Struggling To Cope? Me Too

I’ve been trying to keep it positive and light here on myMindandmeg for a while during such turbulent times, but the inevitable has come. I’m struggling. I’ve had a bit of a breakdown about it all today and realised how overwhelmed and anxious and out of it I really am. Everywhere I look and turn to coronavirus is there looking back at me. I wanted to write how I’ve been feeling especially today down, because I think it’s good and therapeutic but also to let everyone else know especially those reading this that it’s okay to feel this way. These are really unprecedented times that no one could have expected and it’s perfectly okay to be overwhelmed, anxious and worried for the present and future, because I know I am.

Unsurprisingly, I’ve found it hard to sleep at night. I think about a lot of things when I’m trying to sleep, usually it’s about stupid things I’ve said in the day that I regret, or happy moments I want to remember and cherish. But now it’s filled with daunting thoughts of the future and the days to come. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently isolated down south with my boyfriend at his flat - which I am incredibly lucky to be able to do as I realise not a lot of people are able to be with their loved ones right now - but I’m doing this as my mum has been in an out of work In a school and I was already isolated for 7 days symptom free down here when the lockdown was imposed, so it was safer for me to be here. But all I think about is who will be the first to get it between me and Patrick, and what are we going to do when it happens? I’ve already said to Patrick I hope it’s me that gets it, because I don’t think I could cope with him holed away in the bedroom unable for me to see him or be with him whilst I try and carry on as normal and look after the place. But he also believes I wouldn’t handle corona as well as him and be extremely emotional and all over the place which is a reasonable thing to say I guess.

The main reason I’m down here though apart from being cautious with my mum, is that I’m due to start a new job as a Residential Childcare Worker any day now, I’m just waiting for a phone call to tell me I’m ready to start and in I go. And obviously the minute I leave Patrick I can’t come back and mix households and contamination with him, so I’d have to stay away and isolate back home, and keep my distance from my mum too. I’m terrified. As excited as I am to start my new job, that was before all of this happened. Before the risk of me being infected with coronavirus happened, before the whole shitstorm began.

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is, I’m scared. But I think we all are right now, right? Right now is the time for us all to pull together and be there for one another, to bolster each other in tough times. I couldn’t be without my amazing friends and family in these times, texting and calling one another to check in, I don’t know where I’d be without them, a thought I hope never comes true.

I miss them a lot. I miss going for dates with Patrick, I miss being able to go home and hug my mum and dad, I miss being able to visit my grandparents and my niece and have a big squeeze. I miss the old life I took for granted so much and wished away. And I know so many other people do. And what I really Hope, is none of us ever take it for granted again. Never wish the days away, never say “I wish I just had three months off work” no matter how stressful our days are, never argued with a loved one and slept on an argument without apologising, not realising tomorrow might not come. It all sounds very dramatic when you write it down but it’s true, life right now is pretty dramatic, and will stay so for a good long time yet. This is just the beginning I’m afraid but I know we can all get through this together.

If you’re also feeling overwhelmed and struggling, please reach out to someone. Talk about how your feelings, you don’t have to talk about the dreaded C bomb, just chat about life, talk about old times or anything to take your mind off of it, go for your daily walk and get some fresh air, take hold of yourself and tell yourself this is all going to be okay, and go again. As hard as times are right now we really could be worse off, and I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s a competition of whose for life the hardest, but in a realistic way, we’re in our homes with a lot of free time to do anything there, take advantage of it, pick up a new hobby or craft and get busy.

Life is for the living and that’s what we’re going to keep doing.

Please stay safe and look after yourselves.

Meg x

Handling Borderline Personality Disorder During COVID-19

Having a mental illness during times like these can be really difficult, and having BPD is no different. As individuals we thrive off of routine and structure and basic needs being met, all of things which are pretty hard to come by at the minute. For myself, I'm finding it hard to not get overwhelmed by everything, and if I wasn't isolating with my partner I know I'd be in a lot worse of a state, a state which many people who also can't isolate with their loved ones are feeling.

