaviours, an act of non rationality that I wouldn’t normally do and resort to. My attempts are usually fuelled by an incident, from an argument to a panic attack to a slight mishap, I’ve been led to my lowest of ebbs and resorted in a suicide attempt. This can spring from absolutely nowhere, from a night out of happiness and dancing comes my darkest of feelings, comes the lowest of sadness and the last resort I fear to feel. 

There’s no knowing when these feelings will arise, will it happen after every argument? Every panic attack? I’ve been drawn to my emotions and suicidal thoughts on many occasions, but only four times I’ve acted on them. Why these four? I couldn’t tell you. Nothing has been different except my mind and my thoughts and the voice I hear at night, the voice that tells me how to feel, how to act, how to react. It feeds into my dark thoughts and feelings and impulsively asks me to act on them, eating away at my darkest desires. 

And obviously this leads to complete heartbreak to those around me. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. And then can lead to police or ambulance interference, even resulting in a temporary section only to be released back home. But in the moment, I can't think about anything else, work, friends, family, hurting those around me, nothing can break into my mind and stop me from getting what I so desperately want. My boyfriend described my last attempt as feeling as though he was talking to a toddler that wanted something and they would do anything to get it, I will lash out, swear, shout, anything. 

And I lose all focus on life, I forget about the good times, I forget that I don't actually want to die, because I don't. All I want is for the pain to go away, and for whatever has happened to go away and the only way I can do that is if I go. And that's what it feels like to be suicidal. It's so many things, but to me, it's just not wanting to live with this illness anymore, a disorder that keeps me running back to the edge again and again. 

But I am here, I have survived and I am safe. And I will continue to be here, to fight my thoughts and my illness and stand up tall once more, I hope many more will do the same too. Life is too precious and short to try and end it all, there are so many good moments waiting to be felt for everyone.

Meg x