Agoraphobia is a fear of being in situations where escape might be difficult or that help wouldn't be available if things go wrong.
It's no secret that I've suffered from anxiety issues for a huge portion of my life, but I've never really gone into the panic disorder and the severity of my anxieties on my blog much. A few years ago, when I was 18 and fresh out of college/sixth form, I was placed in a crisis house. If you're unsure what this is, it's basically a respite centre for adults suffering with their mental health and deemed to be in a place of crisis, but made to reduce the amount of psychiatric admissions and instead give someone respite from their home and everyday life in a safe space where there is someone to talk to 24/7 and you're not alone. Sadly the crisis house in rotherham was shut down due to budget cuts, and the place I stayed in is no longer, but I hold onto my memories of my max 7 day stay there.
Whilst I was in the crisis house, I had taken 8 weeks sick off of my job in retail, I was with an ex boyfriend at the time, living at home with my parents and I didn't really have many friends around me, most of them had gone off to university and we were yet to have our paths crossed again. My mental health was pretty awful at the time, I'd not yet recieved my diagnosis of BPD, and was still waiting to be formally diagnosed but the suspicions were there. I hated my job at the time, that's why I took time off on sick leave, I was having multiple panic attacks per shift, some before I'd even stepped foot into the building and I just couldn't cope with it, and the deep depressive episodes followed. So I was off sick and had just spent 7 days in a crisis house and had returned home, and out of the blue this extreme anxiety inside me appeared, a whole new one based around leaving the house and going out.
Whenever I was meant to go out I would sob and freak out, I just couldn't manage it. I have one very distinct memory of having a complete episode and panic attack over going to the hairdressers, in which I had a bad attack and hid under my duvet refusing to leave until my boyfriend at the time calmed me down and had to physically drag me there, I couldn't even speak to the hairdresser once I was there and the shop was literally 5 minutes down the road. This situation got worse and worse to the point my psychiatrist referred me to have a support worker come to my home and slowly get me back out into the community with her help to tackle this anxiety and panic attacks based around going out.
Of course, I managed it, I went on coffee trips with her, I went to therapy with her, I even went out with another girl she was supporting and did a group trip and slowly my anxieties lifted and I returned to work and my life went on. But as with most of my mental illness issues, these thoughts frequently return.
I've found that during this whole coronavirus pandemic, my agoraphobia has been slowly creepig back upon me, it sounds odd, to say I fear leaving the house now I'm told I can't, and maybe you think "of course you're anxious, there's a pandemic" but this is a completely different feeling, one I can barely put into words. It's like being trapped in a cage, unable to do the things you know will be good and ultimately help you, like taking a walk or driving somewhere, but being unable to push yourself to do it. To me, my anxieties start the minute I step foot out of the door, the build up I'm completely fine, excited almost to take my daily walk and get some fresh air. But the further away I get from the house, the bigger the knot in my stomach, I find myself constantly searching for the flat in the distance, needing to know how far away I am, always looking for an escape route, planning how I would run back if I needed to every second. It's the ultimate fear of being so far away from a place of safety, from my haven, like a baby birds first flight every time I go out.
The most annoying part of agoraphobia, is that you must endure it head-on, there is no way around this wall, you simply have to break it down. For me, that means putting my coat and shoes on, taking hold of my boyfriend's hand and enduring the walk everyday, no matter the amount of fear it puts into me or how big the lump in my throat is, you simply have to keep going.
If you're struggling with leaving the house during these times, please please, try and get yourself out there. Annoyingly, this issue will never resolve itself, the only way for this to go away is to fight it and the more you don't, the bigger of an issue it becomes, trust me, I've tried. It doesn't matter if you only get to the end of your drive, or you have to hold someones hand the whole way, or you can barely breathe the entire time, as soon as you get yourself out there, you've done it, you've fought your demons head on and won. It doesn't matter how you do it or how long you do it for, as long as you stand up and fight. Some helpful things I do when I'm struggling with my agoraphobia is;
- going with Patrick rather than alone, talking about anything and everything or talking about my anxieties and going through them rationally with him, before I know it I'm opening the flat door again
- listening to music, putting on your fav songs can be just the push you need to keep walking and keep moving
- do some breathing exercises and practice your most helpful method, keep doing it and keep going
- go at a time no one else is really around, my favourite walking time is as the sun is setting, not only is it beautiful to see, but everyone is usually at home cooking their dinner.
- take photos whilst you're out, give yourself a task to busy yourself in like taking the perfect shot of some flowers or a bird, immerse yourself in something to do
- take it slowly, keep edging out further and stopping, when I'm really bad I get more and more anxious the further I go, so I do little stops and have five minutes sat down then keep going and power through
- go somewhere you can see your home, or know the route very well, so you know your escape plan should you have a panic attack or need to find space
I know times are tough and our mental health is all taking a battering, but we can all do this together,
Stay safe,
Meg x