All of this is completely new to all of us, and I know many of us are finding it hard to cope with at the minute, which is completely okay. I've been thinking of some ways to keep myself occupied, a list of which I compiled in this post How To Productively Self-Isolate if you fancy reading that, or another post  Maintaining Good Metal Health During a Pandemic, but I thought I'd do a BPD focused post on keeping up with caring for ourselves during such hard times.

Keep a Routine

One thing that I find keeps my BPD at bay is a good routine, keeping myself busy and occupied with regular breaks and knowing what I'm doing one day to the next. At the minute my routine is a bit all over the place, but it's generally, sleep in for a bit, shower, play sims 3 whilst Patrick sleeps, watch the news together, go for a walk, do some creative activity or go on my phone whilst Patrick plays his games, eat some lunch, alternate between sims 3 and watching TV so me and Patrick both get computer time,  go to the shop if necessary (I find it's best timing to go about 5 or 6 in the evening) and make dinner, then watch TV together and go to bed around 11 or 12. There's not really a lot to my routine, because there's not really a lot to do minus tidying the flat or washing the pots, but I'm finding sticking to these activities good for keeping my brain active and not letting myself get overwhelmed or too upset over things.

Keep Busy

Similar to keeping a routine, I find alternating activities throughout the day therapeutic for me at the minute, this is stuff like scrolling through instagram or twitter, playing a game on my phone, doing some bullet journalling, reading a book, playing sims 3 or watching TV, just little things that stops me moping on the sofa scrolling through facebook getting annoyed at the human races stupidity at such trying times. This is the main reason I'm missing my work, it always gave me a purpose and something to do with myself that wasn't moping into my emotions or getting too bogged down in how overwhelmed I am by everything. Exercising is also a major keeping spirits up activity to do, not something I particularly partake in often but I'm trying to do little bits here and there and go for walks etc.

Talking

Me and Patrick are talking most of the day since we're co-habiting for the lockdown, but we alternate between talking utter tripe between each other, talking about what's going on in the world and just cuddling in silence. I find if all I'm talking or thinking about is coronavirus, that's all I can think and feel and I just end up getting upset and overwhelmed with emotions. I find texting or ringing my loved ones great for this too, last night I facetimed my sister to see her and my niece and it was so nice to get a bit of normality back into my life, to see that crazy munchkin running around half naked singing Frozen 2 songs. I also like to facetime my friendship group or talk to them in the group chat about random stuff, this morning we played quizzes on who knew each other the best and it was such a little fun distraction for an hour or so but little things like that can really lift the spirits.

If you think you need a little extra help coping with what's going on, ask for it. Ask your loved ones to just check in on you more often, tell your friends you're struggling and could do with some support. If you're in therapy, ask for some drop in phone calls or call your local mental health team if things are getting too much. We can do this together.

Meg x

Maintaining Good Mental Health During A Pandemic

It's strange times lately, everything feels very different, very weird and very uncertain. The world is a bit of a scary place right now and when your head already feels like a scary place, this can make things even worse. Right now it's as important as ever to take care of our mental well-being and ourselves, and if you're finding that incredibly difficult right now, I'm with you.

Being in self-isolation can feel incredibly daunting, trapped and strange, but I'm trying to make the most of it, check out how in my recent blog post, How To  Productively Self-Isolate. Of course that doesn't mean you should be doing everything and anything now you're isolating, just an option for those like me that like to keep busy. Which includes keeping up with blogging, so I thought I'd write a little post on how I'm keeping my mental health on track and how you can do too, any further ideas feel free to comment them below or send me a little message using my social media links to the right.

Speak and See Loved Ones

One thing that's keeping me going as my rock is my boyfriend Patrick. Just speaking on the phone, facetiming or being with him (wellness permitting, we're self isolating together at the minute but of course if either of us becomes unwell or run down things will change) is keeping my spirits high. At the minute we're isolating at his flat, eating whatever we can make with the ingredients left over at asda, watching the entirety of netflix and crappy daytime TV, if you fancy hearing about the silly things we're doing and talking about I'm usually tweeting about it here! Talking on my group chat with my friends about current affairs and what plans we're making for when the doom lifts, as well as talking in my family group chat with my mum and sister about our worries and what we're up to keeps me feeling good too. It's good to chat about being worried because right now it's definitely okay to feel worried and anxious, but let it out to someone you love, they'll most likely be feeling the exact same! I was visiting my elderly grandparents but with the current state of things and taking into account their health and mine, I'm keeping away, but dropping in over the phone with them and making sure they're topped up with groceries and what have you. 

