Depression is one of the ugliest, most painful and invisible illnesses out there. Coping with it on a daily basis is hard as it is, and can be one of the hardest fights a lot of us have to fight in our life, but when you add in a global pandemic and lockdown, those days can feel even harder and darker to face. The endless unbusy days, the fear of the unknown, the sad state of the world, it's enough to send anyone into a spiral of sadness and fear, but when you're already mentally unstable and unwell, this can be  incredibly daunting and terrifying to live with.

You wake up and the darkness surrounds you, clouding your brain, your vision, your ability to cope with anything. Straight away you know you can't move anything, you're numb, your legs feel like lead and you're stuck there for the forseeable. For me, I sit and scroll endlessly on my phone until it passes, until I'm free again, knowing the sense of dread will fill me all day and I'm in for a rough one.

Depression isn't something you can see, it isn't something you can fight or conquer against, nothing you can tell is coming. That's the worst part, everything can feel fine and dandy and all of a sudden you're sinking, deeper and deeper into your sadness, knowing nothing and no one can help you out of it.

"what can I do to help?" people ask, but what can they do? They can't fight this battle for or with you, they can't say anything you don't already know. All people can do is listen to you moan and cry until it passes. Right now, you can't even go visit someone to cheer them up, we're all trapped in our own homes, and when you're already trapped in your own head, it can feel a million times worse.

The other day, I felt so low, I didn't know what to do with myself. I laid in bed sobbing, not even able to tell Patrick what was wrong, because nothing was wrong really, I was just sad. But I felt so sad I could feel it in my bones, feel it whirring through my system, engulfing me in darkness. I felt worthless, unloveable, and unable to go on, so I ran. I ran as fast I could out of the flat, without a word, and down to the river. I sat there, staring into the water, the only thing on my mind was the endless conversations I've had with Patrick about how it would kill you if you jumped in, the currents taking you away, how he'd seen a local man jump in countless times and be saved by services only to do it again, and I wanted to be that man. I wanted to jump, to feel the cold sear through me, to just feel something again.

I sat there numb, even when Patrick finally found me and joined me silently, I had no words. He knew what I was thinking and what I wanted to do and gently guided me back home in silence. I couldn't speak, couldn't explain what was wrong, couldn't tell him how I was feeling. The shell of me had took over and overcome me once more, I was lost in the sadness I felt, swept away in the darkness of my mind.

But this isn't how I feel every day. I have depression, but depression doesn't rule my days the way it used to, it just creeps up on me randomly, without a rhyme or reason. I've found keeping myself busy helps with the bad days, some days I take a nap, others I sit and paint my heart out, drawing and doodling away the pain, or I facetime my friends and talk about shit with them to feel better.

It’s up to you how you deal with a bad depression episode day, for me, keeping busy and sleeping it off are the most effective, but it depends from person to person. I know some people that simply sleep and stay in bed, something some people will say is an unhealthy way to cope but if that’s all you can do to manage, that’s perfectly okay.

If you’re someone who needs to keep busy and go running and paint and read, go ahead. Depression is different for everyone, and affects everyone differently so your way of coping should also be different to everyone else. Talk to someone, let someone know how you’re feeling, keep busy, or do nothing, just deal with it however you see fit and in a healthy manner, and it will all be okay in the end.

But what you need to remember, is it Does go away, the pain subsides, the darkness dissipates and another day dawns. If you're struggling right now, you are not alone and you can fight this.

Stay strong and stay safe
Meg x