So today was a big day for me. I've been seeing doctors, psychiatrists and god knows who else for a long time, around 8 years now, and have mostly always left in tears, feeling down, worse than I did before and all round miserable. But today I drove myself to my appointment for the first time ever, I went in on my own with my makeup on and a real smile on my face, and left with one too. I told her I was happy, and meant it. I posted this on my instagram alongside a photo of me and my boyfriend, someone who has definitely been a massive factor in my changed mood and when I saw it on my feed again I was washed over with emotions and decided to jot them down.

Feeling 'happy' when you have BPD is a risky one as it is, alongside this happiness there is also; guilt, that you have this illness yet feel completely fine; anxiety and fear, that this could all come crashing down in seconds; and impulse, the need to do everything you want to and possibly can in this period of happiness before it all comes to an end. This makes achieving a recovery position in your mental health extremely difficult, you almost don't let yourself be happy in fear of the unknown, not knowing how long it will last, not knowing how hard you'll crash when it does happen, if this is mania or you're genuinely having a really good day/time. Basically, what should be a milestone and an amazing part of living with a mental health condition, turns into a shit show of emotions and most of the time I end up making myself miserable with worry and anxiety over it. Less than ideal.

Now I know this is more than just a brief manic episode or a brief period of an 'up', in January after a night out I attempted to take my own life out of the blue and around my favourite people in the world, I snapped and I'd had enough. And now just a mere few weeks later I feel on top of the world, ready to take on anything, I passed my driving test, got my own little pap (thanks to our Dave - love you dad), gained a boyfriend and many more things, meaning I feel better than I could ever have dreamed I would that January night. And yet as I sit here reflecting on being happy, I'm suddenly filled with, yep, anxiety, guilt, fear.

What I really wanted to say alongside all this waffling is that it is perfectly okay to be afraid of happiness, afraid of the unknown, afraid of what could go wrong, but sometimes you have to ask yourself 'well, what could go wrong?' sometimes it's worth the fear, and this time I definitely feel it is. When you've spent the majority of your life filled with sadness, emptiness and worthlessness, it is beyond reasonable for you to be anxious that you feel happy, but no one is going to snatch that away from you, there's no cosmic reason that your happiness must equate to sadness later on, we all make our own paths in life and make our own happiness, and it's important to remember that it's okay to be worried. But embrace life and embrace the happy periods no matter how small, make the most of your time feeling this change and know that if/when it comes back around to being down, that you made the most of the time and you did what you can, rather than sat wallowing about when it will end, you can thank yourself for doing everything you wanted.

Finally a word on happiness guilt when you live with a mental health condition... don't ever feel that you can't feel good, enjoy life and enjoy things because you're "supposed" to be depressed, anxious, ill, etc. Recovery is scary and change is scary but the end goal is to help yourself out of this, or at the very minimum learning to cope and live with your feelings, which all includes feeling enjoyment, happiness, and a sense of calm. On my good days I used to sit and think how can I go around telling people I have depression when I'm perfectly fine? And get this 'imposter syndrome' of feeling like I'm living a lie, and thinking I must be making it up. I still get these days, but I try to remind myself that this is part of recovery, learning to enjoy the good days is a positive, and no matter how many ignorant people try and tell you "you don't look depressed", "should you be out when you're supposed to be ill" (yep I have had this one, whilst on a period of sickness from my job - thanks! You unnamed arsehole) ignore them, realise you're doing this for you and all that matters is how YOU are feeling and how you are dealing with it.

Embrace the happiness, embrace change and embrace the unknown.

Meg x