Keeping Fit

Another thing me and Patrick have started (completely not my idea) is keeping fit at home, he's a barman so off work for the forseeable and I'm waiting to start a new job so we both have an abundance of time to keep busy in, and as I was finally getting back into the gym, he's testing my will and patience with some dumb bells and his coffee table, going running round the river by his flat was mentioned but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet! It's good to keep active and keep the brain running, going for a little walk or run locally is perfectly fine as long as you're keeping your distance from other people, just because we have to self-isolate doesn't mean you can't leave your home and stretch those legs. 

Doing Crafty Bits

I've so far ordered the following online in preparation for my self-isolating and time I'm not with Patrick; glue sticks, 75 photo prints (from free prints mobile phone app - not spon just think they're v good!), a new bullet journal, a new book, and some pens. I already have so many coloured pens and writing stuff for my old bullet journal so I'm pretty set there but as my old book was coming to an end I thought now was as good of a time as any to get back into my journalling, I am planning a future post with all my journal stuff in to show you so keep your eyes peeled! Another thing I'm planning on doing is starting my scrapbook. I've had a scrapbook laying around for years waiting to be filled and what better time than now to start it, so I got some pritt sticks from amazon, some free photo prints from the app on my phone and time to get stuck in. There's lots of other crafty things you can do from the comfort of your bed at home to keep your mind busy and active, you could do sewing, knitting, painting, adult colouring books, drawing, whatever it is you enjoy or did enjoy in the past, get it cracked out and have a go now! 

Blogging

I've always found blogging very cathartic and good for my soul. My grandad once asked me why I write such personal things on m blog for everyone to read and see and I answered, because it shows that I'm here, i'm fighting my illness and I'm showing people that if I can be unwell and keep my life going, so can others. I find it helpful for my own health to write down how I'm feeling, or what I'm doing to combat my feelings, and get this out to help others, the amount of DMs and messages I get from people saying they've read my blog and are feeling the same or thanking me for being so honest is amazing and definitely keeps me going in tough times. Anyone can start a blog for free, just google blogger.com and free blogger templates, youtube how to install blogger templates and hey presto you've got your own custom blog ready to go! I used to blog about makeup and review products and looks if any of my readers remembers meghobson.com, but now I've switched to mental health, but you can talk about anything and everything, share it to your social medias and you're raring to go. 

Times are tough lately, but we as a human race are tougher. We can do this together and remember, you're never alone. If anybody needs a chat or a rant as usual my social links are always to the right of my posts and are open to anyone. Stay safe and look after one another.

Meg x

How To Productively Self-Isolate

Yep, the dreaded C bomb has crept its way onto the blog. But for something that might be of use to others to read amongst the fake news, widespread hysteria posts and photos of panic buying. We’ve all heard about COVID-19 by now - if you haven’t I assume you’ve been living in Outer Mongolia with no internet access and you’ve landed here on my blog - I’m afraid to tell you the story so have a quick google for yourself.

The words self-isolate and quarantine are ripe amongst us lately, and many people are in sheer panic at the utter thought of spending upwards of 7 days alone in the home with nothing to do. As someone
who’s suffered largely with depression, anxiety and mild agoraphobia at some time or other in my life, I’m here to tell you that spending time at home isn’t as bad as you might think, and you can actually get some things done. Or alternatively, you can binge watch Netflix (I recommend The Stranger and my current favourite Doctor Foster) and do absolutely naff all. Your choice of course.

What to do first?

Firstly, before we start any tasks or activities, the old phrase that always stays ripe in my mind is “tidy space tidy mind”, it’s time to declutter your room - or one step further, your home. Get some bin bags and start rifling through those old drawers of crap, yep I’m looking at you! I know you’ve got one, crack it open and get rid of those old letters, birthday cards from ex boyfriends and notes you’ve left yourself and never read nor made use of. Once you’ve gotten rid of all the rubbish lying around the place collecting dust, firstly, have a cuppa, you deserve it! Secondly, it’s time to spring clean that wardrobe, trust me, your local charity shop or women’s aid foundation will thank you for it, as will your bursting drawers! Get rid of any clothes or things that no longer give you joy or excitement (thanks Marie Kondo), that includes that Christmas jumper you swear you’ll make use of again, it’s March, and it’s tatty, throw it!

Now you’ve made your space a bit more crap free and spacious, it’s time to think about what you can do to fill the void of an empty day in the house.

1. Start a new Hobby

Of course the simplest thing to say is start something new, amazon prime is still going as of yet (who knows for the foreseeable) get on there and buy some supplies to start a new hobby.

2. Start a bullet journal

I’m going to do a whole post soon on my bullet journal as I’ve been doing it for 2/3 years now and it keeps me entertained on my days off. It’s essentially a DIY diary that you fill in however you see fit. Mine is with bright coloured pens and crayola felt tips with a hint of Washi tape and a dash of calligraphy. I use this to make lists of the things I want to do and see etc. Very therapeutic!

3. Read a new book

If you’re anything like me, you’ll have plenty of old books you bought on amazon prime excited to start reading the next day, realised you’re half way through something else, chucked it on the bookshelf and haven’t picked it up since. Repeat x100. I have so many books stacked up on my shelves that I want to read and never found the time or finished my current book for, I definitely recommend running a good bubble bath and getting tucked in to a good book. If you’re out of new books to read, may I direct you to amazon prime best sellers lists and also to keep your eyes peeled for a future blog post with some good ens!

4. Start a YouTube channel

This ones a bit out there, but hey, everyone has to start from somewhere right? Got a talent you want to show off? Got things you want to talk about? Get it out there for the world to see! It’s something I’ve thought about a lot and am considering myself, it’s all well and good talking about mental health issues on a blog but I think to really connect with people and get them to understand, seeing and listening is the best way forward.

5. Download some cracking phone apps

This is very Generation Z of me, but we’ve all got the App Store, get on it and find some mind numbing games to distract yourself when it all gets a bit much. When I’m struggling I spend an hour or two just sat playing the likes of Candy Crush Soda Saga (way better than the original) and Homescapes. I could lose hours just crossing coloured items to get a good score and it’s a distraction from the real world that sometimes we all need.

6. Online window shopping

A constant habit of mine is buying things when I get sad (thanks, BPD) so instead of actually buying them anymore I’ve started just browsing shopping sites such as boohoo, pretty little thing etc and just adding items I like to my wish list or cart and creating an imaginary what-If-I-were-rich cart of things I’d love to buy. Then I make a list in my bujo of things I’d like to buy in future and save up to get little bits I’ve wanted for a while. It takes some time of the day away and gets you thinking of outfits you already own and how to change them up too.

7. FaceTime your friends

Something we’ve started doing as a group when we need a pick me up or more often, when we’re hungover and want to talk about last nights events, is a Group FaceTime. Using the Facebook group chat FaceTime option you can call multiple people at once and just talk shit and have a giggle, a way to enjoy your quarantine and be a little bit less alone.

8. Look up some new recipes

I’ve been trying to get back into slimming world so one thing I enjoy doing in my spare time is using the Pinch Of Nom recipe book and Facebook page to browse tasty recipes for dinner time. I’m not going to lie, this is usually me sending them to my mum and requesting them for tea as I’m not trusted to cook in my kitchen - no questions please - but it’s a fun thing to do if you are a responsible adult and can make something fancier than beans on toast in the kitchen.

9. Watch a film

I don’t know about you but I always have an old stash of DVDs laying around in the house, mainly that were from childhood and haven’t been watched in donkeys years. You’re at home for the foreseeable, what else have you got to do? Whack on an old childhood classic and enjoy

10. Start a scrapbook

Something I’ve begun doing is realising I have 100s of photos stored on my phone from birthdays, trips and nights out of me and my loved ones and do nothing with them. I found an old huge notebook from years ago tucked away, ordered some pritt sticks from amazon, and went onto the free prints app and got a load of photos sent to my house to start up a good old scrapbook. It’s a perfect way to get creative, use up some spare time and finally put all your nice photos somewhere to keep. I used the app free prints, you get 45 free prints per month and then they’re 9p per photo after that and you just pay delivery. So I ordered around 75 prints and it cost me a fiver. Way cheaper than using boots or Tesco’s printing service and only takes a few days to be delivered.

So that’s ten of my suggestions for keeping busy this coronavirus season. Remember, look after yourselves, stay safe and don’t be a numpty.

Meg x

The Therapy Diaries

So, I started therapy a month ago and thought as usual I'd share this new journey with you guys, it's a bit of a long rambly post but it's honest and from the heart, so hope you stick through it with me.

I've been waiting a long time to finally get some and after meeting with a psychologist who assessed me and my needs, decided to give me some one to one sessions to do some DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is essentially a talking therapy based around cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT, but tweaked to better fit the needs of those with emotional dysregulation - such as bpd sufferers.

I've been to four sessions now and my feelings are, underwhelming.

It would be unreasonable of me to assume there would be some a large change in my mental health after four sessions, yet I can't help but feel somewhat deflated. Am I missing out on the big trick of therapy? Shouldn't things be getting better yet? I don't quite know what I was expecting to come of it or what I was expecting to feel, but it just wasn't this. 

I've never really done any therapy throughout my mental health struggles, I dabbled in some talking therapies for my anorexia and OCD tendencies as a child - and that seemed to have worked well as I no longer suffer with either of these. 

Yet, I can't remember feeling a sense of "Wow, this is totally for me", and never really have felt that about the minimal psychological help I've been offered over the years. 

Many people initially seek help for their mental health and may assume that counselling is where they'll start. That's not always the case. Waiting lists can be up to a year long in areas like mine for something as basic as a talking therapy or a group therapy. 

Frequently, medication is likely to be offered in the first instance, to see if that eases the symptoms.  

When it comes to disorders like bpd, bipolar etc, full psychological therapies are the only thing that will make some significant difference in your struggles, but finding it readily accessible is still so difficult nationwide. 

The main thing I've gained from my therapy is discussing and practicing the STOPP method for my anxieties and paranoia, but I'm yet to properly be able to implement it into my episodes. For now, I'm completing forms after an episode has passed, allowing me to reflect on what happened, so I can try and use these skills during the next episode.

I'll go into the STOPP method fully in another blog post, but a brief summary is using reason and logic to debunk paranoid and anxious thoughts, and using facts and evidence to notice what's happening and why. 

At my last session, I was told that the whole point of me attending these sessions was to boost my confidence enough to attend the group therapy that I have gotten half way through on two occasions then not turned up to the final session because, in all honesty, I hated it and thought it was ridiculous. This to me was just a whole amount of shit, and I was sat with the feelings of sadness and hopelessness I'm usually filled with when I attend Ferham Clinic for my mental health appointments. I just felt as though this whole trying out therapy was stupid and pointless, like i was wholly wasting my time. 

You see, as someone with BPD, I am not treatment resistive. but more treatment sceptic. I fail to understand how anyone can make me feel any better about having to live with an illness that makes me want to put my head into a brick wall hourly. I know when I'm being reasonable that many people find dbt and cbt extremely helpful for their BPD and find that over the years their symptoms reduce enough to no longer warrant a diagnosis, but to me it just feels like, maybe, it just won't work for me like it does for them. 

This is all well and good thinking "okay, well this isn't for me" but when it's about your mental health and it was already your last chance saloon, this can make you feel incredibly hopeless for your future well-being. It's okay to try things and realise they aren't for you, but then you have the "okay, what next" aspect, and for me, there is nothing next to come. I've been on medication for 7 years now and my struggles have only intensified with age, symptoms an ever growing list and miseries high. So what do I do now? 

I'm not sure even I have the answers this time. But I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're just starting out with therapy or you're quite a bit in and finding it unhelpful, that's okay. It takes a lot of time and I know that, and know realistically I have all the time in the world to focus on myself and keep making myself better, but in my mind I feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm definitely going to keep going with the therapy, and see how I get on, but I wanted to talk about my counselling journey after waiting so long for it and there's no point not being honest about how it's going and painting a false rosy picture of what's going on. 

So yeah, any thoughts or advise please feel free to pop a comment below or get in touch with me, I'd love to hear your therapy stories and what you found was good for you and what not so much. 

Meg x

Eating Disorder Awareness Week - Hindsight is 20/20

So This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and I didn’t want to not honour the week with a post as it is something close to my heart. This years theme is “Come As You Are - Hindsight is 20/20” and I often reflect on how my journey started with anorexia. I’ve written a few posts now highlighting my troubles with disordered eating as a child, the first one being last years mental health awareness weeks post which focused on body image, you can read my post on that here. I also wrote the post The Lifelong Recovery Of Anorexia talking about how my struggles with anorexia changed my life, and how they still affect me now.

And it’s true, anorexia has affected me for a big part of my life. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa aged 12, plagued with thoughts that I was obese, that I was ugly and fat and worthless. I couldn’t look in the mirror without being filled with hatred and self loathing. It’s almost 10 years on from the beginning of my mental health journey as I reflect on how I’ve changed and grown, one thing that sticks is how I feel about my body and the way I look. I'm still often filled with self loathing, hatred and paranoia towards my appearance, and try to mask this in various ways, baggy clothes, bright hair, tattoos etc.

But I have changed in many ways too, I no longer restrict my eating, I don’t avoid lunch times, I don’t stop myself from having a treat, I don’t self harm when I do eat or when I feel hatred towards my body and purposely cause myself harm to feel better. I don’t exclusively eat cheese slices and digestive biscuits to fulfill my daily intake of food. I don’t cry myself to sleep ignoring all those pangs of hunger and the pain I’m filled with.

But I do carry the guilt I used to hold onto so dearly. I eat a meal, even treat myself to a dessert and my inner voice goes “.. but should you have done that?” “Do you deserve to eat?” “You’ve had enough, you’ll only get fatter” and it’s a voice I don’t think I’ll ever be able to quieten. A voice that I have carried with me throughout my years of recovery, that I have fought so hard to overcome and ignore. But it will always be there, the voice of my old toxic enemy Ana.

I once considered Ana to be my friend, my companion, the voice of reason I so desperately needed to hear. When I’d throw away my food or restrict my diet I’d get a “well done” or “you did the right thing, you’ll weigh less the next time” “you know you didn’t deserve it anyway” and feel a sense of pride, that I was stronger than the gargles coming from within me. That if I could withstand my hunger and need for food I was strong inside, I was worthy of looking in the mirror and I was worthy of my anorexia diagnosis. For me it wasn’t a diagnosis, it was a badge of honour, I’d lost enough weight, I was thin enough and I was finally beautiful.

But that wasn’t true. I was unwell, poorly and my body wasn’t what it needed to be. I was tired, dizzy, having panic attacks over food and meal times, filled with anxiety about how I would get out of the next meal. My every thought was food and how to lose weight. I would sit in class, a tiny year 8 child, thinking about how many hours I could work out on my wii fit to work off the morsel of food I’d eaten that day. No child should think like that. No person should think like that.

It's frequently misconceived that to be diagnosed, to struggle with anorexia, you must look the part. You must be extremely slim and have your bones visible, your skin mottled and your hair and nails weak. You must look sick enough to be your diagnosis.

But this isn't the case. For me, to begin with, it was largely an internal thought process for someone who didn't understand the consequences of her actions or ultimately, illness. It's not to say that eventually, having fallen into this downward spiral, looking the part may then become an attribute of the illness. But it certainly doesn't define the illness.

My true reflection of my eating disorder is that it may have been the start of my mental health journey but sadly it also wasn’t the end, I was then diagnosed with depression, anxiety and finally borderline personality disorder. My childhood was filled with therapists, consultants, psychiatrists and diagnoses. But my eating disorder taught me I am strong, not because I can skip a meal and be “okay” but because I can overcome something and someone that was my entire life, my entire being and my entire thoughts. I can ignore Ana, I can be stronger than her and what she whispers into my ear as she sits heavily on my shoulders, and I can be well again.

Meg x